How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

Although I also agree with posts saying your parents are weird to have invited themselves, I can’t think of any scenario I’d want my parents or PILs to join my partner and I on holiday when it could be just us.

I think it's kind of mean, really. He is their son. You really should have some kind of a do that they. can at least attend.
It feels awful that they didn't even come into either of your minds. Sorry but it does.

Yes I would be pissed. We always invited both sets of parents or none at all.

Yup. That's what happened to my husband when he didn't get an invite for his grandchild's 18th weekend. I'm fairly sure that his daughter simply didn't want to make accommodation for his disability.

The son (who was there with his partner) only found out after the event that his dad hadn't been invited.

What? On their last visit to her husband’s parents, OP’s father in law couldn’t even be bothered to come in from the garden to see them. Why would and should they be the only ones making the effort?

Reverse post or more likely now cue slow drip feed where OP reading responses she doesn’t like, will now up the anti to steer posters back in her direction.
Cue horrific tales of poor treatment by PIL’s to the OP and if that doesn’t cut it by page 8, terrible tales of DH’s childhood.

yawn

It not at all clear exactly how all the planning went down but again, my issue isn’t with that. It’s the way so many posters who do know that her husband is in on this are so happy to lump it all on her, particularly when the prevailing attitude at Mumsnet seems to be that daughters in law shouldn’t have to deal with their in laws because that’s the husband/son’s duty. I’m struggling with the cognitive dissonance.

Also it doesn’t sound like OP’s parents and her husband’s parents have ever met. Why would they want to go on holiday with each other when they’re strangers?

I hate my mother in law but I wouldn’t do that to her.

What about his mother?

if there is an appetite to build a better relationship with the husband’s parents, someone will need to take the initiative to put the extra effort in to repair things. That’s all I’m suggesting.

I also think when husband’s parents are much older and/or no longer around then OP and husband will look back and regret this episode.

My mum always said this! She said never be with a man who doesn't value his parents, because if anything like illness etc ever happens to you, or your children, he's likely to walk. She said always invite your in-laws to everything, from wedding planning to meals, and remember they're just as much your kids grandparents as she is, and you shouldn't just be nice for free babysitting/inheritance (obviously if his parents are abusive, that's a different situation, but in that case I guess they'd not be invited to parties etc).
If one parent is just "hard work", I'd speak honestly about the issue, "So FIL, we want to go to X, but we know you hate the sun, don't like to eat after 2pm and like to swear at anyone who comes near you before noon. If this trip is not appealing for you, we respect if you would rather not join us and we will plan an alternate celebration, but if you want to come, you're very welcome, as long as you can modify these things. Would that be something you'd like to discuss?"

Very thoughtless and insensitive OP
They will have every right to be upset and feel deceived

Eh, I think it’s fine. DH is a grown man, he’s chosen who he wants to spend his birthday with. If it’s not his own parents maybe they should think about why that might be. My own parents make my birthday unpleasant, so I desperately try to avoid them.

Honestly can’t believe how many people say they’d be devastated and furious. You all need to grow up.

Yes Yabu, and I say this as someone in a similar situation. My husband gets on much better with my parents than his own and would rather spend time with them. We have regularly been on holiday with my parents but not his.

HOWEVER I would never arrange a holiday to celebrate my husband’s milestone birthday and include my parents but not his. That just seems incredibly mean to his parents, whether it was intentional or not.

In fairness I don't think this is an entirely uncommon dynamic.

My own parents were far closer to my mum's parents and did far more with them if not almost all things.

I tried so bloody hard with my MIL to make her feel equal, included and needed. She repaid me with very poor behaviour (she has a lot of undiagnosed issues and made my life hell for a while ) the more I gave, the bigger advantage she took of me. Every 'in' was an opportunity to meddle, cause problems and seek control of my DH and attempt it with my children.

She's kept at a measured distance now. Once upon a time I'd have broke my back to include her (despite all the trouble it potentially bought) now if my parents invite us for a holiday etc I don't think twice and put my own desires first. Mil had her chance and proved her intentions towards me and my family were not good. She dropped her own DGC like a hot brick once she couldn't split me and my DH onto opposing teams or manipulate them.

So I guess conclusionally: depends on the type on in laws you have. If they're "normal" - yes , it is a bit off. He's their son and two unrelated (by blood) people are invited along and his own parents aren't. But if they're toxic then no, do your own thing.

I mean, yeah they are. But as I said, I don’t see how you can do one without the other for that type of occasion? Unless you do something separate with them and make them more interested in that than the other thing?

No response is going to be relevant your situation, because people’s responses are going to be driven by their own relationships with their parents and parents in law.

I’d never invite myself along to my son’s birthday getaway, nor would I invite either set of parents, despite their being no relationship issues. But I’m not you! And my parents/in-laws aren’t yours!

If be so upset. I'd put a brave face on it (I hope) but jeeze, what a kick in in the teeth.

Of course this is one of the threads where an OP starts off with 'just not having thought about it' and then with every post, digs up another reason why the in-laws don't deserve to be asked, presumably to build up her case when she's had a landslide of people telling her that she's unreasonable.

Genuinely, why would you (and so many others) expect to be invited just because the other parents are? Especially if you don’t know the other parents? I’m fully on OP’s side here I cannot fathom why so many people have this mentality that you can’t do something with one set of parents without including the other. Why not?

I would be hurt.

But my ds & his dp would never do that.

Why do all these selfish husbands have parents who are hard work, but get on great with their in-laws.
I hope their children find them hard work too. After all, they've provided the blueprint...

No, that's not the mentality. This is a particular situation where the holiday is a celebration for a milestone birthday. It's bizarre to include the parents-in-law but not the actual parents.

Indeed -it’s Shitty husbands taking the POLAR Express
(Path Of Least Arguments ‘n’ Resistance) and (while it suits them ) acquiescing to their spoilt wives.

These are usually the same men-

-See also Disney dad when they break from their wives and become the non resident parent

-See also the EOW dad who quickly finds a new partner for the wife-work at the same time as a cycling hobby that takes up all weekend when he has the kids

-See also ‘second family new dad’ who forgets about his first family

My Nan always told me to ‘’judge a man by how he treats his mother -especially if she’s an awkward old bint like your great nan was’’

I have two sons and I’d be pretty disappointed if they decide to go on holidays with his wife’s parents to celebrate my son’s birthday without telling me. You don’t have to be close to his parents to tell them your plans. I hope when the time comes I have a DIL that will like/love to have me around and vice versa.