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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

336 replies

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 14:53

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

OP posts:
Inertia · 30/10/2025 00:24

Your family are utter idiots. Who the hell keeps a wedding date secret? Is this some sort of loyalty test, to see who will abandon long-held plans for them?

It sounds like you need to pick whose control over you will be least harmful- your abusive ex or your blackmailing g family.

I wouldn’t lie- it’ll get found out.

I also wouldn’t ask him.

I would consider using whatever contact method you use to say that, as a courtesy, you are letting him know that siblings wedding is X date. You have already advised sibling that DD will be unable to attend as she will be in father’s care as per the court order. You wouldn’t dream of asking to vary the court order, but you wanted ex to be aware in case family members contact him despite your insistence that the court order must be adhered to .

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/10/2025 00:29

Your sibling is an absolute knob for keeping the date a secret. I bet there are others who are now being brow-beaten into changing their plans.

PrincessFiorimonde · 30/10/2025 00:43

OP, I know I'm clutching at straws, but is there any other family member, or a family friend, who might perhaps be able to get across to your parents and sibling what an impossibly difficult situation they are putting you in, as you have explained here?

I'm so sorry to read that the people who are supposed to love you, and support you, have decided not to believe you and instead continue to back your abusive ex.

Best wishes to you and your daughter Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 30/10/2025 00:53

Don't ask.
Don't lie.
Just do what works for you in this difficult situation, go to wedding or don't whatever works for you.

have in your head a mantra - what is best for me and my dd. Then do that.

Howwilliknow122 · 30/10/2025 00:59

They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me

Id agree to no contact personally, with family like this who needs enemies!

NJLX2021 · 30/10/2025 02:17

I am very suspicious of this... Alarm bells are ringing for me.

I think you got exactly what you came for OP, everyone saying your family is awful, and you are such a victim to other awful people.

But, another poster said it on an earlier page - everyone except you seems terrible. And in my experience that is almost never the case. 99% of the time, it isn't that one person is perfect, and everyone else is awful. Which is exactly what your post describes, and exactly why everyone on here has come to your defense, with cries of going no contact.

For me though, it is far more likely that you are hiding a huge part of the narrative and history between you, your family and your EX. I would put money on you not being a blameless innocent party, and that the whole situation is a lot more messy than you are making it out.

Your family's reactions fit more commonly with this type of situation, where all sides have done things wrong, and the relationships in general have deteriorated so much that one more thing can "snap" the bonds on either side.

But none of that really matters, you've only told us your narrative, in which you are a perfect victim, and you've got the responses that you wanted.. so job done.

AgentSmith2025 · 30/10/2025 02:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

NJLX2021 · 30/10/2025 04:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Anyone who doesn't believe 100% of what a random person writes online thinks like an abuser?

Are you inclined to always believe that posters on here are telling you the exact and whole truth, being fair to all sides of a situation?

If you are, please be careful - scammers will love you..

Iliveonabighill · 30/10/2025 05:21

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 29/10/2025 15:07

Well, 'keeping it a secret' (what the hell FOR? Don't they think anyone else has lives to plan round?) has come back to bite them on the bum, hasn't it? Their control issues mean that they can't have the bridesmaid they want. Serve them bloody well right, if you ask me.

This

DarkFate · 30/10/2025 06:25

Darragon · 29/10/2025 15:02

Bloody hell, with family like that who needs enemies! What a Groomzilla!

Groomzilla! I love it!!! I will be using it at every opportunity!!

OP they don’t treat you very well. Fancy not believing your own daughter over him! Go low/no contact.

Bootss · 30/10/2025 06:28

MyOliveStork · 29/10/2025 14:55

Just say you asked him and he said no.

Yes this.

given the history, I would not approach him. Really poor from your family to pressure you that much. Just lie. nobody will know.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/10/2025 07:25

Nayyercheekyfeckers · 29/10/2025 22:14

"can you tell my sibling is the golden child?"
Well, actually, no I can't! Personally I loath the term. Parents don't love one child more than another!
I think that you should at least ask. You can couch it in terms of "I appreciate that it is your birthday and fully expect you to say no, but I just thought that I would ask in case you felt able to accommodate on this occasion". He will probably say no. You then have the text to prove it.

Don't be ridiculous. Of course parents often have a favourite child and abusive parents, the sort that take the abuser's side when their daughter divorces her husband due to domestic violence, take this dynamic to extremes.

Therapists use the terms "golden child" and "scapegoat" to describe roles in dysfunctional families.

NarnianQueen · 30/10/2025 07:28

Tell them to contact him and ask him then. If he says yes tell him thanks and just so he knows, you would never have asked it of him. If he says no tell him your parents are batshit and you warned them not to bother him.

This!

thepariscrimefiles · 30/10/2025 07:31

Nayyercheekyfeckers · 29/10/2025 22:29

"Because they think the whole world revolves around them and everyone would find it endearing?"

You just don't seem to particularly like your DB and soon to be sil do you? Are you finding it hard that they are about to get married when your marriage failed?

Could it be that your parents, as the carers of elderly relatives actually know their routines and what times of day works best for visits?

What's coming across here to me is that, according to your version of events, everyone else is very controlling, heartless and unpleasant. But would they have a different version of events? Are their different interpretations or have you done anything that contributed to your poor relationships with your brother, your sister in law and your parents. I find it hard to understand that any parents would be fine having a relationship with a man who was very violent towards their daughter. I'm just very curious as to why they didn't believe you? That's not to say that he didn't abuse you, of course, but do you know why they would accuse you of making it up?? It seems like there is a lot of background info to this.

You definitely are basically saying that OP is lying and that her ex-husband wasn't abusive. You have already denied the well known dynamic of 'golden child' and 'scapegoat' in dysfunctional families and you are now saying that it is very unlikely that OP's ex-husband is abusive and that her parents are correct in denying their abuse.

Your post is disgusting.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/10/2025 07:48

NJLX2021 · 30/10/2025 02:17

I am very suspicious of this... Alarm bells are ringing for me.

I think you got exactly what you came for OP, everyone saying your family is awful, and you are such a victim to other awful people.

But, another poster said it on an earlier page - everyone except you seems terrible. And in my experience that is almost never the case. 99% of the time, it isn't that one person is perfect, and everyone else is awful. Which is exactly what your post describes, and exactly why everyone on here has come to your defense, with cries of going no contact.

For me though, it is far more likely that you are hiding a huge part of the narrative and history between you, your family and your EX. I would put money on you not being a blameless innocent party, and that the whole situation is a lot more messy than you are making it out.

Your family's reactions fit more commonly with this type of situation, where all sides have done things wrong, and the relationships in general have deteriorated so much that one more thing can "snap" the bonds on either side.

But none of that really matters, you've only told us your narrative, in which you are a perfect victim, and you've got the responses that you wanted.. so job done.

You are basically accusing OP of being a troll and making everything up. If that is what you believe, report the post. If you really think that everything OP has said is a lie and that her parents and ex-husband are lovely, the only reason an OP would bother to make a post on Mumsnet about either an imaginary scenario or an actual scenario but where all the facts she has provided are untrue, you should report the OP under the category 'not a genuine poster'.

There is nothing in OP's posts that make me disbelieve her and there have been many other posts on Mumsnet where an OP's parents have taken the side of their daughter's abusive ex-husband. In fact, women are more likely to marry an abuser if they have a dysfunctional childhood with parents that massively favour one child over the other.

Katiesaidthat · 30/10/2025 08:11

Tatiepot · 29/10/2025 16:00

Totally with you on this @SpoilingTheWedding - I don't even have a court order with my abusive XH and I wouldn't do what they're asking you to do, not on an ordinary day and definitely not on his birthday...

As you say it just sets you up for problems later, my XH would think that I owe him something, or he'd f about with my days just to get even or start telling the DC that I arranged for the wedding on that date just to spite him. You just don't need it when you spend all year trying to keep things level/bearable and somehow stay sane.

If DD isn't bothered then it really isn't worth the hassle - part of the problem is that people who haven't been in an abusive relationship have NO IDEA how difficult it makes everything. If you're worried about being "made" to ask him, then maybe ask the court and when they say no, that's not what's been agreed, you have something to tell your family.

I don´t see why she has to be involved at all. That´s on his mandated day. OP has zero control over her kids on those days, so they need to contact the xhusband directly or feck off.

LeadBubbles · 30/10/2025 08:24

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 19:33

Apparently no-one knew when it was, not even my parents, my parents think it's sweet and kind of romantic they kept it secret.

Show quote history

This is the dumbest wedding idea I've ever heard! So so stupid! Leaving 6 weeks for people to block the date in December 🙄🙄🙄 How do they expect everyone to turn up? It's hard enough to book a date for weddings without adding this.

Undercovered · 30/10/2025 08:32

NJLX2021 · 30/10/2025 02:17

I am very suspicious of this... Alarm bells are ringing for me.

I think you got exactly what you came for OP, everyone saying your family is awful, and you are such a victim to other awful people.

But, another poster said it on an earlier page - everyone except you seems terrible. And in my experience that is almost never the case. 99% of the time, it isn't that one person is perfect, and everyone else is awful. Which is exactly what your post describes, and exactly why everyone on here has come to your defense, with cries of going no contact.

For me though, it is far more likely that you are hiding a huge part of the narrative and history between you, your family and your EX. I would put money on you not being a blameless innocent party, and that the whole situation is a lot more messy than you are making it out.

Your family's reactions fit more commonly with this type of situation, where all sides have done things wrong, and the relationships in general have deteriorated so much that one more thing can "snap" the bonds on either side.

But none of that really matters, you've only told us your narrative, in which you are a perfect victim, and you've got the responses that you wanted.. so job done.

You're ringing alarms bells as the kind of person who judges victims, minimises and dismisses their experiences.

I can't speak for OP but I can tell you that the members of my family who have acted like OP's are real and I'm not the only person who has gone NC with them as a result of their behaviour. I am not my ex's only victim. Bad people exist.

Sharptonguedwoman · 30/10/2025 08:34

SpoilingTheWedding · 29/10/2025 15:00

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

Show quote history

Why are you talking to them?!!!

PullTheBricksDown · 30/10/2025 08:35

LeadBubbles · 30/10/2025 08:24

This is the dumbest wedding idea I've ever heard! So so stupid! Leaving 6 weeks for people to block the date in December 🙄🙄🙄 How do they expect everyone to turn up? It's hard enough to book a date for weddings without adding this.

Show quote history

Agreed. It'll be 'sweet and romantic' all right when they only have half the people they wanted there because of the late notice.

Calendulaaria · 30/10/2025 08:43

Just tell them you asked him and he said no. Typical of people who have no understanding of dealing with an abusive ex. I've been dealing with one for many years, self preservation is the way to go. You've got enough on your plate.

ComfortFoodCafe · 30/10/2025 09:09

I would lie & pretend you asked and he said no.
sounds like theyve fucked up not telling people the date & a lot of people have declined so now they’re desperate to have who they can there.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 30/10/2025 11:49

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/10/2025 00:29

Your sibling is an absolute knob for keeping the date a secret. I bet there are others who are now being brow-beaten into changing their plans.

Edited

I very much suspect that the turnout for this wedding is going to be MUCH smaller than the attention-seeking couple would have liked. That close to Christmas, nobody is going to be able to change plans.

ClawedButler · 30/10/2025 14:46

Italiangreyhound · 30/10/2025 00:53

Don't ask.
Don't lie.
Just do what works for you in this difficult situation, go to wedding or don't whatever works for you.

have in your head a mantra - what is best for me and my dd. Then do that.

Absolutely 100% this.

ClawedButler · 30/10/2025 14:52

I really wish people would rtft before telling the OP to 'just lie'.

I'd cut off contact with the lot of them. Not respond to a single message. Leave them on read. Their appalling behaviour doesn't deserve even a one-word reply.

Oh, and we DO know that OP's family are terrible people because they do dick things like keeping a wedding secret and having it in December and making it other people's problem, and minimising or denying OP's sustained domestic abuse. Nice people don't do that.