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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

549 replies

birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 22:51

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

OP posts:
therole · 28/10/2025 23:33

I wouldn’t be happy to pay £50 for a lunch, even for my bestie, sorry!

Original poster
birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 23:33

It is not valentines day!

OP posts:
CarmelaBrunella · 28/10/2025 23:33

Then it's not manageable. It does seem to be a bit odd to stay overnight after a lunch? People would pay for that,then pay for dinner, then breakfast the next morning?
I didn't realise that you're married - can't you and your husband have a nice hotel meal and stay overnight?

CarmelaBrunella · 28/10/2025 23:36

birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 23:31

Ok, yes - that is one idea. But I still need to do something on the actual day so that I don't feel sad/ depressed/ deflated (which is usually the case)

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Then you and your husband go out for a nice meal together and stay overnight in a hotel.

Jewelanemone · 28/10/2025 23:37

I'm only here to find out the mystery 'terrible day for a birthday'!

CarmelaBrunella · 28/10/2025 23:38

How long have you been married? Has your husband never done anything nice for your birthday at all?.

Original poster
birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 23:38

CarmelaBrunella · 28/10/2025 23:33

Then it's not manageable. It does seem to be a bit odd to stay overnight after a lunch? People would pay for that,then pay for dinner, then breakfast the next morning?
I didn't realise that you're married - can't you and your husband have a nice hotel meal and stay overnight?

yes, we could. We have done that in the past.

I just wanted to have a party this year, on my actual birthday.

I know I sound like a pathetic 10 year old. But it's really hard to explain and I think really hard to understand unless your birthday is also on a shit day of the year.

Most years it isn't an issue. I just do nothing much/ go out with DH for a meal (although a lot of restaurants are closed). Sometimes we've been away. But this year, because it's a 'big' one, I wanted to do something special and have a big celebration on the actual day. For once.

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 28/10/2025 23:38

If your friends are loaded, go for it.
If not, don't 👍

Thistooshallpass. · 28/10/2025 23:38

Is it New Year’s Day ? In which case you are right no one’s wanting to go out in the evening .

JDM625 · 28/10/2025 23:39

McSpoot · 28/10/2025 23:28

That is a Saturday in 2026…

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Yes I know! The OP said its not in the lead up to Christmas and falls on a Saturday. What is your guess of the shite day?

Original poster
birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 23:40

CarmelaBrunella · 28/10/2025 23:38

How long have you been married? Has your husband never done anything nice for your birthday at all?.

That is a completely different thread. Yes, he has done, many times. But he's never organised a party and he wouldn't. That's just not something he could or would do and I wouldn't want to put that on him.

OP posts:
Kingsleadhat · 28/10/2025 23:40

I'd whittle the numbers down to what you can afford. My husband recently hosted a private dining birthday dinner for 12 which came to about £500. Initially he'd wanted twice that many but we couldn't afford it. It was a really lovely evening and everyone got a chance to talk to everyone because there weren't too many of us. Whatever you decide I hope you have a lovely time

CarmelaBrunella · 28/10/2025 23:41

birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 23:38

yes, we could. We have done that in the past.

I just wanted to have a party this year, on my actual birthday.

I know I sound like a pathetic 10 year old. But it's really hard to explain and I think really hard to understand unless your birthday is also on a shit day of the year.

Most years it isn't an issue. I just do nothing much/ go out with DH for a meal (although a lot of restaurants are closed). Sometimes we've been away. But this year, because it's a 'big' one, I wanted to do something special and have a big celebration on the actual day. For once.

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You're not pathetic, but you're certainly focussing on the "shit" day, and no-one can do anything about that.
You want a party, but the one that you want, you can't afford. Perhaps think how you can come to terms with the date of your birthday a bit more, and it won't be so negative?

ScreentimeInTheMeantime · 28/10/2025 23:45

CarmelaBrunella · 28/10/2025 23:25

Why didn't you pay for the food and get people to pay for their drinks?

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I’m trying to remember why we did it that way… (it was no cheaper for us than doing it the other way around, so it wasn’t that)

I think it was easier for the restaurant to have a set amount per person for food and an “open bar” than trying to work out who to charge i.e. when people are ordering lots of bottles of wine and rounds of drinks for the table and it’s not clear who’s drinking what.

I am surprised by how many people can afford to entirely pay for birthday meals for large groups, maybe partly because I live in London and eating out is really pricy. I expect to pay my way when I attend birthdays (and usually for the group to pay for the birthday girl or boy’s share) and am really grateful for any contribution at all by the person whose birthday it is!

BBKP · 28/10/2025 23:46

With that budget you could easily cover afternoon tea for 40 people.

BBKP · 28/10/2025 23:47

You could even hire a function room at a nice pub and put food on for everyone

CarmelaBrunella · 28/10/2025 23:48

ScreentimeInTheMeantime · 28/10/2025 23:45

I’m trying to remember why we did it that way… (it was no cheaper for us than doing it the other way around, so it wasn’t that)

I think it was easier for the restaurant to have a set amount per person for food and an “open bar” than trying to work out who to charge i.e. when people are ordering lots of bottles of wine and rounds of drinks for the table and it’s not clear who’s drinking what.

I am surprised by how many people can afford to entirely pay for birthday meals for large groups, maybe partly because I live in London and eating out is really pricy. I expect to pay my way when I attend birthdays (and usually for the group to pay for the birthday girl or boy’s share) and am really grateful for any contribution at all by the person whose birthday it is!

Show quote history

To be honest, not many people can. Other than a wedding, I've never attended a big party.
For birthdays, I've found people either host it at home or just go out with a few friends. A lunch for 40 at £50 a head would be beyond most people's budget. In fact the last wedding I went to was smaller and cheaper per head than that!

sunights · 28/10/2025 23:49

Hire a village hall and a band (that plays your favourite music) - then ask everyone to rock up with a dish for pot luck.

Original poster
birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 23:50

I actually don't think it would end up being 40 people (because I expect a lot of people couldn't make it given the date). Probably more like 25ish... But in any case, still too expensive I think

OP posts:
HonoraryScouser · 28/10/2025 23:51

Hmm, tricky. I'd usually expect to pay for my own meal at a birthday dinner, but that would be for somewhere with a few options. This sounds a bit more exclusive, so I'd say it's a bit different as people have to pay the flat amount. If you can't afford to pay for everyone, I'd say your two options are to keep this venue but only have a few guests (that you pay for), or have everyone but somewhere that is a bit cheaper and people can choose what they eat and drink (and pay for their own).

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/10/2025 23:52

Have an open house with a lovely catered buffet. Invite the 40, ask for rsvp's for catering planning, and just enjoy people dropping by.

WeightLossGoal2024 · 28/10/2025 23:53

You call it a “cosy” lunch but you are inviting 40 people. That does not sound cosy even if all your guests know each ither. £50 pp for lunch plus transport/hotel potentially is a large amount of money to people.

I would either work out if your budget is indeed £1500 and pay for a party, perhaps a brunch or buffet lunch. Alternatively have a gorgeous full calendar birthday celebrating your birthday with different people/smaller groups and be organised with the planning to diary match. Prepare to do a lot of the travelling to make it easier for others

Hardhats · 28/10/2025 23:53

For £1500 you’ll have to get creative. Maybe don’t just look at hotels/restaurants, perhaps see if you can rent an office space and decorate it for the day (it should surely be a blank canvas with a couple of desks). You could look into funding catering.

Alternative there might Airbnbs you can use? Generally you will have to disclose that you’re having a party though. But I can’t imagine one day would be anywhere near £1500 so you should still have money for food/drinks.

some restaurants might work with you but I doubt it would be at the rate of accommodating 40 people at £1500. Plus, not all 40 invited would attend. So perhaps refine the list more

Original poster
birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 23:54

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/10/2025 23:52

Have an open house with a lovely catered buffet. Invite the 40, ask for rsvp's for catering planning, and just enjoy people dropping by.

I don't really want to do it at home - I don't want to be setting up/ clearing up/ etc.

OP posts:
AutumnCosy2025 · 28/10/2025 23:54

birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 23:33

It is not valentines day!

Please, just say the date. It's not outing, millions will share it.

if you can afford £1.5k on lunch. Surely something is achievable. Maybe as it's such a lifelong dream you coukd stretch a bit more as a one off you'll always remember. ASK a lovely venue what the CAN do for your budget & work from there.