How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

If I had an issue it would be with my son not my DIL.

I think most people view their own parents more importantly than their in-laws.

My dh is 50 this year, I don’t have the best relationship with mil and she’s not someone I’d want to go on holiday with.

There’s no way I’d do this though. It doesn’t look anything other than a deliberate snub to his parents. I’d feel like a bit of a brat to say I’m not going to go on his own bday break if his own family are there, while expecting mine to welcomed.

I’d actually not be ok with my husbands family coming on my bday break while mine are excluded. I’m from a family with lots of divorces and remarriages and lots of weird blending though and know how easy it is for one to feel snubbed and left out and then kick off massive family rifts and I’d rather it just be me and dh and peace and quiet.

Haven’t RTFT but I’d rather spend a milestone birthday with my PILs than with my parents. PILs are better company.

So just go with what your DH wants to do on his birthday.

While I don't blame you both for wanting to go on holiday with your parents instead of his, you have all gone about this in an incredibly thoughtless and hurtful way.

I think the only possible way to retrieve this now is to tell his parents that your parents invited you on holiday one night and when you said that sounded nice, they went ahead and booked it without thinking too hard about the date.

They didn't realise at the time that it would be over your husband's 40th birthday. So, as the booking was non-refundable, you are having a party when you get back, to which of course everyone is invited because, in your mind, that is the real birthday celebration.

If you were my DIL how would I feel -
Hurt

Perhaps the actual PIL wont care but from the way you've written your opening post it was all just by chance but then you add that if they were to come you wouldn't want to go, which is fine you don't have to like/love them etc but be honest about it you didn't want them to go

All of the above!

How anyone fancies or respects them is beyond me ☹️.

I'd tell a little white lie, & say that your parents had already booked/were about to book a holiday away for themselves over that date, but when they realised it was your husband's birthday then as well, they suggested you all join them?

Just seen that @WaryHiker had the same idea. I think that would avoid hurt feelings. Though I do understand why some people can prefer in-laws to their own family!

Going away on holiday with your parents-no problem. To celebrate DHs 40th … naw no need for that. Yes they’ll be upset- anyone would be.

If you never do stuff with them for your birthdays, maybe they won't mind?

You know them best. Everyone's relationship with their parents is different. My most recent ex-MIL would have been staggered if we had invited her to such a thing, and would not have even contemplated attending. Whether or not my parents were going would have made no difference to her.

I don't think the answers on here will be very helpful as we don't know the people concerned.

Not your question, but is your husband genuinely happy your parents are coming on his birthday treat? Lovely as I am sure they are, would be not prefer it to be just you guys?

I have a friend who is very close to her parents and always invites them to stuff she and her husband do. He is an easy-going man so rarely raises any concerns, and if he ever does she is pretty condemnatory of his attitude so he backs down. They don't have the same level of relationship with his parents and she just says "oh, he is not as close to them". But I met them and they seemed lovely actually, and I had the impression he was actually more himself around his own DPS than his in-laws (as one would probably expect.....)

So, the people who actually created your DH in order for him to be celebrating said 40th birthday haven't been invited on this trip but YOUR parents have? Hmm... OK.

I’d be really hurt OP. But you don’t seem
as if you’d be bothered by that.

I'm always pretty shocked at the number of people who think adults must always keep their parents and in-laws happy.

No one would say you have to bring a friend on a trip if you don't get on, why is it any different just because you're related?

Frankly, this attitude of always needing to keep parents happy is what perpetuates so many parents behaving in a rubbish manner because there's never any consequences for them (see also threads about not leaving parents out at Christmas).

A lot of these responses are shocking, blaming a woman for her husband not being close to his family.

He's a grown man and capable of having whatever level of relationship with his parents that he chooses.

He didn't complain.
He didn't ask his parents.
He didn't mention his parents.
He is a grown man.

I'm assuming that OP's children will be coming on the holiday and that her parents will help care for him.

As OP has said that her PILs show no interest in their son or his family, I very much doubt that OP will be expecting them to look after her son while they are away.

So did your parents Invite themselves when it came up?

I'd be devestated but I am very close to my sons and their lovely partners. They are always inviting me to stuff ( we live 2 hours away) and we go as often as we can. They come visit for the weekend regularly too. I'm trying to put myself in the situation. My oldest who recently turned 30 and sent out an invite. I replied "maybe" and he was straight on the phone . I was laughing when I answered "Kidding you dear wouldn't miss it for the world." His fiancees parents live interstate so couldn't come but were also of course invited. It's families isn't it. Everybody has one person that they'd rather not spend every day with but for special occasions you all get together and celebrate.
I do notice that a disproportionately large percentage of horrible women appear to have sons apparently. Though I also see a lot of women who can't stand their own mum. Abuse aside , it's a foreign world to me.

I’d be extremely hurt. It would help a bit if I and DH were invited for a special birthday meal before you go, and the holiday was mentioned as a break you were planning anyway which happened to coincide with the birthday.

I'd be very hurt because their son has made their preference clear. And that may blame you for that because the in laws always get blamed!

I totally understand why you and he don't want to holiday with them, but as this is a holiday for his birthday, I think you should have just struck to you and the kids if you didn't want to invite his parents. If you want to holiday with your parents, you could have done it for your or their birthday or when it wasn't a special occasion.

Also, shocked at your parents just inviting themselves along like that - it seems rude and makes me wonder if they are as 'easy' as you think. Would your DH have felt he could say know if he wanted to maintain the positive relationship?

However, it's done now, but you and dh need to accept whatever feelings your in laws have about it.

Ask yourself this question!

"How would I feel, if I was the mother in law, in this situation"?

That should hopefully give you the answer you are looking for.

This thread is very confusing to me. Being liked (and having people want to spend time with you) is not an automatic right. Why is it on the DIL to berate herself for being mean, and not on the PILs to do some self-reflection?

Edit: in this thread and in general, "you sound like you don't like them" is posted as some kind of gotcha or judgement on the OP. We are allowed not to like people, it's not a moral failing.

Exactly. It's absolutely fine to spend more time with one set of parents than the other. It's fine to move house nearer to one set. Heck, it'd be fine to move in together with one set of parents and not the other. It's fine, in general, to go on holiday with only the one set of DPs.

What makes this situation different is the fact it's the DH's landmark birthday. If you didn't want to invite his DPs it was one occasion for your own to NOT invite themselves to, or for you to say you were just going as a couple with your own kids. Such a lack of consideration.

I absolutely agree you don't need to invite both to everything, we tend to see both sides separately most of the time. But the issue is it's their son's birthday, so usually you would assume if only one side is invited, it would be his side not the in laws, and by not doing that it makes his preferences clear.

So if I put myself in his parents shoes, it's not about expecting to be invited, it's more about hurt that this may well make them realise he likes his in laws more than his parents. Wouldn't most people be hurt by that?

Tell the MIL and FIL that your parents have paid for your DH as his birthday present.