Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

OP, that's so selfish.
if you can't afford to hire the room /food/alcohol for your party then don't do it.
Go out for a meal instead, where everyone pays for themselves.
Why do you feel you need to hire a function room for a private dining experience and invite so many people for a birthday knowing full well that you can't afford it?

Possibly but she mentioned trains being an issue, which made me think 2026,
I imagine lots of people already have family plans for this 25th/26th.

Christmas food orders are open so lots of people must know their plans

Its not a good idea. Poor etiquette.

No - completely unreasonable

It's a tough one OP - it really depends on your friends and you're the only one who knows them, but from what I can tell, YABU.

For me, I would never pay £50 for lunch. I don't think I would go, even for a close friend. I've never been asked to pay but parties are much more low key than what you suggest. Most people can't afford your suggestion so they have to do something else. I don't think the difficult date is either here or there.

Given where you live and the timing, you're asking for too much. Arrange something elsewhere. Do something on the day with a small group - go out for dinner as a 6? Surely it will still feel special if you never get to celebrate on the day.

No way will lunch in a nice hotel be £50
An average bottle of wine will be about £40
People will not want to stay all day
People work all week they will not want to spend a whole day of a weekend on someone's birthday

If your birthday is at a crap time of year, give yourself an "official" birthday like the King and have your party at a better time of the year. Then you have more options or more chance to save up and do what you want.

OP Do ignore the, ahem, "goaders". This place is rife. I totally get where you're coming from. A once in a lifetime celebration on your actual birthday is NOT too much to want/ask. I hope you have a wonderful day whatever you do. 💐

Ignoring the cost bit, I’m not sure a hotel private room type booking will really fulfil that long lazy cosy lunch vibe you’re looking for.

If you think of similar events you’ve been to, they’ve generally got a far more formal event / hospitality type vibe. Seated meals are pretty rubbish for chilled chat with anyone other than the three people you’re immediately adjacent / opposite on straight tables, and those either side on large round tables.

Is there a chilled pub in a suitable area? Somewhere you could take over an area of, with some decorations, cake, buffet that you provide. Buy your own drinks type vibe. That’s often better suited to chilled cosy chat than served meals are.

Or, humour me for a minute. Look at where is used for wakes. They generally have that daytime, chilled chat vibe and mingling. Far more than the meal bit of weddings (if you use the two settings as a comparison point). Theyre also often much better price points. Golf clubs often work well.

OMG
It is a birthday - it is really not a massive deal to anyone else

Unless your friends and family would normally spend £70 plus each on you (meal plus more expenses) £140 from a couple then it evidently is too much to ask.

I don't think the date is the issue, the issue is asking couples to cough up £100 plus for lunch at an already expensive time of year.

Op why not do proper party, buffet, dj and dance the night away

I dont think thats the done thing really No.Can you not just book a table in a nice pub somewhere? They may very well pay themselves anyway.but thats different than an expensive lunch somewhere .Also in the middle of the day, how early would you expect people to turn up if they are driving.

You mention wanting a “cosy” meal - I wouldn’t think a hotel will achieve that - function rooms can often feel quite stark.

It does seem like almost a wedding vibe and the sort of thing you either pay for entirely or don’t do. Or where you at least pay for the food and some of the drink, and perhaps others pay for further drinks.

I would find a not too expensive restaurant and book a big table there - somewhere genuinely cosy with tasty but not too expensive food. Maybe a smaller number of guests. Then you might be able to pay for it all, or people wouldn’t mind paying for their food if it’s not expensive.

Or pub room and buffet. My DSis and DBIL both did that for 50ths and they were both pretty cosy and I doubt they came in at above a grand: as they were lunches, there was a lot less drinking than you'd get in the evening, and it was more child and travel friendly.

If it was a friend I loved, I'd be more than happy to pay so they could have a celebration.

If you have some money to go towards it, how about a renting/borrowing a marquee/shelter for your garden, renting/borrowing some heaters, and getting an outside caterer to do odds and sods? A relative with a December birthday did this last year and it was fab.

why should any of us have to do that with awkward (because of stupid traditions) birthdays. we weren't born on a more suitable for everyone else day.

I doubt your friends are bothered you’ve got a big birthday to pay £50 each for their meal.

I honestly think it's ok to ask them, they might see it as great chance to all get together and you will be covering quite a bit, you aren't making a profit out of them! Maybe be clear no present as they are paying £50 each. I would be happy to pay this for a lovely lunch and celebrating a big birthday. Obviously seem to be in the minority.

Why is it once in a lifetime?

No! It’s rude.
Hire somewhere for drinks? Put some money behind the bar then when it’s gone, people buy their own drinks? Don’t host something you can’t afford!

@birthdayquandary is there a pub locally that could do a buffet? I did that for a big one. Although I know the landlords so took my own food.

Why not have 2 more simple birthday lunches, one local on the day, and one in the city on another date? Convenient for both sets of friends and two nice days out for you.

That's a fab idea.