Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

How exciting! I'd ask a local pub to hire out a room then get sharing boards, a cake, and a few bottles of wine and soft drinks then say people are welcome to buy different drinks at the bar if they would like. Should be a lot cheaper.

I think people are quite flakey these days anyway so you will still get people not turn up. Worth being prepared.

Totally fine, honestly Loads of people do that now as long as you’re upfront about the cost and not making it sound like an obligation, it’s no big deal. Real friends will be happy to celebrate with you.

Could you have couple of celebrations, on of which is a cosy pub meal for local friends?

MN is not "weird" about birthdays. It's not a hive mind. The OP asked for opinions. She got them. They vary. She's reflecting on that.

Could you ask the venue to provide a buffet lunch, with 1.5 k budget you may be able to pay for all the food? I don't think wanting a birthday celebration makes you spoilt!

I think your revised plan sounds like a good idea, OP. I know what you mean about people being flakey and not turning up, though!
I hope it goes well and you have a good time 😊

There are times when I'd assume I was going to be paying for my own food at someone else's birthday celebration, and times when I wouldn't.

'It's my birthday next month - anyone fancy meeting up for lunch on X date? I was thinking maybe restaurant Y?' = great, I'll certainly come along if I can and I'd expect to pay for my food and drinks.

'It's my birthday next month and I've decided to hire out a restaurant/function room for a private dining event for my birthday party. I'd love to invite you to come along - places are £50 per person' = nah, that's a hard pass from me.

If you organise an event and hire a venue for it, you're not just going out with friends for a meal - you're holding a party and it's up to you to make sure you can afford to host it. If you charge people, you're essentially asking people to buy a ticket (and expensive one at that) to your birthday party, and that's not really OK in my book. It's akin to asking people to buy their own food at a wedding.

Agree with this. I too have an awkward date birthday (albeit one in the summer) and never got a celebrate it with friends as a child as they were all off on holiday. So as an adult I decided to celebrate my actual birthday with whoever is around and up for what I fancied, then have a half birthday - which is in Jan - as well to cheer everyone myself up. I completely disagree that adults shouldn't celebrate birthdays, especially the big ones. Growing older is a privilege and life is hard - take the dinners out, lunches out, parties etc where you can get them.

Just adding for a laugh as I posted up thread I've just been asked to include someone's daughter I haven't seen for four years! I'm paying in December for a 60th lunch party and this popped up today. I'm shocked to be honest. CF.

No, sorry, that's a complete non-starter.

Would you travel 1.5 hours (some of your friends) there and then back, and pay 50 quid per head (so a 100 if a couple) to attend a lunch? And more, if they want drinks? And then trek home? No evening out, no drinks, no fun, just sit, chat and eat for an hour?

That would be a no for me, absolutely not. Not for my bestie, not for my parents, for my child or for myself. It's either you properly celebrate it in my world, so in the evening, music, drinks, dancing OR not, and just go for a quick, casual lunch with a couple of friends/partner. Which I'd never pay 50 quid for.

It would be a waste of a lot of effort and quite a lot of money for not much reward, what you're proposing. Sorry.

My sibling's birthday is 25/12. He's an adult, so either he doesn't celebrate it at all, of gets congrats from people he's spending Christmas with (family usually).

No absolutely not

I have to say 25th is a rubbish day for a birthday.
24th is also a rubbish day, everyone is too busy..
26th everyone is knackered but many would will make some effort, for a special birthday.

I wouldn’t pay £50 to attend anyone’s birthday in this way. Under a difference scenario, I might host and pay for my meal and a portion of the birthday person’s, but not like this.

I imagine you also run the risk of having to confirm numbers with the venue, then having no-shows (especially in flu season) and having to cover the cost yourself. I wouldn’t do it.

No No No

Also, just to add I have two friends with birthdays 21st Dec and 3rd Jan. They host their party in the last weekend of June every year. They have done this for about 10 years at this point, even on zoom through Covid, and most of their friends think this is their actual birthday. Could you consider this? If your birthday is another significant date, it might be most people forget when it is anyway. Choose a date that suits!

It's a good idea and a friend has done this since year 1 for her son who was born on Boxing Day. I wish my parents had set up this precedent when I was a child. But alas they didn't, and it's not something I've ever done as an adult because once the day has passed I don't really think about it again that year.

I had a birthday lunch for 12 for my 50th 3 years ago. I chose a local restaurant and everyone ordered their starter and main in advance and everyone paid for their own food at the end. I knew that not all my friends could afford to join me so I was grateful to those who did as I could not afford to pay for everyone. I did a few lunch/brunch/coffee dates with others. Something for everyone and it made my birthday celebrations last all week

Hi OP sorry I have to agree I wouldn't be happy to ask people to pay this however I often go to birthday lunch with a group of friends and we all just pay for our own. It's not a set thing agreed with the host. It's more of a going for lunch to celebrate a birthday and welcome to join us type invite.

Another friend did host an afternoon tea for her special birthday at a nice hotel. She paid the afternoon tea for the 6 of us at probably around £30 a head and then we bought any drinks we wanted over and above the included tea/coffee. We all took a gift. Could you do something along those lines as a compromise? Enjoy your birthday 🎈

It's a no from me. If you can't afford it don't do it.

Are you related to Donald Trump by any chance??

Oh OP you know you can’t! Hey f&f , I want a party but I can’t afford it so you can all pay for it. Er nope!

@lechatnoir We each had a main meal plate of food that cost about £13-15 each. Plus free deserts because it a deal they do one each per week. £12-15 is about standard for that sort of meal around here to be fair. A roast with all the trimmings would definitely cost more!

Thinking about this more, OP - it did occur to me that I’ve never paid anywhere near £50 for a meal. Some on here may scoff, but it’s true - not everyone is wealthy or able to afford smart restaurants.

So I think you need to take several of the factors out of the equation: you could drastically reduce your numbers and pay for guests, or choose a much cheaper place and invite people to join you for an informal get-together.

And just keep it local - that will help cut down the guest list and remove the need for expensive overnight stays.

If you’re hosting you pay. J

If you’re hosting you pay. J