Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

And get a cleaner to tidy? Or give close friends tasks. Mine always help me after parties.

I think it’s fine tbh. How is it any different to saying would you like to meet me at x restaurant to celebrate my birthday? Or going to a hen party etc. If people know the price and it’s a fixed price menu it makes it a lot easier on the day for payment as well. No faffing around counting up who had what and (as is always the case) there ending up with a balance to pay. Obviously some people will say no, as long as you’re prepared for that. You will also know the rough financial situation of your friends and if this is possible for them. Just make sure you give a few paydays notice.

Because when you go to a restaurant it's a different vibe from hosting in a private venue. Plus, at a restaurant I can choose dishes which are more budget friendly and maybe not have 3 courses.

Op you're getting a hard time but mn is v weird around birthdays (i even started a thread on it!)

We hosted a couple of significant birthdays & on 2 occassions we booked an area in a v nice bar & we prepaid for x amouunt of wine, bubbles for a toast & lots of cheese & charcuterie boards with bread & crackers etc

We invited people from 8pm.& made sure the invitation specfied 'wine & cheese' so guests knew not to expect a full meal

There was a bar so people were free to buy alternative drinks. But there was plenty of food & wine for all.

Worked v well

OP could you not find a hotel function room that would allow you to host a buffet? This would probably be cheaper and mean you can socialise more too? If you have a budget of £1.5k I really think you can host a lovely party without people chipping in!

That said, I will go against the grain and say if you’re really upfront with everyone that you’d like them to contribute, I think it’s fair enough! If people can’t or don’t want to then they won’t come!

I’d pay for afternoon tea. But not £50 for one lunch.

Actually I'd rather attend an afternoon tea, what a brilliant idea you've come up with. @birthdayquandary what about what @Toddlerteaplease has said?

I don't think people are goign to be getting smashed on a Saturday during the day at our age?

lol. I wouldn’t be so sure about that, I love getting squiffy in the afternoon.

Why not though? It doesn't have to be on your birthday. I'm celebrating my 50th for 12 months.

I'm am very much up for getting smashed in the day time and going to bed at a normal time.

Maybe it's just me and my very large circle of friends, but I've never been to a birthday lunch or dinner that wasn't held in someone's home and not paid for it. IMO, this is completely different to a birthday party, where, as the host, you should definitely foot the bill for everyone.

Weird - do you you all just not celebrate if others aren't paying for it?

I can't believe I've filled up nearly a whole thread! Who knew people would be so invested!

I'm not going to defend myself anymore, but thanks to those making sensible suggestions. I probably should have expressed my initial question differently and might start a different thread for less goady ideas. But basically:

My birthday is on an awkward day of the year. This year is a big one and happens to fall on a weekend. I'd like to celebrate it on the day with friends, for the first time in forever. Half my friends are local. Half live where I used to live, about 1-1.5hrs away. One challenge is I have lots of small disparate friendship groups.

I want it to be during the day, as an evening thing won't work. I don't want to hold it at home. I don't want to do afternoon tea (due to my own dietary restrictions, which makes that a tricky meal for me). But also because I'm looking for a lazy, relaxed 'at home' vibe for a meal. A nice country boutique hotel or pub vibe with roaring fires type thing. Ideally somewhere DH and I can then stay the night and do a beautiful walk the next day. If anyone else fancied staying over night (no expectation here) and walking with us they'd be very welcome. I have a budget of up to £1.5k. Quotes I'm getting from the type of place I'm after are coming in at £50ph just for food, and there's additional room cost, service charge and drinks on top. Guest list would be 40 people if everyone came, but probably more like 20-25 given the awkward date (people may be away, broke, or just can't be arsed to leave the house).

Just do what you can afford. Hire a room and do a buffet, or have it catered, it'd be a lot cheaper than what you describe here.

People won't come to a party they have to pay for. It's not fair to ask. £50 per person is a significant amount. Me and DP never pay that amount each when we go out for a meal, and would hate to have to do so for a party.

I also these days am more up for getting smashed during the day and having an early night. I actually can't really manage big meals and drinking in the evening anymore - as I just don't sleep aferwards thank you menopause

For me this depends totally on what is normal in your friend group.

It's not something I would do, but I wouldn't automatically be outraged if I was asked to do it.

(Same with evening only invites to weddings - I wouldn't do it, but I now understand what people mean when they say: either go or not go but stop moaning.)

See, I disagree with most of the posters here, and I would have no problem with that at all. In fact, I have been to something similar, a private dining experience for a friend's birthday and paid considerably more. I've also never been to a party with my friends where I haven't brought my own drinks or provided something towards the food. I think you know your friends and know what would be acceptable to them. And if they love you, I don't imagine they would have any problem with you explaining that you would love to get them all together for lunch on your birthday, and that you can cover the cost of the drinks if they don't mind paying for their own food.

No way.

But OP, I think you’re still in dreamland here. If you want 40 people, you’re not going to be sitting any near cosy log fires. Pubs etc will put you in a special‘function room’ and IME they’re soulless places and certainly not furnished with a roaring fire.

To get the vibe you clearly want, scale things down to 10/12 and pay for everyone yourself. They may still put you all on a long table in a dreary part of the pub though. For what you want you need to be in a small one-table group really.

Op are you talking about Boxing Day?
At which point people might not want another big sit down meal just after Christmas day.

You need to give details here as its making little sense.

There is also the issue of driving after the night before for a lunch

I agree. Book a nice hot buffet. People don’t expect mass catering for large parties to be A-MAZING, they just want it to be nice. That’s not the point of the occasion - it’s to get together, relax and mingle in a good atmosphere.

@birthdayquandary one thing though - 40 people is not a 'cozy' lunch. The thing that comes across in your post is that you seem to be mixing two (or more) types of events. 20-25 you MIGHT get the sort of atmosphere you're talking about - does this make a difference with costs, rethinking the arrangements?

so many cross posts.

Well 20-25 people at £50 per head is £1,250 max. You sort the service charge (15% would be just under £200), everyone pay for their own drinks. Sorted.

If your budget is £1.5k and you think 25 people will come, I don’t see why you can’t pay for 25 people’s meals (that would come to £1250 and leave you with £250 left over to spend on your hotel room), and then I’m sure people wouldn’t mind paying for their own drinks and cut of the service charge. No one would expect you to pay for their hotel room but surely no one would be that fussed about staying over after a lunch.

Is there a reason you aren’t telling us what the day is? Why so cagey about it?