How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

I would be very hurt, it was a very thoughtless unkind thing to do. How will you feel when karma catches up with you. It also seems rather spiteful but perhas you are for not seeing how unkind you were

Why when booking your husband’s 40th holiday, was your automatic response to invite your own parents? Why wouldn’t you want to go away with your husband alone, or some good friends? I find it odd that you immediately jumped to wanting your mum and dad there.

You sound very cold hearted OP, and so does your husband if he does not care about hurting his parents.

It all sounds awful.

Who will be looking after your disabled son when you're away?

this is the exact situation happening in my family next year with my brothers 40th.i don’t mind and I probably wouldn’t go but it would be nice to be asked and I know my mother will be hurt but won’t say anything.they always go away with her family,multiple times a year but it hurts when they are going with her family for my brothers 40th.my parents would do anything for them but she just prefers her family and that’s fair enough.i also think my brother is to blame too because he goes along with it.i have two boys and i am so conscious of this happening to me when they have children.just remember they raised the man you married and you should put yourself in his mothers shoes.

When do people grow out of this having to please everyone shit?

Then your dp is a nasty piece of work and so are you for allowing him to behave so badly

Of course, examples of how relationships play out is relevant.

You are in the minority given other posters responses.

Brazen it out. Sounds like you’ve made 💯 % the right decision..special 40th it is. You can video call and they can come to the party it's fine. They haven't behaved well enough for a holiday invite

This is pretty awful and will likely blow up your relationship with your in-laws. I'd be highly pissed off if I were them.

Is that what you're trying to do?

If this happened in my family, my parents would ask that the in-laws were invited out of courtesy.

I’d be very upset if I were your MIL. Seems very insensitive to not even consider whether they’d like to join you to celebrate their son’s significant birthday.

Dh gets on much better with my parents than his own and I could see us doing something like this. In fact he's actively said he hasn't wanted them at certain celebrations. It's not because I'm manipulative and controlling, it's because they were.

Doubt it.

What has OP said that has described anything related to your brother's situation? Please do quote the specifics.

'How relationships play out' is 100% vague and that's all it is.

Again – please do point out the direct comparisons from from OP has said.

It's like you can't imagine awful parents, maybe try

Why have you posted to ask if yabu if you’re clearly not interested and are just going to double down. I’d be very hurt to be excluded. We do a lot with my family but my husbands family are always invited to things and made to feel welcome. They just prefer not to travel. They are home birds which is fine but I’d hate for them to feel unwanted especially if the event was for their own son. Seems nasty to me.

I get on well with my DIL-and I’d be very upset if they did this. I’d see it as putting two fingers up at us tbh. Unless they are really nasty people who your dh doesn’t want to see. I’m amazed your dh didn’t think this was a mean thing to do.

I think you’re ok Op. Ypu haven’t done anything wrong. Your DH obviously doesn’t want to go on holiday with his Parents as he doesn’t get on with them. Who wants to go on holiday with someone you don’t get on with - it would be my idea of hell.
Just go and don’t even mention it to them. They’ll be none the wiser.

One thing is to try and please everybody and another is to hurt close family members when it could easily be avoided by booking the trip two weeks earlier or later.

However, hopefully, I'd be savvy enough to reflect upon why I had not been invited.

The is exactly the point. You don't know the reason , so you tear yourself to pieces trying to figure out what you've done so badly that you've been excluded.
I think the OP, DH and parents have behaved appallingly
.

Who knows, the OP didn't say there were any particular issues of contact between grandparent/grandchild.

Are the children at the 40th party? Will the children see any other family members/family friends before the party?

Quite difficult to make this a secret and then be together at the party...even worse for his parents if it comes out then.

I think it makes a difference that this is a milestone birthday. If it was his 37th I don't think it would be such a big deal.

If you both get on better with your family I can see why you would hang out with them more and holiday with them more, but I suppose there are some things that, if you're inviting people, everyone should be invited to and I think milestone birthdays come under that.

Infact just re-read your post id actually be ashamed if you were my daughter you seem like a very nasty individual but obviously you were not brought up properly as an apple never falls far from the tree (your parents never remarked how odd this is) Yes 90% of responses have said your a nasty piece of work but you still defend your behaviour- why did you come on here you are obviously not going to change anything about yourself or your behaviour. Your in-laws probably will not be surprised & im glad i don’t have you as a daughter in law. Try seeing thing from other people’s point of view it’s not hard it’s called being kind

Who are you? This is not even your thread.

I have said, other posters have appreciated my response.

It is irrelevant that you don't.

Let's move on.

Charming.

I don't "allow" a man in his 50s to do anything, he has agency.

His parents didn't build relationships with their adult children, don't visit, don't ring, have never even seen our house (not for lack of invitation, it's apparently 'a bit far') - nor their other son's house, come to think of it.

It was all me ringing up, taking the grandchildren over several times a year, sending photos, messaging to ask about health issues etc.

Parents who don't put in the legwork to sustain relationships end up sidelining themselves. I make an effort with my adult children. I've seen what the alternative looks like.

That doesn’t lessen the hurt towards them though does it OP.
It’s careless and thoughtless of you and doesn’t help make things better with them at all.
Your relationship happens to be easy with your oarents but not so easy with his, therefore you …and especially your husband, have to put more effort in with his. A don’t care attitude doesn’t really cut it.
I would change the dates if you possibly can so that it doesn’t look like they are deliberately excluded from their own son’s celebration.