To not choose lunch based on husbands sexual expectations.

[RiseOfTheTeenyTinies]

this might turn out long so I don’t drip feed but my actual question is this -
Am I being unreasonable to eat garlic bread at lunch time knowing that we have a rare empty house that night and there is an expectation of sex. However I know that eating garlic bread will then mean no sex .

I don’t want to drip feed so will give as much context as I can. I chose the garlic bread because at lunch time my thought process extends as far as what is on the menu and do I fancy it. At that point I am not thinking oh better not, DH won’t kiss me if I eat this now and therefore I won’t want to have sex. DH thinks that I should think of this when choosing lunch.

Extra context - when we eat together we have a very plain diet with lots of ingredients that we can’t use. DH has a skin condition that is triggered by lots of foods and I accommodate this without complaint, as he accommodates my lactose intolerance. This is not a problem for either of us because it can’t be helped. However he doesn’t like me to use garlic in anything because “he doesn’t like it” but he is happy to eat garlic bread. That pissed me off, either you like garlic or you don’t!

There are certain foods that I enjoy that DH hates, and if I eat this foods he refuses affection because he is sensitive to the smell, this has lasted up to 3 days but usually is for the rest of the day of eating and the following day. These foods include anything with garlic, anything with lots of spice or raw onion. He says he can smell these things on my breathe even after multiple tooth brushings and chewing gum and eating rennies.

I usually just eat what I like and we don’t have sex for however long it takes him to get over it. He complains but I pretty much ignore it. I limit what I eat when we eat together already, I am not limiting it further.

However last night we had a rare empty house. DH has raised the fact that our sex life has declined recently (my drive is diminished because of medication I am on) so we have gone from 5 times a week down to 2 or 3 but those times I don’t always finish and some of the time I will just sort him out.

So given that I know he’s worried about our sex life I knew that there would be an expectation of sex given the empty house (I was on board with this btw, I do miss our old sex life) so he thinks I was unreasonable to eat the garlic bread.

Yes I'm not surprised to see the comments so far. Typical MN with double standards and hypocrisy! The "LTB" posts have already started pouring in.

I already know that it would have been the opposite reaction had it been OP who 'struggles with a certain smell that her husband can't just forego for one day for her sake and for physical intimacy, ya know?!' (That's how they'd put it, I'm sure).

It's not as if OP can't have her precious garlic bread any other day and let him deal with it.

@RiseOfTheTeenyTinies If you'd rather have garlic bread than sex with your husband, fair enough. Just say so. Don't make him out to be unreasonable (or let unreliable posters here tell you the same) simply for having scents that put him off just like everybody else.

The other issue of you both accommodating each other's tolerance and preference is what you do for each other. No issues there.

If all fails, have a talk with your husband and decide what you can and cannot do for each other. Give and take.

5 times a week bloody hell, I couldn't cope with that.
Eat all of the garlic bread and then some more. I'd be eating it every night for the forseeable future.

Not everything is misogyny. I don't know why people throw that word around so casually. Soon it will lose its meaning.

If the poster was expecting only women to do this, you might have a point. If it's fair for both (as I believe it is) to consider each other, what has "misogyny" got to with it? Or would you call it misandry too?

DH has raised the fact that our sex life has declined recently (my drive is diminished because of medication I am on) so we have gone from 5 times a week down to 2 or 3 but those times I don’t always finish and some of the time I will just sort him out.

So he's controlling about your sex life as well as your food intake and complains about it when he doesn't come 5 times a week but he doesn't care if you do. What would happen if you didn't "sort him out" when you don't orgasm?

EAT ALL THE GARLIC BREAD EVERY DAMN DAY.

Your H is being controlling. The garlic bread thing is a red herring. It all sounds like such hard work as well.

It takes time for a relationship to be like this. If someone presented like this in the early days, surely you'd run a mile?

@Terrytheweasel You schedule sex? Why?!

What kind of garlic bread was it , op? Like a baguette or a flat bread?

Nobody should feel under pressure to have sex, or like there's an expectation to have sex. If my partner and I have a romantic night in and he eats a bit too much, feels bloated and is no longer interested then I would be totally unreasonable to get annoyed with him. I wouldn't get all offended and say "why did you eat so much, do you not want to have sex with me", that would be coercive behaviour - whether it's a man or a woman doing it. It's not ok.

If it's a choice between garlic bread or sex then OP should absolutely be able to choose the garlic bread without any pressure, manipulation or any other kind of moodiness/guilt trip from her partner. I would choose the garlic bread personally.

It’s clear op that you don’t want to pay any heed to the posts detailing that your husband doesn’t sound very nice. That’s normal. All I would say then is to try and think how often you do something to please him that you don’t get anything out of, and how often that happens is reverse.

The sulking about the lack of sex (when he already has it 2-3 times a week!) is so off putting. He got in a grump because your garlic breath put him off and this was somehow your fault for being inconsiderate. OP can’t you see this isn’t normal? I have high sensory issues myself (light, smell, noise….), I’m certainly not saying his sensory issues are his fault. I probably get it better than most. But, his expectation of sex (when you’ve already said your medication is affecting your libido and ability to orgasm) is not cool! He knows your libido has taken a downturn and yet he still expects sex 5 times a week! This is off the scale entitlement. To YOUR body! I’m sure you do enjoy sex. I also enjoy sex. But if my DP expected it because the house was empty disregarding my libido/medication/changes I would be fuming! Sex is not his entitlement!! And to blame you for eating something perfectly normal which HIS sensory issues find off putting IS controlling behaviour, even if you can’t see it. This is all wrong for the following reasons:

1. he felt entitled to sex because the house was empty and expected to have it
2. he has a very healthy amount of sex already but appears aggrieved not to have more
3. sex involves an orgasm for him but not for you (due to medication) and he continues to want/expect it as much as before despite knowing your enjoyment is not what it used to be
4. he blames you for eating garlic at lunch as HE doesn’t like the smell (his problem, not yours!)
5. he is in a grump because he didn’t get his sex entitlement for the day

He is controlling you and the man child grump about not getting sex is the most off putting of all! I‘m sorry you can’t see it for what it is. You say he’s a good guy. Good guys don’t get the hump about sex, especially if they get it 2-3 times a week!

He expects sex more than 2-3 times a week… he doesn’t want sex for 2-3 days after you’ve eaten something he deems smelly… and he thinks the solution is for YOU to curb your eating choices?

Surely the solution is for HIM to get less fussy? Oh and make more effort during sex so that you actually enjoy it as much as he does?

He’s acting like you’re his own personal sex doll rather than a person with wants of your own.

He's being ridiculous. Stick to your guns.

Only twice a week, flipping heck. After 20 years we are down to once month!

In honour of this thread, I've just had some garlic bread.

And I definitely finished.

Keep some garlic bread in the freezer. If you’ve had garlic bread at lunch and he wants to have sex then he can choose to have some garlic bread. Air fryer or oven and then you’ll have delicious garlic bread to eat together. He’ll have garlic breath too so then your breath won’t matter and sex can happen. If he doesn’t want to then he’s made his choice.

There’s always doggy style or spooning but you said you need some kissing to get into the mood. He could try kissing your body all over and avoid your mouth. He could head on down south and help you have an orgasm before sex.

I’m very sensitive to smells and tastes. There are times when I won’t kiss my DH because of what he’s eaten. Generally DH will happily go brush to see if it improves it for me if I mention it. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t.

We also have a whole bunch of food intolerances and dislikes between the two of us. It’s annoying sometimes but whatever. Better than having the other one in pain with an upset tummy or headache or a painful mouth.

Honestly I’m kind of with the DH. Empty house so a chance to have less restrained sex and not having to be quiet, and what sounds like is normally an amazing sex life. Of course he was disappointed with OP smelling of garlic. However him sulking and trying to make it solely OP’s problem isn’t okay. He could have suggested garlic bread as a pre-sex snack so they could be garlicky together. He could have talked to OP about it instead of blaming her. He could have offered to go down on her and avoid her mouth, or maybe a naked massage and enjoy touching each other’s bodies and being together. There are other options.

@RiseOfTheTeenyTinies Mostly I’d say eat the garlic bread but for a rarer opportunity like an empty house to yourselves then I’d have skipped the garlic bread. It sounds like normally you do enjoy sex and the medication is really messing with that. I hope the change in dose helps and you get some of your libido back.

Absolutely!

Reminds me of the saying 'Nowt as bad as a bad shag and nowt as good as a good shit'

Keep some garlic bread slices in freezer and feed him them a fore play???

In that case instead of moaning at you could he not just have eaten some garlic bread himself and then had sex?

As it's fairly transactional, which you seem to be cool with, why is it completely necessary that kissing is involved? Me and my husband have mint sex but he's a bit of a shit kisser and I'm a bit hypersensitive about oral stuff, so I just keep that bit at a bare minimum which doesn't detract from the mint sex? Like, you don't even need to be facing each other?

We normally have sex if we’re seeing each other

God he sounds a right pita, in fact sorry but you both do and at least are not spoiling another couple.. You know sex is meant to be spontaneous or t least be fun ?

To be honest, I don’t think anything else needs to be said. Close the thread, enjoy your garlic bread OP 🥖

You should always do what’s best for your husband , Op. I don’t think you should be eating garlic bread full stop really. Maybe if he was away on holiday or something you could (but make sure consumption was way in advance of his return). @RiseOfTheTeenyTinies

Is this a joke?

I think it is, or the husband has joined mumsnet.