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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

628 replies

MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 18:22

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

OP posts:

Hellohelga · 27/10/2025 19:38

You should do the party with his parents on his actual birthday and the holiday with your parents on another weekend.

His parents will be very hurt, and if they didn’t know before that you (both/all) don’t like them much, they will after.

pizzaHeart · 27/10/2025 19:38

MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 18:31

As a couple and individually we get on better with my parents.

My husband would stop into my parents and have a chat with my dad, over going into his own parents, even when I'm away with work.

His parents are hard work, if I'm honest.

Show quote history

Going away for his birthday… you should have said no to your parents, it’s just not appropriate.
I understand all your arguments and I suspect your parents help you more with kids especially with your disabled child but from the outside it looks unnecessarily rude towards in laws.

MsSara · 27/10/2025 19:39

On my 50th I invited my MIL. We’re very close. I didn’t invite my mother. If she knew, she’d be hurt but after 5 decades, we just don’t have a relationship where I’d waste 2 weeks of my precious time with her. It is what it is.

StewkeyBlue · 27/10/2025 19:39

I would be very very hurt.

It’s just crass and thoughtless.

Best you can do now is invite them, and / or big up the party as the main celebration and you just happened to have arranged a weekend with your parents which happened to be his b’day, which is why the party as his celebration is the following weekend.

I dunno. Sometimes family is about being family warts and all and it seems incredibly harsh and rather selfish to exclude them in favour of your parents just because they aren’t so easy to be around.

cannynotsay · 27/10/2025 19:39

Oh this is awks

Ladymeade · 27/10/2025 19:40

Hindsight is wonderful but really you should have just gone on your own. They are his parents and on paper, it's a slap in the face for them not to be invited.

Meceme · 27/10/2025 19:40

I don't think the OP or her parents are 'a nasty bit of work' but I think it's possible to hurt people thoughtlessly.
Unless there is a huge backstory, celebrating a major milestone birthday without thought for the people who were there throughout the childhood is unkind.

ThisLuckyOpalShaker · 27/10/2025 19:43

Another OP who cant accept peoples opinion, why ask if you aren't going to listen to the advice? just wanted validation of your actions

lessglittermoremud · 27/10/2025 19:44

I would be gutted if either of my sons when grown went on holiday with his IL and didn’t think to invite me, but I hope that we’d never have the relationship that meant they wouldn’t want to spend time with me.
Im a big believer of reciprocating effort and time, only something I’ve really started doing since hitting 40. I used to put so much effort in, tried to pop into IL and my own family equally, make effort for birthdays etc even though it wasn’t appreciated by some.
Now I spend my energy and time on the relationships that bring me joy so if your IL are as unbearable as you say, than no I wouldn’t want to go with them on holiday either but it will have consequences…. If your DH is happy with what those consequences will be, then you should spend the time with those you wish to.

Sandcaaarstle · 27/10/2025 19:44

From what you say OP, it doesn’t sound like your PIL would even want to come.

Have a fabulous holiday and celebrate with them at the party. I don’t think you’re being rude or hurtful. You’ve just avoided a situation where your in-laws would have to make up an excuse as to why they don’t want to go with you.

pusspuss9 · 27/10/2025 19:44

BlueandPinkSwan · 27/10/2025 19:26

When do people grow out of this having to please everyone shit?

Thinking of others is what make the world a place worth living in....

Original poster

MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 19:46

Sunholidays · 27/10/2025 19:25

You sound very cold hearted OP, and so does your husband if he does not care about hurting his parents.

It all sounds awful.

Who will be looking after your disabled son when you're away?

I wrote in my opening post that our 2 kids will be there with us....

So myself and my husband will be looking after our son, like normal...

OP posts:

AndeanFlamingo · 27/10/2025 19:47

You're getting a lot of flack here but I'm in a similar position in that my husband gets on much better with my family than with his own so I can see how this situation could arise.

Duckyfondant · 27/10/2025 19:48

OP you've obviously touched a few nerves. I don't think what you've done is bad and your husband made his own decision. It's not like it's his first birthday, he's a grown adult.

5128gap · 27/10/2025 19:48

I've got two adult sons and I'd be very hurt that they were happy to go away with their in laws but not with me. I'd be amazed at any mother not being tbh. So if you genuinely don't want to hurt them I think you need to come up with a way of telling them that doesn't underscore the idea he prefers your folks to his own (if indeed this is really the case and he's just 'not that bothered' about any of them and is choosing the easy life). Say they invited you, rather than the other way round maybe?

briq · 27/10/2025 19:51

If the relationship between your DH and his parents is really that bad, maybe they shouldn't be surprised if/when they learn about this holiday they were excluded from. Perhaps it's their own fault that their son isn't closer to them, if they haven't made enough of an effort. However, putting myself in their shoes, I can't imagine not being hurt. Even if I wouldn't have wanted to go along, it would sting to know I wasn't invited to my own son's milestone birthday celebration holiday if his PILs were. They may never say anything about it, but they'd have to be very unusual and devoid of human feelings to not have some emotional response to this.

waitamo · 27/10/2025 19:51

Shit happens. Just change the flight dates and pretend your parents surprised you with it as a gift.

ItsameLuigi · 27/10/2025 19:53

thisishowloween · 27/10/2025 18:32

Maybe so, but by doing what you've done, you've basically given a big "fuck you" to his mum and dad.

Good luck dealing with the fallout.

Show quote history

This. I would have just booked a family holiday with yourselves and the children, then had the party with all the parents the week after. This looks like you've purposely excluded them (which you have, I don't know why you're pretending otherwise). Hope the conversation goes well with them.

DiscoBob · 27/10/2025 19:53

Well you shouldn't just not go due to the concern of them not liking it.

So just don't tell them and try and forget what they may or may not think about it.

FullLondonEye · 27/10/2025 19:53

Why are so many people acting like everyone has the same sort of relationship with their parents? I don't see how it's the OP's fault that her husband doesn't enjoy his parents' company. I spent years trying to encourage my husband to stay in contact with his mother but I can't force him to like her. She would always blame me though because that's far easier for her than any kind of self-reflection. She would definitely feel hurt by this situation but didn't even remember my husband, her son's birthday two weeks ago. Was too desperate to tell him about her latest holiday plans.

Different relationships come with different levels of closeness and it sounds like this part of the OP's family just aren't. If they were in regular, friendly contact this could get awkward but it doesn't sound like they are. Is this likely to be a significant part of conversation with your in laws or can you just skip over it and not make a big deal, @MickeyThunder ? Do you usually spend much time deiscussing your holidays with them? If it really isn't that close a relationship - and from your updates it doesn't sound like this is all one-sided - then they may not be that bothered.

swiftiestarfish · 27/10/2025 19:54

"For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL."

This is the default state of being a DIL or SIL, that you're not particularly close to your in-laws - they're not your parents so clearly you're not going to be as close. You can't really use that alone as an excuse for excluding them.

What surprises me most about this is not that you and your dh might both prefer a holiday with one set of parents or the other (very normal I think, people vary), but that your parents didn't have any pause for thought over being the only parents invited on this particular occasion, i.e. your dh's actual birthday. Unless they were assuming that something equally special was going to be happening with your ILs and only your ILs (not the party with everyone)?

You could actually do that too to try to make it a bit better, at least - say to the ILs that you'd really like to go out for a special 40th birthday dinner with them before or after your holiday, where your dh could treat his parents - dress it up as him really wanting to see them and a bit of a thank you for being his parents, sort of thing. Combine that with a few hints that your parents are helping with the holiday costs or doing childcare so they won't be actually doing lots of the fun stuff but will be 'on duty', and you might rescue this without some unnecessary hurt.

Although I get that you probably don't actually care that your ILs might feel hurt, because to you they are half strangers, and none of us really care that much about half-strangers if they aren't extra personable enough to make up for the fact that they're not family (which it sounds like your parents are, which is great for them).

Original poster

MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 19:55

pizzaHeart · 27/10/2025 19:38

Show quote history

Yes, my parents are more helpful with the kids, easy going people etc.

His parents normally just cause us more issues, his dad is passive aggressive, always making little jibs, they are lazy. When my husbands auntie was alive and we used to visit her, we would just get sarcastic jealous comments about us visiting her. Ridiculous.

OP posts:

828Pax · 27/10/2025 19:55

I think I'd find that very hurtful if I was them

summershere99 · 27/10/2025 19:56

Yes, I’d be hurt. I’m fairly sure you know they will be when they find out. Maybe they are difficult, I have a difficult dad so I know how tricky it can be. It will not make the relationship any easier. I just hope you don’t ‘blame’ them for their response to this and expect them to be fine with it and get annoyed with them if they’re not.

Umy15r03lcha1 · 27/10/2025 19:56

What's stopping his parents organising a celebration for their son's birthday? It's not up to the OP to organise their holiday. They're invited to the birthday party and husband isn't bothered his parents aren't going on holiday with them.

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