How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

you can still invite them along, I’d be very hurt if I was them

I'd probably be upset that my DS didn't feel close enough to me to invite me. I wouldn't be putting any of that on DIL unless it had been a surprise planned without DS's knowledge, which doesn't seem to be the case here.

I think it sounds like the relationship between you and your husband and his parents, is quite difficult. Yes they may be even more difficult because they weren't invited. But if your husband is prepared to face them and explain why they weren't invited, and accept any fallout then that's fine.

I can understand they'll be upset. Most people would. But if the relationship isn't there, it isn't there.

I was coming to say this. We get on well with both sets of parents but I cannot imagine either of them inviting themselvs along on a holiday.

I’d be upset to be excluded, but wouldn’t make a fuss about it- just have a weep in private. Imagine how your parents would feel if your husband excluded them from your birthday celebrations.

The quick fire answer is of course you should invite DH’s parents. But he’s not fussed about them, you’re not fussed about them, and they sound like a pair of fun sponges who will take the shine off the trip. Sod them. They can bring their money in a card to the party. Have a fab holiday.

I think you’re going to have to invite them - If like you say they are quite half arsed and relations aren’t great I imagine they will decline anyway !

I don’t blame you as much as other people on here do though - some PIL are just awful to be around and they bring it on themselves

I would expect them to be hurt by this. The fact that you are including your parents and not his, when it's their son's birthday is making it pretty obvious that your parent's company is favoured. Not saying you should invite them but expect them to be upset 🤷‍♀️

Aah, just flip the script and say that your parents did the inviting, and the birthday celebration will be when you get back. Simple.
They could have organised something, or suggested something, or invited him to something, and they did nowt, so I don't think they've got anything to whinge about.

I’d be so upset and feel like I’d been excluded.

I’d say they know op doesn’t really like them and if they wanted to go on holiday there would be an excuse.OP said in her first post -she’d rather not go if they went.Also I can guarantee if the parents brought a holiday up -they wouldn’t be able to afford it or take the time off work or the kids will have school.there will be another excuse because op doesn’t want to go with husbands parents..

I think people have a huge capacity to accidentally hurt their parents' feelings, and not feel bad about it sometimes until they're much much older and can start to put themselves in their parents shoes more (as their own children leave home).

So I'm not sure I'd think "oh well dh thinks it's OK and isn't bothered if we don't see his parents, and they're a bit difficult, so that's fine, we're not doing any harm". All those things can be true and you can still be hurting people more than they deserve.

I think I would definitely suggest offering up another event to make up for it, like the nice dinner, even if you're secretly thinking they don't deserve it and you still don't like them. If nothing else think of it as setting a good example for when your dd leaves home one day and possibly finds her new in-laws even more entertaining and easy going than you are.

You could soften the blow by not telling them it's for his birthday. Make it just a holiday with your parents. Maybe you could suck up one with them after for a couple of nights? Or just invite them this once since it's their son's birthday. I'm sure you can find ways to not let them affect you negatively.

We have this situation with my brother and his wife and it's....fine.
Her family are very close, spend every waking moment together, go on holidays together all the time etc. We're the cold, pass-agg ones.

It's fine. It's not for us (my family and my parents), they're happy, we're happy for them to get on with it. Pretty sure they went away for his 40th too. We just said "have a nice time".

It doesn't sound like his parents will care tbh, crack on!

That’s brutal of you. I’d be so sad if I were your MIL. How would you feel if it were your son? Seems weird your parents asking, but no one thinking of your ILs. 😔

So you can’t provide the relevant comparisons. Thought not.

I would be very hurt if one of my sons did this.

You’re getting a hard time here, but I understand how it’s all come about and why you don’t particularly want the in-laws to join you. I’d feel the same.

However, it is going to be a bit hurtful to them so I think a little white lie is in order. Can you just casually mention much nearer the time that you’ve decided to gatecrash your parents holiday?

Plus they might be passive aggressive because they know the op doesn't like them.
They know you prefer your parents.
So they probably shy away to stop themselves getting hurt.

Advice following a report to MN is ignore you.

I will be.

I'd be pretty hurt and upset that it was my sons birthday and DIL organised for her parents to go on his birthday holiday but not even asked his parents

it works both ways - adult children also need to take an interest in their parents lives.

My late husband's ex lost her partner, so I took her to hospital for a procedure - I felt sorry for her.

Afterwards, I took her for lunch (because she'd been nil by mouth since the night before) and she told me that she was going away for her (and my husband's) granddaughter's 18th for the weekend, with her daughter.

"Oh, that's lovely," I replied - thinking how nice that they were going on a girls' multigenerational weekend with the bereaved ex.

When the pics went up on social media, there was the ex, the daughter, the granddaughter... the daughter's best friend, the son, the son's partner. (We later found out that the son didn't know that his dad hadn't been invited.)

It was such a slap in the face.

This.
I would be unbelievably hurt. I wouldn't say anything because I wouldn't want to make you hate me any more than you apparently already do.

Hhhmmm. You shouldn’t have invited your parents and not his tbh. I went away for my 40th but it was just me, DH and my dds.

I think they’re going to be very hurt and quite rightly so. You finding them hard work doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t want to go on holiday with their son and grandkids.

this is the situation you have created. It’s up to you where you want to go with it from here. But this sort of thing could change the relationship you have with your in-laws for ever.