Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

Why do you need to have it on the date? I would always just celebrate my birthday and most convenient date as my husband and I work shift work so often one of on nights and birthdays.

you could celebrate it a week later and just have it in your house with drinks and nibbles

Oh wondering if I should be mortified - for a big birthday I organised a “do”. We asked people to pay for their meals and it was a set menu, but we paid for all the wine and drinks all night, and hired a band/DJ. I thought it was a nice thing to do i.e. buying lots of drinks (people drank A LOT) but reading here it seems like people think it’s tight not to buy everyone’s dinners, too!

It's not going to be cozy or lazy at a venue with 40 people?

a few ideas:

• hire a cute village hall and have an outside caterer do lunch, I bet you could get something lovely for that price esp in the off season for weddings.
• nice room above a pub, do Sunday lunch the next day? I think most people would expect to pay for themselves in that context - I would
• drinks Friday night and small lunch on with close friends and family on the day

My sister's birthday is the 27th December and she's always had this problem. In the past she's just had a summer party in June or July. It's always worked.

I wouldn't be contributing but I rarely attend birthday parties of adults and dont do anything on my own birthday unless relaxing with a movie and nice food counts 😂 birthdays are not a big deal to me at all apart from my youngest ds and adult dc.

Agreed with this. All the above is possible, even in a market town.

I mean “I'm having a birthday dinner in x pub if anyone would like to join us” is one thing, I’d expect to pay for my food and drink.

“I’m having a party in a private function room and your invited” is expect to pay for my own drinks at the bar but I’d expect food to be free to me. Especially if it’s a typical catering buffet.

Why didn't you pay for the food and get people to pay for their drinks?

I really want to know what this bad date is and why it holds such significance to be an awful time to have a party

Is the shite day you repeatedly keep going on about Valentines?
Regardless of the day, why not celebrate a different weekend if its so shite?

Blimey £50. That’s double what I’ve ever paid for lunch. My 50th last year cost about £85 for six of us including me. (Inclusive of free deserts cos of the special on that day)
Do what you can afford and what suits your options.

No. Way too expensive. I don’t pay that for my own birthday lunch.

OP, I feel you. I have the same problem every year. I’ve done two different things previously: a) delayed by a month or so, which resulted in cheaper venue options and b) delayed by 6 months and had a summer garden party instead. Both worked really well, and in neither case did I feel like I missed out by not having the celebration on my actual birthday because the outcome was way better than that would have been.

That is a Saturday in 2026…

I'm guessing it's early January?

Re. the suggestion of hiring a village hall, in my experience, village/community halls tend to be pretty cheap to hire. Some do have restrictions relating to parties, but a lunchtime event without loud music ought to be OK.

Otherwise, I'd go for a cheaper restaurant or invite fewer people.

Valentine's Day?

You can't throw yourself a birthday party at a venue and expect other people to pay for it. Either have a manageable number of people round to yours for food and drinks or do it on a less 'crap' day, whatever thats may look like in your head!

As a rule I wouldn't mind paying for a meal out even if someone had invited me. However £50 is way more than a decent meal out needs to cost. Either cover the full cost yourself or find somewhere that's more like £25-30 per head. Including drinks and any room charge

It's valentine's right?

Becuase this year, for the first time in pretty much my whole life it's possible to do it on my birthday. It's a Saturday.

My birthday has always been an after thought. My entire life. I can't tell you the number of depressing, non-event, half-forgotten birthdays I've had. Sometimes partly becuase I often can't be arsed to do anything given the date.

I can't host it at home - I don't have the space. It would be fine in the summer (we could use the garden), but not on my birthday.

I don't really want to do a village hall or something like that (sounds a bit depressing!)... I don't really want to do an evening thing/ drinks.

My 'dream' had been that all the people I love and care about, many of whom I rarely get to see these days, would get together for lunch somewhere really lovely where DH and I can then stay the night. Anyone who wants to can also stay the night and the next day we go on a lovely long walk after breakfast. Kind of like a country weekend type of thing, but I don't have a country house (or a country house budget) to host it.

Ok you want to invite 40 people for lunch and your budget is £1.5k. What about the church hall option and a buffet?
Or a restaurant which would ler you have a set lunch for less than £50 per head?

It’s Valentines Day - yes? I understand. Almost anyone in a relationship will be busy with their own obligations in the evening, and even if not or you go with single friends, all the dinner bookings are for couples or Valentine’s Day themes and it feels like an uphill battle to make it about your birthday. It’s easier to fight the trend at lunch on Valentine’s Day.

I agree it is a bit cheeky to ask people to pay, but I also love a long lunch with friends, and depending on the closeness of the friend and who else was going, I wouldn’t mind paying. If I wasn’t close, or didn’t know/like the others going, I’d decline.

I’d suggest scaling it back to the number of people you can afford to pay for, or, skip it this year and aim to save the amount to do it next year. In 2027 Valentine’s Day is on a Sunday - that might still work with a long lunch on the day?

Another alternative is to borrow to pay for it this year. I NEVER suggest borrowing or credit cards, but I do hear what you’ve said about always wanting this, not enjoying your birthday normally, and the stars aligning for it being on a Saturday. If you aren’t prone to doing this all the time, and this genuinely is a one-off, then I would consider extending myself to pay for it, as long as you were able to pay it off within the year.

Ok, yes - that is one idea. But I still need to do something on the actual day so that I don't feel sad/ depressed/ deflated (which is usually the case)

No. If you want to host a party, you need to pay for it.

Are you set on the hotel? I think a long, cozy lunch sounds like a pub thing to be honest, particularly in the depths of winter. Lots of nice pubs - i.e. not spit and sawdust - have function rooms, drinks and food packages, etc. For my 50th this is what I think I will do with a 'day disco' component. My birthday is at the end of February so I do sympathise with the time of year.