Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

I think its a bit cheeky asking people to pay.

I wouldn’t. I would just do what you can afford. Could you have a smaller dinner with your best friends or immediate family? Then drinks with a larger crowd?

You can't make guests pay for your party. That's close to CF territory.

No, I don't think you can ask people to do that.
Cut your cloth...

You can't charge people to come to your birthday lunch.
Plus, why would people need to stay over after a lunch?

A lot of people haven't got £50 to spare to celebrate your existence.

I’m here for all the threads from your friends, asking if you’re a CF for asking for $50 to attend your party.

Sorry, OP, it’s a no from me.

That sounds a lot of money for lunch, I wouldn't want to pay it.

That sounds a lot of money for lunch, I wouldn't want to pay it.

You can't afford the type of party that you'd like to throw for yourself so you're asking your guests to pay for it? It's a no from me. Scale it right back.

I wouldn’t, but some would.

I have been to a 50th like this in England where the invitations said something like (in small italics at the bottom), ‘Please don’t worry about buying me a present, but if you’d like to contribute toward the dinner that would be gratefully received as I’m an idiot and didn’t realise the cost of it all’.

I think naming an amount is tricky, though.

It’s not something I’d ever consider doing and it’s being a CF, but that’s just my opinion. Have a smaller celebration.

I really don’t think you can do that. People will be feeling the Xmas pinch anyway by the sounds of it, you might not get much uptake and a percentage of those who do come and pay would do so reluctantly.

You wouldn’t be ‘hosting’ really if you’re not paying for it. People who have such parties do so because they can afford them 😬

It’s a no from me.
I’m normally ok with people paying for their own meal but this is too expensive and is essentially them paying for you to have the party of your dreams…you simply can’t afford it.
You either need to downsize to the number of guests or to the venue/type of lunch you can afford.

I'm sorry I don't think you should.

I'm really struggling to imagine why an evening is impossible at any time of the year though. January is a depressing time of year but people do still leave the house in the evening. If it's eg Valentine's Day, that is quite short-lived so something like the following Saturday might work.

Another option I've seen done is have a tea party - hire out a few tables together in a restaurant and buy everyone afternoon tea.

Could you look at costs for a room hire, buffet and bar (guests buy their own drinks but you supply 1st drinks or non alcoholic options)?

I think it’s fine to say that you’ll pay for drinks and guests will pay for their food, but only if it’s on the basis that they pay for what they have, not a flat £50 fee to be served what you choose. And be generous with the wine for the table.

I’m torn on this one. If someone invited me out for a birthday meal I would expect to pay for my own lunch, but a private dining experience is a bit different in my mind. It’s more akin to a wedding or something, having that many people in a private space.

No, i don’t think you can ask that many people to pay for lunch for £50 pp. In a way, if it was just 5-10 of you, v close family, you could say you’d like to all go out together to x restaurant, would people be happy to come for this sort of meal? But hosting a large party, I think it means you need to pay. Holding it in a private room etc is too formal to make it pay your own. If you asked people to join you at eg the nice pub, and you’ll buy drinks and people buy their own meals, it’s informal enough to be people buying their own. Or host a buffet that you pay for and people get their own drinks. But committing your guests to a set charge of £50pp, for that many guests, isn’t ok. If they’re paying, they need to have control over how much they pay, and it needs to have option of being v little. And needs to be more informal.

I think it’s quite a selfish plan that only really benefits the hotel.

For example the people who “may need” to stay over, what makes you think they want to stay at the same hotel? It’s likely going to be an expensive overnight stay. They might want to make their own arrangements and not line the pockets of that specific hotel. But the arrangement you have kinda pressurises them
to stay at that hotel and keep the party going.

secondly, for £50 for someone else’s birthday meal - I think people are going to be more fussy about what they get for their money. You’ll end up with people drawing comparisons to the food at their favourite restaurants and seeing whether it measures up, and if it doesn’t, they might be frosty. How much alcohol does that £50 include, I’m guessing none. Again, you’re making people undertake further expense

For what it’s worth, I could afford the £50 and regularly spend that much and more when eating out. But I think it’s the principal of the matter that would annoy me. It’s your birthday, but it reminds me of the faff of attending friends weddings in the middle of nowhere with all the hidden costs etc.

You'd be better off paying for their meals and letting them book their own rooms if they choose to stay there.

Dial it back and make it simpler and cheaper. Don't make the £50 charge the bit everyone will remember, because they WILL. If a family of four came out hat would be £200! For lunch!

Also what is the crap/difficult time of year? Might affect responses.

This isn't you hosting. This is everyone else hosting you.

No! If you can’t really afford to do it, don’t do it.

If you’re inviting couples, that’s £100 before drinks in the run up to Christmas which unless your friends have plenty of money, is too much.