How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

The woman birthed him.

Numerous people have told the OP she is being inappropriate and hurtful. If you are as close to your parents as you say it is easily remedied but either inviting DHs parents along or saying to your parents that, on second thought, you have realised it is a snub to your in laws and would they mind bowing out. The fact the OP has chosen to repeatedly defend her position is telling - this has been done on purpose to make a point.

Why not just be honest and admit thet you 'conveniently forgot' your PIL because you didn't want them? That is really shitty behaviour. How would you feel if they arranged a holiday for his 40th and 'forgot' to include you? I hope you feel proud of yourself and no matter how you try and reconcile in your own mind you know you really did it on purpose.

This makes me wonder exactly what happened: "The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along."

It seems that the DH acquiesced, but either the OP or her parents orchestrated this. Did the OP suggest a holiday including her parents, or did her parents butt in?

Can your DH position it (to his parents) as your parents being CFs and just inviting themselves along to what was meant to be just you two and the DC? It's an off-white lie, but there are no obvious perfect solutions here.

I’d be very sad. Frankly it’s bizarre you didn’t think of it at the time.

Where did she say that? 🤔 Is that your bar for who you don’t fancy spending your holiday over your 40th birthday with? 😂

Her third post: "His parents are hard work, if I'm honest."

If we go to his parents, he wants to leave within the hour! We have even been there before and his dad didn't even come in from the garden to say hello to us or our kids!! Insanely rude, We left after 40 minutes that time.

You should have put this bit in the original post.

Some posters obviously have no idea what it’s like to have parents you only want to spend a a very limited amount of time.

I wouldn’t want to travel with my own parents and in-laws because mine would drive me crazy and DH’s would drive him crazy. My own would be arguing about stupid things, complaining to me about each other and it is embarrassing and exhausting to the point I’ve walked off from them when they start arguing and I would be mortified of this happening on my birthday trip and in front of my in-laws. My in-laws “banter” about each other and it’s just uncomfortable. DH can deal with it for a few days but honestly he heads off to the gym for a few hours to get away from them when they stay with us.

That just seems deliberately mean. Does he not like his parents either? (Because it seems clear that you don't.

I'd be really hurt. And then I would likely take the hint, consider myself told how I wasn't seen as part of the family and act accordingly.

My lovely relaxed parents are perfectly happy when we go on holiday with the in-laws, they don’t feel left out. They’re just happy for us. We have my son‘s fourth birthday at my in-laws and my dad and mum were just happy for us. No one was jealous.

How do you know, @KindnessIsKey123 ?

My daughters believed that I was relaxed and "just happy for them" on a couple of occasions. Because I did exactly what mumsnetters want/expect parents to do, and I put a brave face on it and didn't guilt them or show my disappointment. It comes with the territory of being a parent to adults, but of course, if we lie effectively, our unselfishness is never recognised or acknowledged. And potentially means they'll continue to make those decisions that hurt "because mum'll be fine with it"

PP said “Are you genuinely saying they are the latter?”, i.e. abusive/toxic.

OP, it's your husband, his birthday, your holiday, your kids, do what you want. As someone who's raised a disabled child I know what that takes - and apparently your in-laws don't. God knows why people are trying to make out that you're some kind of mean cow.

If PiLs kick off just tell them that you wanted your husband to be happy and as they don't make him happy they're not invited.

Yes that's pretty shitty behaviour. Bin off your parents - bit weird tbh - and just go yourselves.

My husband's DIL and Son IL both confessed that they found his ex a bit overwhelming. The DIL used the expression "jealous and controlling" to describe her after my DH died. However, neither dared to say anything to their partners, DH's son and daughter. In fact, the "jealous and controlling" comment was made over the phone while the son was in the shower. As soon as she heard him coming out of the bathroom, the topic of conversation was changed.

They always stayed with the ex whenever they came to visit. (Whichever partner she had at the time would move in with her for the duration of the visit.)

One time, to my DH's great joy, the SIL asked whether he and the daughter might stay with us on the next visit. The daughter seemed pleased about it.

We got everything ready - new bedding, etc, prepared a welcome meal. They were a no show.

DH phoned his ex, worried that there might have been an accident. "Oh, they're here!"

His daughter took the phone. Once her mother had left the room: "Mum thought that we were staying with her and I couldn't hurt her feelings."

We never got an apology and the DH's SIL said not a word about it. I bit my tongue so as not to rock the boat.

I know - I thought that she was looking for clarification.

100% agree.

If it reaches that stage, surely it's the husband's job to say that?

Three guesses who the favourite grandparents are...Why is it always the parents of the woman who are favoured?

The fact is that they are DH’s parents, nothing was stopping him inviting them.

If you had planned it as a surprise he didn’t know about, and you had not invited them that might be different but this is something you have discussed together and planned. Its not your responsibility to persuade your DH to invite them, its his to invite if he wants them there.

Not everyone has that kind of relationship with their parents and even where they do - they may not ask them on holiday. My DH was close to his parents but they would never have joined a trip like this, they preferred holidaying with just them or having us to visit them. Everyone is different.

I have both DiLs and SiLs, I don’t hold any of them responsible for the successes or failings of my own DC or for my relationship with my own DC.

Really nasty, do you really have no concept of how this could be hurtful to his parents?!

If you had bothered to read all OP's mosts, you would know that OP's son won't be getting married:

'but our son has a severe disability and he will never leave home.'

Why don’t you just not go away with any of the parents and enjoy time as a couple. That would avoid any drama! Term your parents you will holiday with them next year so it it’s a 40th holiday - just a holiday

Maybe because the son’s parents blame the daughter in law whenever they don’t like any joint decisions made by the couple rather than acknowledging their precious son’s equal part in it?

Yes you need to invite them, or uninvite your own parents. thats so hurtful.

I say this as someone who constantly avoids my in laws as they're hard work, and in my view a little bit controlling, but I wouldn't exclude them from their own sons birthday 🫠