Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

I would also consider whether it’s mor important to have the gathering on the actual day, or to have more of your loved ones able to attend. It sounds like regardless of what day it falls on, the date is always going to limit people.
I must confess I am perplexed as to why it’s so important to do something on the actual date - for me the day is spent with immediate family/husband etc, and gatherings with friends just on a suitable date nearby

Another thought - if you’ve got disparate groups of friends, is it going to work doing something with them all joined up?

You know your friends. It might. But worth sense checking. Otherwise, a smaller guest list party might work better.

I would happily pay £25 for birthday lunch.

I like this one! 🤣
My birthday is at a time of year when no one wants to spend extra money so it’s usually ignored by everyone except close family!
My DH has organised 2 surprise parties for me - both the appropriate number of days after my birthday (eg 50 days after my 50th) and it was cheaper (he inadvertently let this slip) because the venue was quiet.

I'm not trying to be cagey about the date, I just don't want to put any identifying information on a public forum...

So, say we ignore the date, which may anyway be a red herring. It is an awkward day, let's just leave it at that. And the date is probably why I have an 'issue' over my birthday. Anyway, leaving all that to one side...

I think my hesitation about doing something more casual (e.g. a buffet) is that people might flake on the day (given its awkwardness and the tendency to not to want to do anything at that time of year. Which I get, in previous years I've often not wanted to do much on the day). A friend had a birthday drinks - rented out a nice local bar-type place, laid on some buffet type food (cheese mostly) and it was a paid bar. It was an evening at the same time of year, but not an awkward date. I know of several people who flaked on the night because it was cold and rainy and dark and they just couldn't face going out. It's hibernation time. So I wanted it to feel like more of an occassion so that it felt like it was worth the effort for people to come. Hence not just drinks or nibbles, etc.

If I invited everyone who I'd like to be there, it would be 40ish people. I have no idea how many would come. But I need to budget for the eventuality that they do all come.

But what I'm leaning towards now is a smaller lunch just for one group of local friends on the day (at a pub, or maybe even the nice cosy country hotel) and then doing a bigger party later in the year in the garden, if I don't feel like the moment has passed by then.

@birthdayquandary I see your 40 friends don’t actually know each other? I have disparate groups of friends too (not unusual) and when I had a big birthday last year and didn’t want to organise a party I did multiple things inc dinner with my family, cocktails with one group of pals (old work, drinkers); pub with another (local mums); and nice actually cosy lunch with my two best mates (that’s what we do). Would something like this work for you? I didn’t pay for any of those actually (obvs paid my own drinks) but I could have bought (say) a round of cocktails or lunch for all of us if I wanted to splash.

I see you are not prepared to say what the shitty date is where lots of places are closed, but bc it is a Saturday you can go out, and it’s not in the Christmas run-up or V Day? I presume 27 Dec or 3 Jan as noted, neither of which is such a terrible date. Anyway. I have a Jan birthday so I do sympathise but I suspect the date is not as terrible as you claim. As I say, I persuaded several groups of people to come out in early Jan and celebrate.

Christmas Day. Now that’s a tricky day for a birthday if you want to mark it with mates on the day.

All this and you still won't say the date so people can actually see why it's awkward? It's hardly outing. There are only 365/366 days in a year. Chances are several people on this thread will share the same birthday.

Is the awkward date quite far in advance? As otherwise a lot of this could be irrelevant. I know some people are suggesting over Christmas/New year in which case anywhere decent will be booked out already.

Op you probaby share your birthday with 1800 folk. Thats how maby people are born daily in the uk.

I agree, I want to know what an “awkward”
date is. Never heard of a date being “awkward” before. And in the more recent message where OP told us she isn’t going to reveal the date as it’s outing, she went on to mention the “awkward” date two more times. Just bloody tell us! The context of knowing the date may help us with replies and suggestions as well!

It's the 27th December or 3rd Jan. Literally the only "awkward" dates which aren't in the run up to Christmas, aren't Valentines Day and fall on a Saturday.

I agree with the majority here that charging guests would be inappropriate. I'm also puzzled about the logistics:-

Do the invitees have to pay in advance before numbers are confirmed to the hotel?
Or will tickets be sold at the door?
Or will there be a massed flashing of credit cards for a 40-way bill split?
Or do you invoice the attendees afterwards?

However it's done it could get very awkward & embarassing.

Personally I'd take that budget of £1500 & go away with just my other half for a really luxurious hotel stay over the actual birthday weekend. Then have a more casual friends get together at a better time of year. But whatever you choose to do I wish you a very Happy Birthday OP.

I’d just go out for lunch with friends “for my birthday”.
That way everyone pays for their lunch as normal?
Won’t be a big “do” but it wi t require a party budget.

Id hire a skittle alley or similar and put on a buffet lunch. £50 is a lot.

Or I think would be ok to go out for a meal but make it clear that everyone pays for whatever food they order, that way they can order to their own budgets.

Or can you just arrange toeet in a pub mid afternoon and then no meals involved.

A much better option.

Have a cosy lunch in the winter on your actual birthday and a summer party for a larger group with lighter,more casual catering.

I do this (January birthday) and let’s face it, that’s what the Queen always did (Trooping the Colour is the monarch’s Official Birthday).

Of course you can't charge people £50 per person OP, just because it's something you fancy doing. They will all bring gifts as well - how rude to charge them! Just do something else you can afford.

This sounds a good idea to me too.

We just did it for my dd’s 16th this year - late autumn birthday and right in the middle of mocks. Had it in the summer after GCSEs and it went really well!

This just sounds so stressful to me, could not be bothered.
There is no need to feel sad or depressed on your birthday.
Not sure if you would even enjoy the meal with all the expectations you have?

I think your daytime rather than evening plan will help reduce flaking.

That said, flakiness is becoming really really common. So probably need to brace yourself for it regardless of what you go for. It’s probably less bad when people think it’s small enough that their absence will be missed.

In theory, all of these different groups of people would meet, mingle and make new friends at OP's big party. But as well all know, in real life people tend to cluster together with whom they already know.

So basically they'd be paying (and using leisure time, transport time, energy, etc.) to travel for 2-3 hours in one day to sit around chatting with friends they could see back at home, amid a bunch of strangers, and paying handsomely for the privilege, despite not being allowed to even select what they are served to eat.

Look at it from their point of view, OP.

It would be better to celebrate locally with people for whom it's not an inconvenience, and arrange a separate gathering with the Big City people at another date.

Completely agree with this.
OP, you seem to want an expensive celebration with all the extravagant extras yet not want to fund it yourself.

Could you cut to cost by doing afternoon tea rather than lunch?

I don't begrudge anyone who does this, but I can't claim to understand it, either.

Is it that everyone is entitled to one "celebrate me!" day per year?

Because a birthday is binary - it either is one's birthday, or it's not. Pretending that it's in a different month is .... odd. Because the birthday is when it is.

I can see people saying "Olivia's birthday, June 15th?? She was born in October, I distincly remember purchasing an orange babygro for her. What is going on here?"

I could see giving a gift ON the birthday that is delayed, as in "you're in the middle of exams, let's have your cake and a nice meals, and here's a voucher for a ski trip in January." But not saying "let's celebrate your BIRTHday on a ski trip in January." Because the birthday will be long gone; it's just playacting on a different date.

No I wouldn't. That £50 would be needed to feed my own kids for several days not a one of thing to feed myself for one meal on someone else's birthday .

Id just arrange a meet up in a lovely bar or pub in the city for drinks and say arrive after lunch and if it's a pub which has a function room even better! Then you'd only need to pay for some nibbles and people can order meals at the bar if they want to