AIBU to not let DS go out with friends unless he specifies where

[NimbleMintOrca]

Whenever DS16 asks whether he can go out with his friends I ask who is he going out with and where exactly he's going. DS often tells me who he's going with but for some reason refuses to say where exactly he's going. At most he'll give a vague answer, e.g. London. AIBU to not let DS go out unless he says where he's gone? Should I be asking DS what his plans are whilst he's with his friends?

At 16 he should have more freedom to decide who he sees and where they are going.

If you keep pushing this hes just going to lie about where he's going.

You will have to allow it at some point.
Agree with him that he has location on his phone so you can track him and hide an AirTag somewhere about him. If it turns it off then he can’t go out again.

Why? Even if he does say where he is going, he could just be fibbing.

YABU, he's 16. He shouldn't be asking if he can go out, he should be politely letting you know that he's going out, when he will be back. Maybe loosen up a bit and he will be more forthcoming with details?

Unless there is a dripfeed coming about him coming home drunk / high as a kite I think you need to let him teenage with a bit of autonomy.

I don't see this as being any different to any family member going out. It's normal to say 'we're going into London and I'll be back around 4pm.'

It's definitely not unreasonable to want to know where your 16 year is going and where. My children would always text me if plans changed i.e. where they were going and the later time they'd be home. My nearly 19 year old still does.

At 16 the name of the city would be all I had to give you as I left the house - we’d get the train and then what to do and where to go when we got there. I think you’re being over controlling.

He's 16 not 6.

Parents who treat their 16yos like this are in for a huge shock when their dc hit 18.

You're supposed to be giving them independence and life skills and encouraging open communication at this age, not putting your foot down, or he won't be telling you anything at all soon enough.

Don't do this, it won't give you any peace of mind watching him on a map but it will ruin your relationship.

when I was that age plans were made when we met up. And required negotiation with the group. Very few individuals were in a social position they could enforce their preferences without discussion.

He is 16! Maybe he doesn't even know where he is going to be able to tell you. That age they want to just go out with their mates and hang out.

For me, I think a vague, 'do you have any plans?' would be fine enough but I would make sure he knows what time he is expected back home.

You could tell him you want to be able to see his location on a tracking app such as Life360.

Do you have any reason to be worried? Do you think he may be up to no good while he is out?

He's 16 not 12, time to start loosening the reins a bit! It's normal to start wanting a bit of privacy and independence at that age, Christ I don't think my mam ever knew where I was when I was 16, she just trusted me to not get into too much mischief (and made sure I knew that if mischief did occur she was a phonecall away to come to the rescue no questions asked)

Surely unless a cinema trip or something similar is planned they just meet up and go where the wind blows them 🤔
Generally they just hang out. He should be giving you a rough location eg London, into town or whatever and a time to arrive home.

With DS (17), I like to have an idea of what he’s doing, e.g., going to Friend X’s house, playing soccer at this field, etc.

We live in a city that has some high crime areas so I focus more on where to avoid and why. For example, an particular area is known for drug sales so likely to have trouble and you don’t want to get caught up in that. Giving logical reasons for avoiding certain areas works best.

As long as he has a fully charged phone with him, give him freedom.

OP doesn’t need to watch and worry, she simply wants piece of mind he is safe and she can locate him should she need to eg he not be home at an agreed time.

At that age I would imagine they do not plan ahead that much. So they say head into London and then decide what to do.

That's even worse!

I dedinitely didn't tell my parents anything at that age just walked out the house.
But I will be requesting a location from my children when they get to 16, I think things are a bit more dangerous nowdays and I would like to be able to at least have a last seen location if they didn't make it home.

Honestly, if you push this, he'll just lie, and you'll have no idea where he is anyway.

Ludicrous. No wonder young adults struggle to be independent when they are mollycoddled and micromanaged by parents.

He might not even know sometimes. They might be meeting up and figuring out the plan on the way.

If he’s 16 then the plans will probably change once they’re out anyway, eg if one of them doesn’t get served in the pub they’ll have to go to another.
I would prefer to know at least roughly where they’re going though and would be worried if they were being secretive, but I’m from a family of all girls where the information is always offered.

@BendingSpoons. Even if they have an initial plan, they may end up doing something else afterwards, that often happens with my DS. That’s why I focus more on the areas to avoid.

He's 16
"Are you going to be home for dinner? Have fun and call me if there's a problem. Bye" is all you need to say