AIBU to not let DS go out with friends unless he specifies where

[NimbleMintOrca]

Whenever DS16 asks whether he can go out with his friends I ask who is he going out with and where exactly he's going. DS often tells me who he's going with but for some reason refuses to say where exactly he's going. At most he'll give a vague answer, e.g. London. AIBU to not let DS go out unless he says where he's gone? Should I be asking DS what his plans are whilst he's with his friends?

And yet when crimes are committed by children this age there is a huge online response blaming the parents for "not even caring where their children are or what they are doing"

Not from me there isn’t. 16 year olds are old enough to take responsibility for their own actions, unless there are significant SEN or disabilities.

I would hope most interested and decent parents don't need to demand a detailed timetable and map to be sure their kids don't commit crime. Talk about hyperboles.

He probably doesn’t know. The kids are going to the the train with a vague destination. And they will see what happens.,someone says let’s go to the Boxpark, they go to the Boxpark.

I would just say look I know you’re old enough to look after yourself but if you could just reply to my texts and say where you are, it would stop me worrying. I’ll send you one at 2 and one st 6 (or whatever)

Yes at 16, I think he should tell you.

If he’s not got anything to hide, he should give you his location, so you’ve got it on your phone in case you need to know for safety reasons or an emergency.

Well my siblings and I always told my parents where we were going and roughly who with right up until we left home simply out of courtesy. There wasn’t any pressure to do it we just did. I always assumed that was just good manners if you all lived under one roof.

I think when mine were 16 it was more of a general chat about their plans, a normal interested chat you'd have with anyone, not demands to know who they're with and what they're doing. You have to release the strings a bit at some stage. This reads like he's 12/13.

YANBU at all. Perfectly sensible.

We’re happy with a vague location and a rough idea of who our 15 year old is with. Has to either be home at a certain time or call to say if he can’t or wants to sleepover or whatever.
they need some freedom! Push it and your DC will just lie…
But ours is sensible kid. Not a party kid so our attitude may change if he starts getting into going to parties or alcohol.

Friends boy has his friends round and then the boys go out and leave their phones at her house … so any parents tracking would see their kids are in that house…
justbsaying… don’t think they get up to much, just mooching around the local park or whatever.

You’d hope, wouldn’t you? 🙈

He’s 16 - he probably doesn’t know where he’s going in advance!

Kids should be allowed out without being tracked.

Would you want your adult daughter to be tracked like this by her possessive partner?

He's 16! I don't know about England, but in Scotland at 16 you can leave school, get married, vote and join the Army.

Stop mollycoddling him and instead have healthy discussions about safety, keeping his phone charged etc.

This was about the age when we sat down with our kids and talked about how we could negotiate this stuff. The agreement we came to was that they would message us if they moved to a different town or village (we live rurally and they had scattered friends) and they would message when they arrived at wherever they were sleeping/spending the night. I remember saying-and they remember too- that they shouldn’t do anything that would make me look like a crap mother if they went missing and I had to do a televised press conference.

Yes exactly, I would have no idea myself at that age, heck half of the time as an older adult i have no Idea

At 16 I expected an estimated time of return so that I knew how much to cook for dinner. Obviously perfectly acceptable for him to call later and say I won’t be back for dinner. Please leave in fridge do I can reheat later.

That’s why we had the “tell me when you move town” protocol. My kids also understood that it was mostly to make me feel better, and generally, they wanted to do that.

The children who commit crime are often out at silly o clock at a young age and have a long history of antisocial behaviour. They are likely to sneak out or walk out the house when they feel like it and don’t even tell an adult before doing so.

If the friends are dodgy (and OP doesn’t say this) then I understand why you wouldn’t be keen but you can’t really stop a 16 year old can you?

It’s not healthy for children to have to behave a certain way to make adults feel better, though.

Sometimes it isn’t, I agree. But it is very healthy to consider how your behaviour impacts on other people and if you can do something very minor and non intrusive that will ease someone else’s mind then you should think about doing it. My children were in no way restricted by sending me a text saying “Heading for Whitstable”

This - he could tell you anything anyway and just tell you what you want to hear, there comes a point where you need to start loosening the apron strings and letting them grow up.

It is hard, though.

Hm, I’m not sure I entirely agree with that, to be honest.

Thinking about how your behaviour impacts others needs to work both ways, and getting people to behave a certain way to appease your anxiety isn’t right, IMO.

Fair enough. Our family operates as a community-we like and care for each other and try to look after each other. Why shouldn’t a young adult do something that helps another member of the family feel better? Particularly if it has no impact on their freedom.

Fair enough. Our family operates as a community-we like and care for each other and try to look after each other. Why shouldn’t a young adult do something that helps another member of the family feel better? Particularly if it has no impact on their freedom.