Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

If you can't afford to fund it, then don't have it. I'd never expect friends to pay at a celebration I'd organised for me!

I wouldn’t do this, you have to do what you can afford. It’s different to booking a table in a restaurant and people paying for their own meal.

They aren't guests if they have to pay. It's cheeky. Just have a party in the house or pay for a few friends to eat in a pub.

Nobody's "incensed" pet - although you do sound a bit ragey at times. And that super dramatic self pitying update about a "pile on" does make you sound like you're vying for martyrdom again 😅

You got your answer, glad you've decided to have the party you can afford, always the best solution really.

If you're too triggered by people writing words in response to your question, just ask mumsnet to remove the thread.

I’m assuming the hosts knows her guests well enough to know they like to drink.

For my 50th I had 3 non drinkers, one dosnt drink at all and the other 2 were sober drivers. I paid for venue, food and DJ that was by far the cheapest option, only a small contingent of my family could make it, buying them 1 round of drinks was almost the same cost of the venue, food and DJ together. I knew non of them would eat at the party, they never do which is why I made sure I bought them all a drink when they arrived. As the host I knew my guest list.

No sorry that’s not a guest invite. If you want everyone to join tell everyone your plans (where you’re eating) and suggest anyone who wants to join checks out the menu and books on…. Be great if you fancy type thing

I definitely think you should have a party, OP. But I think the hotel with its £50-per-head meals plus drinks and a room charge is too expensive. I mean, you'd get away with providing a buffet, water jugs and a couple of glasses of wine each, then having a cash bar, but I'm not convinced that doing it the other way round would work well.

I went to a wedding ceremony which was held in a grand, beautiful house. Then (because the only catering packages allowed at the house cost ££££), we had to go to a conference centre for the reception. I admit that the contrast was stark at first, but the room had at least been decorated, the food was nice and everyone seemed to have a great time chatting and dancing. The people made the party and pillars, cornicing and rose bushes turned out to be irrelevant.

If my friend said 'Im having a party with 40 people, but it will be £50 but i will buy the wine, then you can stay over in a hotel that you have to pay for then have breakfast you have to pay for too but after we will go for a lovely long walk'

The answer would be 'No thanks'

Sounds like more of a wedding kinda plan not a mates birthday

Yes but I suspect she’s described herself as hosting because she wants the kudos (and control over what is eaten, venue etc) without the pain of paying. That really could be a metaphor for our whole culture at the moment - “please give me the gain but don’t expect me to invest the pain”.

See that crossed my mind too.
Different groups at different tables. Its a sit down meal not easy for Op to actually mingle.
Would anyone pay £50 to essentially make up numbers in the room?
And even if they did they'd be pretty peeved if they hardly actually spoke to the 'host'

It would be better as a buffet & dj type party everyone dancing. And time to mingle.

A hosted party in a function room isn't what a guest would expect to pay for. A friend had a big party and asked everyone to bring a food contribution, that was fine. Something to consider? It doesn't need to be anywhere expensive, just a venue with a dj or whatever. Xx

I'd always only host what I can afford. ATM, that would be a handful of close friends and family at home with a buffet-style meal. Not expect guests to pay for anything.

I wouldn’t be excited to go to this at all.

This don't invite 40 people if you can't afford it.

Why can’t you jsit say what the date is? The only thing that would maybe be worse than this is either Christmas Day or Nee years Eve

I will never hold an event where I cant pay for everyone so simplify it or invite less people, if a whole group all decide to pay whatever amount that is up to them but no I would never ask anyone to pay it myself

Duplicate

Duplicate

Duplicate

I dont see why the date makes a difference on the amount, it is either ok or not

Too cheeky. Could you get a loan out to pay for it and ask for cash as a gift? Still a bit cheeky but that way nobody is under any pressure to pay an amount that is out of their means.

If youre asking people to pay then youre not "hosting" anything.

40 guests is not a ‘cosy lunch’.

Scale it back and invite those you can pay for in full.

I had a big birthday last year - also January. We went to a ticketed event. I just messaged who I wanted to invite and said I want to do this for my birthday tickets are £30 be made if you can make it. 18 out of the 20 people came xxx