How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

If you were my DIL… hmm. I’d be less bothered about anything you had done and more concerned that my own son didn’t invite me on the holiday, didn’t want me on the holiday.
I don’t think this has to be on you OP, it’s his birthday, his parents, if he wants your parents there and not his, that’s an issue between them.

Sounds like my FIL OP. It wouldn’t have crossed our minds to invite him, we’re all closer to my side of the family. DH pops in to see my parents without me. I have to remind him to call his dad.

It is what it is. I’d be gutted in their shoes, but I would also never let my relationship with my children follow in the same footsteps they have.

Well of course you prefer your own parents over your in laws, that is hardly a surprise.

They may be hard work or you don’t like them AS MUCH as your parents but they don’t seem abusive or toxic as I am sure you would have mentioned that, so yes it is incredibly hurtful to take your parents and not them on their sons birthday trip.

You are going to create some very hurtful feelings and strained relations going forwards.

Because she (and her husband and parents) didn't actually consider the PIL at all. They just merrily arranged a holiday they wanted and then went "oops, this might look bad" then spent lots of time coming up with reasons the PILs deserved to be excluded.

Now the PIL might be awful or they might just be different to the OPs parents (maybe less easy, demonstrative, quieter or maybe they feel pushed out by the OP and her parents) but they managed to bring up the man the OP loves so they can't be all bad.

Yes they are likely to be hurt and not considering this is mean.

I think you know you’ve been really nasty excluding them otherwise you wouldn’t have given it a second thought and made a post about it.
Invite them.

If you know you're a difficult person to be around, does it occur to you that people might not look forward to spending time with you, or do you think they should anyway? If so, why? (This isn't rhetorical - people on here really seem to believe that the PILs are difficult people, but that it's wrong of their son and DIL not to want to see them, and to prefer her parents who they both get along with. Why is this?)

Yes, but the OP could have written this post very differently. If she had said

’DH has booked a holiday for his birthday and included my parents as they said they’d like to come. He hasn’t asked his, will they be upset’

that would be different
but she has booked it
she has said she wouldn’t want to go if they were going
she has said they are hard work
she has asked what they would think if she was our DIL

in her post, she has taken full responsibility for this.

she says her husband ‘doesn’t mind’ and ‘is fine with it’ but that’s not the same.

i’m judging him too, but he hasn’t started the thread.

I'm not saying this is the case here at all, but that last point isn't necessarily true - I know people who are wonderful in spite of their parents not because of them, who have deliberately looked at the lessons they were taught and the environment their parents created and rejected them, especially after having their own children.

But about the main point - maybe they didn't even think of the PILs because they don't get on with them? I just don't see how acknowledging that someone is difficult and acting accordingly is worse than being so difficult in the first place that people wouldn't want to invite you. The PILs could do some reflection.

It's in the eye of the beholder isn't it? I think most "difficult" people would not consider themselves to be at all. They may consider OP and her parents to be pushy and rude. All totally subjective and why its always worth trying to see things from another's perspective (unless actually abusive).

I have a situation like this in my family (not me).

The DIL just doesn’t like the in-laws. They are not abusive or toxic and bend over backwards. Admittedly the probably can be annoying at times. They’re just not her type.

She makes things incredibly easy to spend time with her family (holidays, days out) and incredibly difficult to spend time with ILs to the point where I would say deliberately sabotages it. Her husband is caught in the middle and doesn’t want to upset her or his DM. He should be more forceful about his wishes but he is not. The MIL is incredibly hurt but so scared of not seeing them at all she takes what she can get.

This might not be what’s happening here but the tone of the posts suggests it might be.

We can choose who we spend time with, don’t have to like everyone but when we marry into a family there is a certain element of sucking it up. We see my FIL every week. Would I choose to? No. But I do for the sake of my DH and his relationship.

wholeheartedly disagree. Nobody is obliged to spend time with anyone they don’t want to, yes, including family. The only person responsible for the relationship with the in laws is DH and if he isn’t bothered about them being there and isn’t close to them then it’s a non-issue.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

Oh yeah of course it's only just hit you 🙄

Yep absolutely this. Funny how the MIL are always SO terrible. Yet the DIL are practically perfect in every way.

I wholeheartedly disagree. Yes the DH is responsible for his relationship, but that is dependent on his partner to some extent.

‘my DH is responsible for his relationship so takes the kids to visit every Sunday morning’

’I’m responsible for my relationship with my parents so invite them round for the evening, get them to babysit and they come on holiday with us. My DH doesn’t mind’

I’m not saying that’s what’s happening here but in a partnership, it’s essential that one partner facilitates and doesn’t hinder the relationships of the other within mutually agreed boundaries.

Exactly. It reminds me of 19th century novels with all the long, awkward obligatory visits to and from unpleasant family members. Whenever I read those I'm so grateful that life isn't like that now - but it seems like lots of people still want it to be.

Well the mothers in law who are on here putting this all on the daughter in law and saying how awful she is without having anything to say about the fact that this is the son's plan as well are showing me why mothers on law are often considered terrible. The ones who have pointed out that it's not all on the daughter in law to make sure her husband likes his parents are the ones with some self-awareness who are likely to be much better mothers in law who are appreciated by their daughters in law. Hope that helps.

I don’t think this and I don’t think most people do, I just think that it’s tactless to go away with her parents for their son’s milestone birthday. If they don’t want to spend much time with his parents generally that’s different.

Ok yes, I can understand that. A lot of people seem to think it's bad that the parents in law might realise that they're not as liked as the other parents in general, as though they have nothing to do with that, which I think is a bit unfair.

I think it is pertinent that many dils seem to engineer a physical and social distance from their in- laws. They make it difficult for their dhs to see their parents - not forbidding but “Oh, Finley’s got a party that day” “No, we’re having Sue and Peter to dinner” “Oh, I think Freya’s starting a temperature” etc etc and I suppose husbands just give up.

It’s not a ban, but an insidious creep and since a lot of men seem rather pliable or want a quiet life then the dil’s family triumphs.

A cautionary tale: when bil left sil, one of his reasons was that she had done her utmost to make sure his mother was eliminated from their lives.

This is definitely what happens in our family situation.

often they will spend the day at her parents then ‘call in’ to his parents late afternoon/early evening when the kids are exhausted, then leave early because the kids are grumpy and miserable. They have days out with one set of cousins but ‘are busy’ when something is suggested with the other set. It reinforces to the kids too that one set of grandparents is more fun than the other.

I don't recall it ever being incontrovertibly established as fact that this is what happens. I know it's what mothers in law SAY happens and it is no doubt true in some cases. My own mother in law says it and I assume she believes it. However what she doesn't realise is the only reason she has had any relationship at all with her two sons for the last few years is because I and my brother in law's wife have ensured it.

None of her children like her, nor do her own parents, brother etc. My husband is in regular contact with her parents, his grandparents, and they find it reassuring to be able to bond over their latest awful phonecall with her - not in a nasty way, they're all so sad about it and would love it if it weren't so but she has brought this 100% upon herself. The first few years with my husband I thought his sisters were really mean to hate their mother so much, I thought she was very badly treated by them. But of course they knew her better and I learnt the hard way, in time. My husband and his brother and sisters would be happier never, ever to see her again. His brother's wife and I completely understand why but in order to make sure they won't regret it later on we make sure we leave the door open - just minimally because having exposed our children to her we've realised that for them to have any relationship with her would be a mistake, but we don't let things go to the point of 'no contact'. Until recently anyway, as brother in law and his wife have now split up so the chances are he will never contact his mother again unless I ensure it and why should I take on that responsibility?

She sees none of this and tells other people a completely different story.

It hasn’t just hit you. It’s deliberate.

I’d be very hurt and would assume that you were deliberately trying to distance your husband from his family. As you say,
“There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest!”

Whilst this may not be the intention, you come across as both manipulative and unpleasant.

You sound pretty smug about it actually. I think you sound like a horrible DIL and I’m glad I have a nice one .

Obviously