AIBU to not let DS go out with friends unless he specifies where

[NimbleMintOrca]

Whenever DS16 asks whether he can go out with his friends I ask who is he going out with and where exactly he's going. DS often tells me who he's going with but for some reason refuses to say where exactly he's going. At most he'll give a vague answer, e.g. London. AIBU to not let DS go out unless he says where he's gone? Should I be asking DS what his plans are whilst he's with his friends?

Do you actually want a good relationship with him as he transitions into adulthood?

This

Usually I would preface if he is heading further afield make sure he gets last train or bus etc

Why does he need permission to go out?
By 16 mine would let me know they were going and rough time of being back that's it.
Unless there is backstory you are being controlling.

My ds is 17. He always tells me where he's going and who with. Just as I always tell him where I'm going and who with. It wouldn't occur to either of us not to.

What's his issue? Not being open suggests he's up to no good. If he doesn't know exactly, fair enough. " a few pubs in Guildford town centre" would do.

Or turn phone tracking on.

That's neither mollycoddling nor micromanagement. It's just basic good manners.

Knowing roughly where someone is, in a world where accidents/incidents happen, is not unreasonable.

And if I know ds has gone further afield, I know not to have a glass of wine because I'll probably have to do a station run later.

At 16 you are being ridiculous

We live in a city that has some high crime areas so I focus more on where to avoid and why. For example, an particular area is known for drug sales so likely to have trouble and you don’t want to get caught up in that. Giving logical reasons for avoiding certain areas works best.

If you have a 17 year old who’s grown up and goes out and about in a city, you can be pretty sure he’s at least as streetwise as you!

The Gen X in me is screaming. He presumably has a phone if there's an emergency?

Let him have some freedom.

Yabu to expect an itinerary.

Ime teens often go for a wander/mooch and what they do depends on what they see, the weather etc. I think that a lot of adults are the same tbh- not everyone plans before a trip like that.

Of course its molycoddling.

What happened if he moves out at 18? Will you still be expecting calls and messages so he let's you know where he is? Or doesn't it matter if you're not in the same house?

Basic good manners is letting you know if/when he will be back.

Mine would tend to say something like "James and I are going into town, we'll probably eat there". This is just common courtesy, and my DH and I do the same. I wouldn't expect any more detail than that though.

YABVU.

AIBU not to let DS go out unless... is just wild in general tbh.

At 16, even if we went to place A, there was nothing to stop us suddenly deciding to go to place B on the bus/train. So even if he tells you where he's going, he could end up elsewhere.
It would be better to agree what time he needs to be home and impose sanctions if he fails to adhere to the agreement.
At 16 you need to give a bit of freedom.

Its a fine line to tread. 20 years ago was totally different. Very little knife crime, drug use wasnt so wide spread. I did worry back then about my almost adult children being out but I'm so glad they aren't teenagers now

Isn't it just!

what a horribly claustrophobic life these poor kids must live, with over-bearing anxious parents like that.

He's 16! If he was up to no good, he would just lie anyway.
Why do they HAVE to know what they are doing anyway? Why do you NEED to know exact plans?

Horrible advice to turn to "trackers". It's controlling and abusive.

I tell my kids what I am doing roughly, because I have no freedom as a mum 😂
I'd expect mine to tell me if they are travelling abroad or expecting to spend the night somewhere else, but let them be during the day! I don't know if I am home for diner is enough too.

Speak with your kids, know what they are doing in life (sports, tournaments, big parties and so on) but micro-managing them is recipe for disaster. At best you encourage them to lie.

@maudelovesharold Not necessarily, because he doesn’t follow the local news like me and we’ve never taken him to the high crime areas. He may have heard things but he’s never witnessed anything nor knowingly been around anyone who’s involved in a gang or would hurt him.

It’s just good to make them aware IMO. For example, there was an attempted rape close to our house a couple of weeks ago, near a field where he and his friends play soccer. So I let him know about it and to stick with friends if he’s walking in that area. The perpetrator’s now been caught, thank goodness.

My daughter usually tells me where she's going and who with.

She's in 'London' today with a friend who likes the Camden markets, so that's 95% where they'll end up.

With her other friends, 'London' means traipsing up and down between Victoria to Waterloo, window shopping. Or trekking to White City.

I think it's good to have a general idea of where they are and a lot depends on your child and their general friend group.

Of course, this is likely at odds with MN standards where children you're expected to house, clothe, feed and keep safe can do what/how/when they like.

At 16, every Friday, I told my parents ‘off to Jo’s/Claire’s/Helen’s tonight, I’ll be back Sunday afternoon’. We moved en masse, looked out for each other and rotated around our family homes. No further knowledge was needed by my parents.

Allow your son to grow up.

What would you do with this information if you had it?

With my 17yo, I tell him I don't mind what he does and what time he's coming home, but I'd appreciate it if he could share this information so I don't worry unnecessarily. And to call me if there are any problems. I wouldn't dream of telling him he can't go out unless he tells me exact plans.

In an ideal world you’d know all there whereabouts. However at 16, my parents used to push too much for where I was going and sometimes I wasn’t sure exactly and they stopped me going out on a few occasions.

Therefore I told many an elaborate lie! I’d give him the benefit of the doubt with the knowledge he can call you if he needs help.

He is 16. An adult here in Scotland!

If you want to know where he is going you need to ask him casually and he needs to know you won’t judge or challenge him unless it is a serious issue. He’s not a baby anymore, you need to trust him to make good choices based on what you have taught him over the last 16 years.

ds and his friends combined were a lot more competent than I gave them credit for, I would want to know how he was getting there, how was he getting back, did he have enough money but I held my tongue (mostly) as I knew he was a good lad with mostly decent mates. He was going into the cities for away football matches and days out from 14-15-ish. My main message was always stick together, learn how to diffuse any situation that gets out of hand and watch out for your friends. Only once I had to “rescue” him, after Transmt festival but that was Scotrails fault really when they cancelled lots of trains due to staffing issues.

Why do you think he is reluctant to share/chat about his plans? Are there issues you are aware of? Are you just too nervous/perceived as judgy of his plans?

Interesting that people think “London”
is a specific location. We live in London so I would expect something a little more clear, like Covent Garden or Camden or somesuch.

Unless he has no friend in the world and doesn't speak with anyone, you know teens talk?

You might not have taken him to the high crime areas😂
but if he's 17, he must have a clue what's happening just talking with friends!

If he's as completely unaware of everything and needs mummy to tell him to stay with friends because of an "attempted rape" close by ,it's terrifying to imagine he will be 18 in less than a year, leaving the house for uni , or travelling or even a job and hasn't been allowed to grow up first.