Page 18 | How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

imfabul0us · 28/10/2025 11:07

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 27/10/2025 18:28

That’s really shitty behaviour.

This absolutely

Ladymeade · 28/10/2025 11:44

SplishSplash123 · 28/10/2025 03:50

I'm always pretty shocked at the number of people who think adults must always keep their parents and in-laws happy.

No one would say you have to bring a friend on a trip if you don't get on, why is it any different just because you're related?

Frankly, this attitude of always needing to keep parents happy is what perpetuates so many parents behaving in a rubbish manner because there's never any consequences for them (see also threads about not leaving parents out at Christmas).

Had to respond to your post as it so resonated with me.. 100% agree.

sittingonabeach · 28/10/2025 12:20

I totally get not always having to keep parents happy, especially if they are difficult, but in this instance surely common diplomacy would be you don’t have your own parents on this holiday. Doesn’t mean OP and her DH can never go on holiday with just her parents and not his, but on his milestone birthday it just feels mean to take your parents and ignore his

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 28/10/2025 12:53

Pistachiocake · 27/10/2025 23:02

My mum always said this! She said never be with a man who doesn't value his parents, because if anything like illness etc ever happens to you, or your children, he's likely to walk. She said always invite your in-laws to everything, from wedding planning to meals, and remember they're just as much your kids grandparents as she is, and you shouldn't just be nice for free babysitting/inheritance (obviously if his parents are abusive, that's a different situation, but in that case I guess they'd not be invited to parties etc).
If one parent is just "hard work", I'd speak honestly about the issue, "So FIL, we want to go to X, but we know you hate the sun, don't like to eat after 2pm and like to swear at anyone who comes near you before noon. If this trip is not appealing for you, we respect if you would rather not join us and we will plan an alternate celebration, but if you want to come, you're very welcome, as long as you can modify these things. Would that be something you'd like to discuss?"

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I think this is true in theory, and agree with the first part of your post - about men who DGAF about their own parents/family, not being the sort you should settle with. And also that his parents are as important as hers. Some women (as has been said) act like their parents - the maternal grandparents (if they have kids) are superior to the his parents - the paternal grandparents. No wonder some women worry if they have a boy. They worry they will be pushed out when he meets a woman later in life.

But frankly, in most cases, telling someone that they must modify their behaviour/the way they are, if they want to take part in a certain thing, will be a waste of time.. (Moreso men.)

I have had words in the past with certain men several times - with certain things they say/the way they act sometimes (won't go into it what,) and they do NOT like it. Basically, no-one likes being told to do, and the older people get, the less they like it.

And most of them will NOT change, or 'modify' their behaviour or language. Men especially, seem to see it as their right to say what they want, and use whatever terminology they want, and it's their right as it's a free country, and if people don't like it they're 'snowflakes.' I find this typically in middle aged - and older men.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 28/10/2025 12:53

@BarbarasRhabarberba · Yesterday 22:56

Also it doesn’t sound like OP’s parents and her husband’s parents have ever met. Why would they want to go on holiday with each other when they’re strangers?

I can't imagine any scenario or any world, where a married man and woman's parents have never met. I have never known this in real life. Maybe they wouldn't have met often, but they would have met a handful of times at least. I mean, were they not all at the wedding?

(This is assuming they are all still alive obviously! ^)

!

SJM1988 · 28/10/2025 13:03

I'd say it would be your DH's fault if his parents are upset or put out. HE should have thought about inviting them not you if he wanted them there. He could have at any point before you booked the flights said 'hang on - I'll check with my parents too'

I'm so grateful my in laws live the other side of the world sometimes so we don't have to deal with these potential dramas all the time.

SuperSue77 · 28/10/2025 13:44

FullLondonEye · 28/10/2025 09:33

I don't recall it ever being incontrovertibly established as fact that this is what happens. I know it's what mothers in law SAY happens and it is no doubt true in some cases. My own mother in law says it and I assume she believes it. However what she doesn't realise is the only reason she has had any relationship at all with her two sons for the last few years is because I and my brother in law's wife have ensured it.

None of her children like her, nor do her own parents, brother etc. My husband is in regular contact with her parents, his grandparents, and they find it reassuring to be able to bond over their latest awful phonecall with her - not in a nasty way, they're all so sad about it and would love it if it weren't so but she has brought this 100% upon herself. The first few years with my husband I thought his sisters were really mean to hate their mother so much, I thought she was very badly treated by them. But of course they knew her better and I learnt the hard way, in time. My husband and his brother and sisters would be happier never, ever to see her again. His brother's wife and I completely understand why but in order to make sure they won't regret it later on we make sure we leave the door open - just minimally because having exposed our children to her we've realised that for them to have any relationship with her would be a mistake, but we don't let things go to the point of 'no contact'. Until recently anyway, as brother in law and his wife have now split up so the chances are he will never contact his mother again unless I ensure it and why should I take on that responsibility?

She sees none of this and tells other people a completely different story.

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Completely agree - being a parent doesn't give you a God-given right to do everything with your adult children - your behaviour is what determines the role they want you to play in their lives - and I suspect this is why OP's in-laws won't be invited.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 28/10/2025 14:16

I wouldn't feel left out as I have my own life.

Ratracerunner · 28/10/2025 14:30

Yes I'd be upset to not have been considered but I also understand that they might not be your cup of tea/awkward in their behaviours. Sometimes it's easy to ignore in-laws whereas you would put the effort in for your own parents.. Have you made efforts with them over the years? I find that daughters automatically lean towards their own parents (mother in particular ) and the sons parents can be left out. This is also completely understandable although it can be very hurtful. Ultimately you will do what is best for your family but try and be fair in your treatment.

Coffeeblanketandabookplz · 28/10/2025 14:45

I wouldn't have invited my own parents if my DHs weren't invited and I'm not even close to my MIL - its her sons birthday, it would be different if it was yours and you had your parents but not inlaws but the fact you are all celebrating his birthday without his parents is weird in my view.

What do your parents think? I'm shocked your husband doesn't see an issue, even if they aren't close or involved they are still his parents and deserve included or at least invited.

HappyAsASandboy · 28/10/2025 14:52

I would be really upset. I’d wonder what I’d done to upset you so much you excluded me.

Is there a way to add them to your booking? If so, I’d invite them now and not mention that you’d already booked. Maybe they won’t want to come?!

Lisajane47 · 28/10/2025 15:16

I would tell them or invite them, they will make it a awful holiday, then that will be your next post on here 😉

Createausername1970 · 28/10/2025 15:21

Awkward, but if it comes up in conversation can you frame it that it was your parents idea, they wanted to do it? You don't have to go into too much detail about who is paying for what.

Your parents can do something nice for the both of you without including his parents.

Twatterati · 28/10/2025 15:31

pusspuss9 · 27/10/2025 19:13

Unless there is a huge back story the lack of respect shown towards his parents reflects really badly on you, your husband and your parents.

This is so true. I think it reflects especially badly on OP's parents, as they should have immediately noticed and said something.

Yeah, I’m wondering if the OPs parents are a bit controlling. They’ve invited themselves on a holiday and are completely unconcerned that it might upset their son in law’s parents.

It’s the fact that it’s a holiday ON his 40th that they’ve muscled in on with no regard for HIS family.

OP obviously knows they’ll be upset or bothered otherwise she wouldn’t have come here looking for allies!

I expect if it was the other way around OPs parents would have a very different view.

phoenixrosehere · 28/10/2025 15:36

I wouldn’t think anything about you.

Your DH is an adult so if he wanted his parents there for his birthday, he would/should have said so or suggested before you book things.

Always annoys me how many parents want to place the onus or blame the other spouse for what their adult children did or did not do as if they’re not adults who can make their own decisions.

Surely, most parents know what their adult children are like. If they wouldn’t think of you or not bothered, why is it on their spouse to make them do it? Sounds like parents who want their children’s spouses to parent them.

AtomicPumpkin · 28/10/2025 15:40

Why shouldn't you go away with people you like rather than people you don't like?

BarbarasRhabarberba · 28/10/2025 16:07

Coffeeblanketandabookplz · 28/10/2025 14:45

I wouldn't have invited my own parents if my DHs weren't invited and I'm not even close to my MIL - its her sons birthday, it would be different if it was yours and you had your parents but not inlaws but the fact you are all celebrating his birthday without his parents is weird in my view.

What do your parents think? I'm shocked your husband doesn't see an issue, even if they aren't close or involved they are still his parents and deserve included or at least invited.

Why would he think it’s an issue when he isn’t close to and doesn’t seem to like his parents?

Simplelobsterhat · 28/10/2025 18:01

OlivePeer · 28/10/2025 09:11

Ok yes, I can understand that. A lot of people seem to think it's bad that the parents in law might realise that they're not as liked as the other parents in general, as though they have nothing to do with that, which I think is a bit unfair.

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But the Ops post was a question about how you would feel if you were the in laws, so I think that's why I and most others have focussed on their feelings.

Tuesdayschild50 · 28/10/2025 18:21

Yeah I'd feel left out but I do get on with my sons partners so I don't think I'd be left out.. if I was I'd be hurt.

Andrea87 · 28/10/2025 18:28

So when it’s your 40 th birthday you will invite your in laws to come on holiday with you but but your parents?

Blueblell · 28/10/2025 18:29

To be honest I would not tell them you are taking your parents and just arrange something with the ils when you get back. I don’t think it’s that big a deal.

CocoRats · 28/10/2025 18:37

I wouldn’t be cross at you, I would be cross at your husband.

It’s not a surprise holiday that he has no knowledge of. He knows that he is going away for his birthday and he knows that your parents are going and his aren’t. At almost 40 he is perfectly able to communicate with his parents if he wants them to join him on the holiday.

don’t understand why it’s always the daughter in laws fault when the sons are perfectly capable! Poor men!

JuniperKeats · 28/10/2025 18:43

MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 18:22

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

I would be extremely upset, but would hide it
think about 5he birthdays of your children, they are significant days for you, you should have included them

Teenytwo · 28/10/2025 18:49

If they are upset they can plan something themselves. Don’t waste your life with people you don’t want to be around. You’ve said it yourself you wouldn’t want to go with them.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 28/10/2025 18:51

YANBU.
I don't understand why you should have to go on holiday with people you don't like or get on with - just because they are family? Why would you put yourself through that?
I can just imagine the OP posting when she's on holiday with the PILs up to their usual tricks and all the replies being along the lines of

Why did you invite them if you don't get on?
Set your boundaries next time - it's your holiday.

There's nothing to stop DHs parents from organising something.