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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not choose lunch based on husbands sexual expectations.

227 replies

RiseOfTheTeenyTinies · 29/10/2025 06:50

this might turn out long so I don’t drip feed but my actual question is this -
Am I being unreasonable to eat garlic bread at lunch time knowing that we have a rare empty house that night and there is an expectation of sex. However I know that eating garlic bread will then mean no sex .

I don’t want to drip feed so will give as much context as I can. I chose the garlic bread because at lunch time my thought process extends as far as what is on the menu and do I fancy it. At that point I am not thinking oh better not, DH won’t kiss me if I eat this now and therefore I won’t want to have sex. DH thinks that I should think of this when choosing lunch.

Extra context - when we eat together we have a very plain diet with lots of ingredients that we can’t use. DH has a skin condition that is triggered by lots of foods and I accommodate this without complaint, as he accommodates my lactose intolerance. This is not a problem for either of us because it can’t be helped. However he doesn’t like me to use garlic in anything because “he doesn’t like it” but he is happy to eat garlic bread. That pissed me off, either you like garlic or you don’t!

There are certain foods that I enjoy that DH hates, and if I eat this foods he refuses affection because he is sensitive to the smell, this has lasted up to 3 days but usually is for the rest of the day of eating and the following day. These foods include anything with garlic, anything with lots of spice or raw onion. He says he can smell these things on my breathe even after multiple tooth brushings and chewing gum and eating rennies.

I usually just eat what I like and we don’t have sex for however long it takes him to get over it. He complains but I pretty much ignore it. I limit what I eat when we eat together already, I am not limiting it further.

However last night we had a rare empty house. DH has raised the fact that our sex life has declined recently (my drive is diminished because of medication I am on) so we have gone from 5 times a week down to 2 or 3 but those times I don’t always finish and some of the time I will just sort him out.

So given that I know he’s worried about our sex life I knew that there would be an expectation of sex given the empty house (I was on board with this btw, I do miss our old sex life) so he thinks I was unreasonable to eat the garlic bread.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 29/10/2025 09:42

RiseOfTheTeenyTinies · 29/10/2025 08:38

A few points are coming up -

I do (usually) enjoy sex, it’s not something I am doing as a chore. The medication and changes that have come with that are a struggle for both of us. We do have sex when we don’t have an empty house but it is usually much more fun when we don’t have to be quiet etc.

I am not usually bothered that he avoids kissing after me eating forbidden foods, at first it used to upset me but over the years I have reframed it as a him problem. If he doesn’t want sex because of what I have eaten I respect that.

It has been an issue this time around because he properly got the hump, why would you eat that when you know we would have sex tonight. My thought process didn’t go beyond “ohh garlic bread, go on then!” However he thinks it should have been a consideration, especially because we have had this same argument before.

He is a great guy usually, he just has sensory issues.

@RiseOfTheTeenyTinies you do realise that he “assumed” he was having access to your body because the house was empty .
He was deciding you were in the mood . He was deciding what you were choosing to do with your time and your quiet empty house for the night . He also assumes and expects to decide what you eat.

A healthy sex like is respect and mutual .

UninitendedShark · 29/10/2025 09:42

MsSmartShoes · 29/10/2025 08:38

If I were you I’d eat garlic everyday in the hope that he moves out.

This^

I’d rather eat garlic bread any time than shag this controlling prat. He’s not even good in bed by the sounds of it.

anyolddinosaur · 29/10/2025 09:43

He eats garlic bread - so feed him some for dinner, problem solved.

MaurineWayBack · 29/10/2025 09:43

FourIsNewSix · 29/10/2025 09:23

Some people are really sensitive to the smell of garlic and are definitely able to smell it without being told about it, I have a relative like that.

YANBU to eat it outside of home from time to time with understanding it means no sex.

In this case it depends on whose expectation of sex it was. You phrased it as his expectation and his concern with which you are on board. That's strange.
If you see it as his expectation, you can say "nope, I prefer my garlic bread".
If it is your expectation and concern (as well as his), YABU.

I chose the garlic bread because at lunch time my thought process extends as far as what is on the menu and do I fancy it.
You are evaluating the menu for allergies anyway, checking for the word garlic isn't that much extra effort.

When you chose to ignore it, you send very mixed signals about whether you care about your sex life or not.

How do you explain HE eats garlic bread himself?

I mean yes by all mean, that other people issues into conservation blablabla (which the OP does A LOT btw).

But how can anyone say they have major issue with one food so much so that their partner isn’t allowed to eat any out of consideration etc… and STILL somehow can manage to eat it with no issue at all?

And that’s wo going into the fact that the more restricted person diet wise cannot expect the other person to tun their life around them and their dislikes/likes.
Accommodating someone doesn’t mean erasing yourself!
Talking from someone who has a dh on the spectrum that needs accommodations.

MJMa · 29/10/2025 09:45

Dontbeme · 29/10/2025 09:33

I would be replacing my body lotion, shower gel and deodorant with a tub of garlic butter.

This. In spades. 😂

Zippedydodah · 29/10/2025 09:50

VenusClapTrap · 29/10/2025 07:01

I’d probably eat more of it to keep the sex pest away

Me too.

Show quote history

And me!

LizzieW1969 · 29/10/2025 09:52

Shedmistress · 29/10/2025 07:02

Garlic bread has garlic butter which has lactose in it so I'm a tad confused here.

I’m dairy intolerant myself. There is a vegan option with garlic bread, it’s actually very tasty. Maybe the OP has that?

JHound · 29/10/2025 09:52

I mean this marriage would be a non starter for me as we could never have sex!

JHound · 29/10/2025 09:54

Shedmistress · 29/10/2025 07:02

Garlic bread has garlic butter which has lactose in it so I'm a tad confused here.

A lot of lactose intolerant people can have small quantities of lactose without incident. I am lactose intolerant but a drop of milk in coffee is fine. If I try and have a milkshake however….

PinkPonyClubDancer · 29/10/2025 09:58

Life’s too short for that bollocks. Eat the garlic bread. I would.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/10/2025 09:58

If he really is that smell sensitive, then the solution would be for him to eat the garlic bread when you do- in fact when he saw you eating it , why didn’t he have something nice? Maybe it was him not thinking ahead either!

ShesNeverSeenAShadeOfGray · 29/10/2025 09:59

I would make it clear that you're not going to live your life giving up all the food things you enjoy and make your own life enjoyable because he has sensory issues.

Life really is too short.

Alittlefrustrated · 29/10/2025 10:02

YANBU considering the restrictions you have on your diet at home.
I would say that though, because I can't bear knowing there is an "expectation" of sex. It puts me right off.
I'd probably be having a garlic mushroom starter too.

Tink3rbell30 · 29/10/2025 10:03

Garlic bread over a whiny man.

Ontheedgeofit · 29/10/2025 10:03

Gosh what a lot to think about.

JudiRuliani · 29/10/2025 10:04

BallerinaRadio · 29/10/2025 07:08

A really good garlic bread would probably be more enjoyable tbf

🤣🤣🤣

FourIsNewSix · 29/10/2025 10:05

MaurineWayBack · 29/10/2025 09:43

How do you explain HE eats garlic bread himself?

I mean yes by all mean, that other people issues into conservation blablabla (which the OP does A LOT btw).

But how can anyone say they have major issue with one food so much so that their partner isn’t allowed to eat any out of consideration etc… and STILL somehow can manage to eat it with no issue at all?

And that’s wo going into the fact that the more restricted person diet wise cannot expect the other person to tun their life around them and their dislikes/likes.
Accommodating someone doesn’t mean erasing yourself!
Talking from someone who has a dh on the spectrum that needs accommodations.

Show quote history

I don't see the gotcha. In my relatives case, she ate it from time to time in some meal when there were no good alternatives. And it still smelt to her after.

Garlic doesn't smell that much when you eat it, the smell strengthens when it is processed by human body.
Moreover, maybe kissing someone with garlic odour is more intimate than eating garlic.

The OP has a partner with garlic smell intolerance. Calling it a "dislike" is unhelpful.

She can eat it and they just won't be able to kiss afterwards.

The OP arguments that she shouldn't have to think beyond what she fancies for lunch.
I'm saying that she needs to own the consequences. If she wants to have sex that day, she can chose to consider it when selecting her lunch. If she chose not to consider it, she obviously isn't that bothered about sex that evening.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 29/10/2025 10:06

I couldn't live my life like that. If he wants sex that much, he'll get over himself.
God that attitude is so unattractive that I am surprised you ever have sex with him at all.

LT1233 · 29/10/2025 10:11

My husband would let me brush my teeth with dogshit, let alone garlic to have sex 2 or 3 times a week

Foreverautumnagain · 29/10/2025 10:11

My ex used to smell permanently of stale garlic. He knew i hated the smell which seemed to exude from every pore and through flatulence, but ate it purely to annoy me. Just one of his controlling habits. I left and was so much happier without him. Good result 👍

Onautopilot · 29/10/2025 10:12

Hang on though, he likes and eats garlic bread...or did I missread the first post?
If so, I apologise; if not then he's an absolute hypocrite! (cue: bunches of garlic festooning the kitchen a la French villa)

arethereanyleftatall · 29/10/2025 10:13

There is a scarily high number of women on mumsnet/the world whose bar for a ‘great guy’ is on the floor.

MJMa · 29/10/2025 10:14

LT1233 · 29/10/2025 10:11

My husband would let me brush my teeth with dogshit, let alone garlic to have sex 2 or 3 times a week

this. I don’t think there’s anything I could eat that would stop sex. 😂

You eat all the garlic bread you want to OP!

MaurineWayBack · 29/10/2025 10:18

FourIsNewSix · 29/10/2025 10:05

I don't see the gotcha. In my relatives case, she ate it from time to time in some meal when there were no good alternatives. And it still smelt to her after.

Garlic doesn't smell that much when you eat it, the smell strengthens when it is processed by human body.
Moreover, maybe kissing someone with garlic odour is more intimate than eating garlic.

The OP has a partner with garlic smell intolerance. Calling it a "dislike" is unhelpful.

She can eat it and they just won't be able to kiss afterwards.

The OP arguments that she shouldn't have to think beyond what she fancies for lunch.
I'm saying that she needs to own the consequences. If she wants to have sex that day, she can chose to consider it when selecting her lunch. If she chose not to consider it, she obviously isn't that bothered about sex that evening.

Show quote history

It’s not a gotcha. I was just presenting my own view if that’s ok?

The dh here isn’t eating it because there is no alternative. He is choosing to do so. I mean garlic bread rarely constitute the main event in a meal right?

From what you say, it seems that it would be ok for him to eat garlic bread with his meal but the OP would need to forgo it AT THE SAME MEAL just so they can have sex because he can’t cope with the smell on her but can cope with him eating it?? How crazy is that…..

Also the OP had no issue with the not having sex that night. It’s her dh that has….. and made a huge fuss out of it.
All because he expected her to be available for sex on that night…..

176509user · 29/10/2025 10:21

You need to have a frank discussion with him and point out that:

You will eat what you like
You will no longer have sex just to please him
Sex on demand is a HUUUGE turnoff
This is the way it’s going to be going forward and if he wants sex he’s going to have to make the effort to get you interested.

If he still moans about these very reasonable adjustments in your favour, perhaps you need to consider if it’s worth staying with him.
He sounds like HARD WORK.