Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

Your birthday is in January

OP could you ask a few close friends for their views on the proposed cost? Hopefully they will tell you if £50 is too steep.

Also, how much do you and your friends tend to spend when you go out for lunches - I think that’s relevant, too?

I’d rather chip in to have a long boozy lunch where you’re contributing some of the wine (as you’re suggesting), than eat sandwiches in a village hall or attend a sober afternoon tea tbh.

But there is clearly a range of views on this!

I don't understand the coyness - there are thousands of people born every day. It's not remotely identifying.

Nope you need to do something you can afford. What my friends do is agree to take the birthday person out to a restaurant and we pay for ourselves and cover the birthday person. If I was to invite people to celebrate my birthday then as a host I would pay.

As long as you make it clear you don’t expect presents, and that is the cost upfront, I don’t see an issue. I don’t see why it’s any different to suggesting a night out at a particular restaurant with your friends at any other time. People can choose whether they attend, and it just has a more celebratory vibe than a normal evening out

Yes, but she's hosting a birthday lunch. That's difficult. You host, you pay.
It's not like her mates are saying "let's all go out for a meal on Janet's birthday".

A v close friend, who has been pushing me to commit to actually doing something this year, ok'ed the plan (we actually came up with it together). But I just don't feel comfortable asking people to contribute to this kind of celebration.

Yes, if I was saying 'I'm going out for lunch at X pub on my birthay, do come along' then I think it's ok to expect people to pay their share. But if I say 'I'm having a birthday lunch in the X Room at X hotel' then I don't think people expect to pay.

I don't want to do a thing in a village hall (they're all a bit depressing and it reminds me of hosting kids' birthday parties), don't want to do it at home, can't do an evening thing, don't want to do an afternoon 'tea'.

Anyway - thanks everyone. This thread is helping me narrow down my priorities and what I don't want to do. And making me realise that I do want to do something on the day to celebrate with more than just DH (again. I mean, I love him, but...)

Absolutely no way would I

In a restaurant, I chose what I eat and how much I spend. That makes it quite different, to me.

I really think you’re overthinking the “other people distance logistics” thing. I would put your money towards a v good buffet in a pub function room, basically somewhere where people can buy their own drinks. Invite people to the lunch. They can choose to come and stay if they want, or just drive for an hour or so, lunch with you and one of them drive back while the other has had a drink. We all went to a friends 25th wedding anniversary in similar circumstances recently. It was great. Everyone in the room all together chatting and eating for several hours.

Yes, I agree, that's quite different.

Because she crapped on about wanting it to be on "the day" "for once", like she was a sainted martyr for not having it on the day every year, and that irritated me.

Oh I see.

I've been to functions (not at the hosts home) where I've been asked if I'd be happy to make a contribution to top up what they could afford and happily paid an amount of my choice. I was asked well in advance so no surprise on the day. I think they canvassed a few people to gauge feelings and enough people said they'd be happy to pay a contribution. No set amount was specified though. It meant hosts could provide extra food and drink . It was a lovely party. I've no idea who paid or how much.

I wouldn't do it for everyone, depends on the friendship, financials, whether they're being CF or genuine.

If hosts can afford a good party but are too tight to pay, then I would decline the invitation.

It's cheeky and to be honest I wouldn't pay £50 pp for a meal anyway it's much too expensive.

So you have a meal with local friends on your birthday and arrange a night out in the city with a meal or other celebration another night where you and your DH get a night in a hotel. It’s really not that hard.

I had shit birthdays as a child, friends never remembered as it was always school holidays, weather crap, I was always sick, parents were shit, even as an adult nothing much has changed except now it’s my kids school holidays and the whole house is sick. I don’t martyr myself though, I make plans to celebrate on different days/evenings, most of the time people are skint, tired or sick but that’s fine, I say I’m doing this if you can make it great, if not I will enjoy myself anyway.

All my children also have birthdays during school holidays, they celebrate and have parties with friends during term time and usually same with family, it’s arranged when the majority are not away. I don’t think any celebration has ever actually fallen on an actual birthday. As long as they are celebrated and happy it dosnt matter what day it’s done on.

Its is a bit cheeky.As a host you should be offering your guest hospitality
For £50 pp a meal in a hotel isn't going to be anything special and drinks are going to be extortionate.
Have you considered hiring a room at say a sports club? You could get caterers in,Indian food is usually very affordable, and let your guests buy their own drinks. Perhaps organise a few fun activities/ games etc.

Been thinking about doing similar due to a birthday in the dead of winter. Does your sister usually do it the summer before or after?

40 people at a sit down lunch would surely be a bit rubbish anyway as for most of the time you’ll only get to talk to the people immediately around you. It would be closer to a wedding breakfast experience. I might be alone in this but I often think these can be quite dull as you’re forced to sit in one chair for all that time when you just want to be on your feet catching up with people.

For my husband’s last big birthday I threw a daytime party for him and we had people travelling from all over the UK. I hired the a function room in a nice country pub (‘function room’ may sound a bit naff but it really wasn’t, it was a lovely space) and did a buffet there. Started maybe 2pm. It was the absolute best day - everyone was milling around chatting with each other and there was a great atmosphere. It was a fraction of the cost of a sit down meal and so much more enjoyable.

I think you just need to tweak your vision, not throw it out entirely.

I can't think of the date you're birthday is on, but if it is truly a date when people are prioritising their family (en.g Xmas and possibly New Year). I personally would organise myself a spring or summer bash to celebrate my 40th year here. Much more of this is on your control, options for home / garden party, other locations which might need a bit of party decorating etc.

I just can't afford to eat out like this for fun for ME, never mind for a friend's birthday, so it would have to be a no from me.

This is bizarre - why is the date a big mysterious secret when it's information that would give helpful context??

Unless you have a very specific group of friends charging them 50 quid to come to your birthday is ludicrous. And if you do have the specific group of friends who can drop half a hundo on a random birthday, you would generally be the sort of person who can also afford to do it and pay for the whole thing outright as one should when hosting a lavish party. People do these kinds of things because they have the money to do them not because they "deserve" to have an event in their honour

Even more strangely - why do you think (because of the cursed date) people won't possibly want to do an evening thing but they'll instead be happy writing off the whole day and staying in a hotel? That's the sort of thing people do for long distance weddings for their nearest and dearest not a birthday they're having to pay to attend?

I find this whole thing very strange and suspect you will find yourself sorely disappointed as you seem to be holding extremely naive expectations

Do you live near a river or a canal? Hiring a boat for this type of thing, with catering and a dj, is good value and would be cosy.

Could you have two smaller events? One where you live and one in the place an hour away. That way you spread the celebration out and people will expect to pay for their own lunches if you phrase it right. You can have two weekends away.

Well yes, and if you don’t like the restaurant that is proposed, you don’t have to go. Depends whether you value spending an evening with friends or what you eat.