AIBU to not let DS go out with friends unless he specifies where

[NimbleMintOrca]

Whenever DS16 asks whether he can go out with his friends I ask who is he going out with and where exactly he's going. DS often tells me who he's going with but for some reason refuses to say where exactly he's going. At most he'll give a vague answer, e.g. London. AIBU to not let DS go out unless he says where he's gone? Should I be asking DS what his plans are whilst he's with his friends?

For most children who don't live in/very near London, they have probably not been there without adults at a much earlier age than 16 and go there infrequently. They are not likely to be going "off the beaten track" (which those places are if you're not familiar with London, with the possible exception of Camden Market).

But they aren’t likely to be going to anywhere off the beaten track. The places you’ve mentioned I’d just class as “London” (and I work in one of them)

Honestly, at that age I would just meet up with friends and we then decide what we were doing on the day. We didn't always have plans beforehand, we often didn't.

If my husband was expecting this level of details, I would call him abusive and frankly tell him to f** off.

I expect details because we have kids to manage, and it's important to make sure one adult is available and the kids are safe- that's parenting.

A full questionnaire about "who you are with, where, what are you doing" is just insane unless you are in Primary school.

Details to know who is expected for diner, that others are aware that parent will be taking sibling to club etc.. at certain time is for logistic, but everything else is ridiculous.

"I don't know if I will be back for diner, just ignore me" is more than enough.

I thought he was going to be much younger. I wouldn't think he'd even know what he was doing when he left the house - I certainly didn't at that age and would have no way to tell my parents anyway.

My daughter is 12 and she still tells me what she's doing but I doubt she will by 16. I think a general timing is fair enough, and an agreement that he'll text you back if you text him etc but otherwise - how would he know what he's doing before he meets up with his friends?

Why do you feel the need to be so controlling?

But isn’t it just pleasant conversation and a sharing of lives for folk who live together? My girls are excited to tell me about things they enjoy or are doing as I am them.

What?!?

do you guys really live lives where the people you live with don’t talk to each other in any kind of pleasant way?!?

What the fuck?!?!

Put an AirTag on a 16 year old boy when he goes out with friends?!

Of course I talk to my DH.

However, I don't expect to have to give him every little detail of my plans because I am a grown adult, not a small child who needs to be kept "safe".

Agreed. I can't see what good at all saying he's going to "London" will do 😂So if he doesn't come home for his tea the OP can nip into "London" and fetch him home?!

Jesus the world is going mad.

Ok. I’m happy with my world then where we all talk in my household.

Did you just completely gloss over the part where I said we do talk? 😂

But I am a grown adult who can go out, meet her friends and socialise without needing to give my husband all the details. Sometimes (shock) I don't even know my plans until I get there, and sometimes, I bump into someone and go for a coffee without telling DH.

It's almost like I'm my own person or something.

My parents tried to control where I went and who with.

so I lied.

obviously.

16 is way too old to be stopping him going places. He’ll just tell you he’s going to James’s house and then bugger off where he wants.

Doesn't the same thing apply if he says he's going to "Greenwich"?

Unless it's a very specific location (such as a specific restaurant) and he stays there the whole time and never moves, you are not going to be able to go there and get him. This isn't a 9 year old going to the local park.

We talk. Before I go out I would either say going out with some friends today or maybe give a name if it's just 1 or 2. The response to which is have a nice time. When we get home more specifics are shared such as did you go anywhere nice, did you have a nice time and so on

it's a big difference between a normal conversation and a "if I don't have exact details of everything, you are not going out"

It's a bit of a worry if you can't comprehend the difference

Our rule is I know who you are going with and where you are going. Update me if plans change. We don’t do curfews, just keep me updated. As long as the plan isn’t crazy, I won’t object.

I extend the same courtesy to my teen. I let her know where I am going and update her on when I will be back. My plans rarely change, but I update on that as well.

you all talk, or do you nag them about every little single petty detail because you are bored and don't go out enough by yourself? 😂

We TALK, but I wouldn't bore my husband to death with the complete description of any random day, and I wouldn't listen if he decided to go on and on about "how he went there on his day off, met xyz, had coffee with that one in that place, did this with the other one, then had lunch at that place because it was only 45 mn drive away"

Who's got time for that amount of nonsense 😂

My 13 year old regularly goes out without a specific destination, why are you so controlling over your almost adult child's movements? You need to start letting go.

Don't be ridiculous, it's not a questionnaire or interrogation but information freely offered up in conversation. I was at a work do the other day and DH knew not everyone who was there obviously but that it's an event most colleagues go to and he knows the name of several of them as I talk about them. Same with his work. He also knew what venue it was at. It just basic sharing of information with family you live with and sharing an interest in one another's lives and not remotely controlling!

If anything happened to one of you and the police ask you who you'd likely be with and a rough location and you can't answer that would be massively helpful wouldn't it? And it's shit parenting of a 16 year old.

Really, controlling?! Hardly, it’s called respect.

Yes, controlling. He's 16, he doesn't need to tell his mum every single detail of where he goes, what he does and who with.

As for getting grown adults to give you that much info - well, I'm just glad my DH doesn't insist on being told all of that

If anything happened to one of you and the police ask you who you'd likely be with and a rough location and you can't answer that would be massively helpful wouldn't it? And it's shit parenting of a 16 year old.

Why would I live my life based on what the police might need to know in the ridiculously unlikely event that something happens?

They could just track my mobile if that was the case, anyway.

I don't think most of us plan our lives around the remote possibility of the police ask you who you'd likely be with and a rough location
You realise that level of anxiety is not healthy, don't you?

There's also sharing some information, and boring the other one to death with mindlessly uninteresting details. Who has time for that anyway?

As it happens, our lives are more interesting because we don't spend it tracking everyone else and because we have interesting things to say instead of going on and on about everything.

What is shit parenting is treating your 16 year old like an 8 year old, and then be shocked they are unprepared for real life, or they avoid you like the plague as soon as they can get away from you.