AIBU to not let DS go out with friends unless he specifies where

[NimbleMintOrca]

Whenever DS16 asks whether he can go out with his friends I ask who is he going out with and where exactly he's going. DS often tells me who he's going with but for some reason refuses to say where exactly he's going. At most he'll give a vague answer, e.g. London. AIBU to not let DS go out unless he says where he's gone? Should I be asking DS what his plans are whilst he's with his friends?

Good grief, he’s 16!! My boy was out and about with friends, from the age of 9/10.

What’s your relationship with your DS like otherwise? Is he generally open and chatty about his life? Do you know his friends? I would see his ‘refusal’ to tell you where he’s going in the context of other things. Is it that he doesn’t know exactly where he’s going? Or do you think he’s off somewhere you wouldn’t approve of? And is this in the day or the evening? Plus is he post or pre GCSEs?

My DS is older now, but with a June birthday most of his 16 year old year was in 6th form, and I guess I just had a vague rather than an exact idea of where he was. Mostly he would have been local with friends he’d known for years and I knew their families, but equally there were a couple of new friends I didn’t know and a couple of times he would go to house parties where I didn’t know the family or the address, but they were all fairly local in terms of approx 5 miles away.
I never tracked my child. Agree with @Arregaithel that a fully charged phone is important - the only times I worried were when his phone went offline and in retrospect I should have been a bit clearer about making sure it was always fully charged.

FGS at 16 I was travelling all over the place on my own on trains
No way would I have told my parents where I was going
I was asserting my individuality
This is why so many kids are unable to cope with the real world when they have to face it

He’s too old to try and dictate to. Just ask what time he’ll be home and to phone if there’s a real problem.

I'd imagine if you live in London then your child is less likely to say "London" but narrow it down to an area.

I don't live in London, and if my child said they were going to London I would assume the central/touristy bits as it's highly unlikely they would go anywhere else.

I must be in the minority because I would want at least an idea. Even if it was ‘we are going shopping probably at (x place) but we might go to the cinema and have tea out, depends on whether John has any money. If we don’t do that we might go to the park but it depends on the weather. I’ll be back by ….’
Their plans might not be fully formed before they meet but they are not lemmings, he’ll have an idea of what they might do.

I think that level of detail is fair enough, but OP has said an answer of “London” is too vague for her.

I’d expect to know roughly who they were with, their vague location and the time they’d be back.

Some of the suggestions of tracking and AirTags are insanely controlling. Give the kid some space!

Loosen the reigns a little ffs. He's 16 not 6!

@TheZanyZebra You really have no idea what high crime cities are like. We live in a city where people are regularly shot so of course all parents talk to their teenagers about where to avoid. Are you honestly saying that you wouldn’t tell your teenager that an attempted rape had taken place in what we’d assumed was a safe area? If so, you must be daft.

If Mummy didn’t talk to her teenager about it, she could be identifying him in the morgue-seriously, you have no idea.

Edit to add that I’ve just looked at the local news and a 15-year-old was shot last night. He survived, thank goodness.

I do think on threads giving advice as to teenage DC it’s useful to know the personal situation of posters giving advice. When people are talking of their own teenage years, I think life is very different now, especially if you were a teen in the 80s/90s. And even those of us who have DC in their 20s, things have perhaps changed for teenagers now, where we’re still seeing the impact of the lockdown months on their confidence and relationships.

Are you outside the UK? I think people being regularly shot isn't common in any of our cities, even the big bad London but if you're somewhere guns are legal, it's a very different situation...

OP - I agree with majority of posters here, fully charged phone is all I insist upon (my DD is 16) and whether I'm likely to see her for dinner. DS is much more of a homebody but even at his age (14), the 'vague' answers you're getting would be enough for me.

It's so tricky to let go but 16 feels like a good age to do that...

@SanFranBear Yep it’s different here. But I’d still talk to my teenagers about safety regardless, my parents did in a middle-sized English town decades ago. Still had some drugs and gangs even then.

Really? They wouldn’t go to Camden or Greenwich or Shoreditch? Westfield White City or Westfield Stratford? None of which are anywhere near each other.

I expect my 16 year old to tell me roughly where he's going. Apart from anything else, more often than not I'll be asked to bring him home later, and I need to know if it's likely to be the village down the road or the city 20 miles away.

I find these responses quite strange.

it isn’t about keeping tabs on him, more just general politeness/friendliness in a household.

maybe I’m lucky in that my house is just female, but we want to talk to each other, to share our lives. I hadn’t realised that was unusual.

so ‘I’m going with Sue to Covent Garden today, there’s a cool shop there we want to check out’ would be normal. And on the return, a fashion shoot of the purchase. Etc.

With DD2 (16) I'd like to know what area of London they are going to, who she is going with, what their plans are and what time she'll be back. And they only go up in the daytime. And she has no problem with that.

But it’s all London, to those of us who live outside!

He’s 16! You will push him away completely if you continue to treat him as if he’s 5.

And to those who think I'm mollycoddling, my mum did the same 30 years ago when I was going into Manchester.

what are you planning on doing when, in less than a year, he decides to move out and live in that same area - or worst, because it's unlikely he will have a massive budget.

At 18, he'll still be a teenager but he will also be an adult legally, living alone without mummy.

That was my point.

My 14.5 yo goes out with his friends. He doesn’t always know where they’re going.

I can see on his phone app where he is if needed. I trust him.

Actually if anyone in the house was going out somewhere I apply the same rules, including to myself, so it's no different whether you are 16 or 54. Where are you going, who are you with, what time will you be back. Basic safety and respect. We don't track each other on apps though and call one another if plans change or we are going to be late.

All 600 square miles of it!

Yep.

Jesus no. He’s 16, not 6!