Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

Why feel sad and depressed on your birthday?

You’re alive and well on a planet that still has much beauty to offer.

Maybe speak to a counselor about your birthday issues?

I disagree - that's planting your flag deep inside CF territory and asking the citizens to pay all your expenses for the conquest.

I don’t think you can ask your friends to fork out £50 pp in the way you imagine, but on the other hand, could you not say, I am thinking of having a lunch to celebrate my birthday at x place, would anybody like to join us there, the drinks will be on us? Does it have to be a set menu?

I think it would be find if you were asking people to pay to join in with a specific thing - eg an afternoon tea where everyone pays for their own or if the lunch is a set menu - but I don't think you can just ask people to contribute towards general party costs.

A buffet in a nice function room (of a pub or restaurant) would work and help keep you in budget - then folk can get their own drinks from the bar, as long as you provide the soft drinks and maybe a welcome glass of fizz. £1.5k divided by 40 is £37.50 per head, for which you'll almost certainly be able to find somewhere nice. It won't be posh-country-house-nice, but definitely nicer than a freezing village hall!

Going against the grain here- I have a milestone birthday coming up, and about half of my friendship group live the other side of the country. So even though I've paid to hire a venue and am putting some money behind the bar etc, people are having to pay to travel/stay in hotels etc. My friends are very happy to do this for me, as I would be for them!

You can suggest it, if people can't afford it they won't come. Put your £1.5k towards as much as you can and let people know what else they'll have to contribute, then they can decide.

I don’t think people mean to pile on. Cost Of living is high and there always seems to be something to spend £50 on. It’s fine to want to celebrate your birthday but you need to pay the bulk of the cost or somewhere with a menu so people can choose themselves.

Why are you making such a big fuss over your own birthday party as an adult, is it like 100th or something?

If you want to invite 25 or 40 people to lunch, you pay for them.

How about a restaurant instead of a (potentially depressing) hotel function room? But you'd still need to pay.

It’s fine to be any to celebrate your birthday. Celebrating yourself is good for you

How about asking an Indian or Chinese restaurant for a quote for exclusive use/buffet for 40 on your date.

If it is an awkward date their trade that day might be minimal.

You could negotiate a bottle of wine or two for each table.

Birthday cake for pudding.

It would be a no from me. I'm guessing your birthday is close to Xmas, hence the crap date. £50 is a lot of money to commit to a birthday celebration so close to xmas. I have several family members with very close to Xmas birthdays (1 week before Xmas, 1 boxing day, 1 between Xmas and new year, 2x nye) the trick they have found is to get in early and go a bit off the beaten track with venues. So not venues that are advertising they are doing Xmas meals/ Xmas parties. SIL has had some success with booking mid afternoon for her birthday which is on boxing day (after the lunch rush but before main dinner time) at this time or year before staff rotas start been drawn up.

I think you need to either scale it back a bit - family or close friends only for the lunch and drinks or something cheaper for everyone else, or think of something else. Is it possible to hire a function room in a pub or part of a cafe or restaurant and have a buffet? There are a lot of lovely venues near me that offer "parties" with room hire and a buffet, afternoon tea or set menu for x per person.

@birthdayquandary - I don't understand why, if you have a budget of £1500, you don't just offer to pay for lunch for 25-30 people (you said realistically this is how many is coming anyway) and everyone pays for their own drinks. If it's at lunchtime and people don't live nearby then most will be driving anyway?!

She wants them to stay overnight and have a walk in the morning.

I don't know if it's worth adding any comments because you've had so many.

However, I had a friend (now lost touch) who always had birthday do's in restaurants. I assumed at the time that she was paying. But no. The bill was split between everyone which was unfair in itself as some people had 3 courses, others 2 and some didn't drink. In addition, we had fares for the train and taxis.
The difference was she was wealthy and we weren't.

I don't think you can arrange a birthday meal and expect guests to pay, regardless of whether you think they can afford it or not. The other option is to do an event at home and buy in drinks and nibbles or nice high quality ready meals.

Why are you being so secretive about the date? Just tell us!

I wouldn’t really want to pay £50 for a set menu where I probably don’t get much choice in what I’m having. I also wouldn’t dream of paying to stay in a hotel after a lunch out, in a location only an hour away. If I’m paying to stay in a hotel it’s got to have more purpose (ie somewhere much further away, to feel more like a holiday,
Exploring somewhere new, to relax in after a nice spa day etc).

Loads of pubs will accommodate a group of 25 if you give them enough notice, they’d love tne custom. Just do that and people can pay half the price for a (probably much nicer!) meal of their choice.

I thought nobody could attend in the evening due to it being a significant date?! So why would they be staying over?! She literally says in her OP...

Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home

Time to get home for what?! I'm so confused by how complicated all of this is.

Just invite the amount of people you can afford to pay for, have lunch with them and then everyone goes home. FFS it's so dramatic 😂

Completely understand the shitty birthday date. Mine is near xmas and it is depressing. I would float the idea to the people you want to come and see what they think about it or if they come up with a better/alternative idea.

They might be more willing to push the boat out if it's a milestone birthday thought that shouldn't really matter at all.
Hope it all works out @birthdayquandary

Just do that and people can pay half the price for a (probably much nicer!) meal of their choice.

Good luck with doing the maths on that one at the end of the meal and the drinks tab!

Yeah I agree. She then said that everyone could have breakfast together and go for a walk.
In all honesty it sounds like a wedding type of thing she has in mind.

Is it new year's eve or Christmas eve?

I honestly couldn't think of anything worse than getting up and going for a walk with a load of people after the big "do" the day / night before! I just want to have breakfast and then get in the car and go home.

It sounds like something from a Hallmark movie.

I think I would take it down a notch. Cut your cloth....as people say.

Invite friends and family to celebrate your birthday with lunch at X (Choose a posh gastropub and bookatable). Ask them to RSVP a couple of weeks before so that you can finalise the numbers.

As a guest, in this scenario I would always assume that I am paying for myself and my family members. Also, in my social group it is the custom for the bill to be split between all the guests, excluding the birthday boy/girl but even if your guests don't do that, at least you are only paying for your husband, yourself and children you have.

I think it's nice if you ask the venue to put on table wine and a glass of champagne for everyone which you could arrange to pay for separately.

Ask hubby/a friend to organise some table decorations to make it really special.

Have a great day, OP.

If it's 1.5 hours for those furthest away and you don't like your village hall, why not organise a lunch somewhere half way? Then that's 45 mins travelling for everyone, and everyone will be able to get a train home in the evening? Might find more reasonably priced places too, or a hall you don't find depressing for a buffet.

True! Not my thing.