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Original poster

How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

628 replies

MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 18:22

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

OP posts:
outofofficeagain · 27/10/2025 21:58

FullLondonEye · 27/10/2025 21:55

Surely OP and her husband ran through that door? Not just her? But again she’s the one getting fingers pointed at her 🤷‍♀️.

Show quote history

Because the OP framed it very much about her.

she booked it, she’s only just thought about his parents, asked how we would feel about DIL.

Then listed ways she’s not close to them.

She makes it sound as if DH is just along for the ride.

“i’m worried DH hasn’t invited his parents” may have got different responses

cherish123 · 27/10/2025 21:59

I think it's quite selfish and insensitive. Your parents should have known better.

ChillBarrog · 27/10/2025 22:00

Whatdoyouthink7893 · 27/10/2025 21:37

Inviting yours and not his is mean. It’s his birthday. You asked if it was crappy, we all said yes, and instead of listening, you’re still compiling a highlight reel of how awful his parents are. Don’t ask if you don’t want to hear it, you just didn’t get the validation you ordered. If they’re so awful and lazy and don’t care about thier sons birthday they wouldn’t want to come anyway, so no harm in asking… ???

You know it’s mean, you just wanted a hall pass.

We didn't all say yes. You dont have to invite people you don't get on with because you're doing something with people you do get on with.

That's not not how life works. You don't get invites just because of your role, if the actual relationship isn't there

Diarygirlqueen · 27/10/2025 22:02

I understand liking your parents more, its the same in my family. My parents are so much more relaxed and easy going, however, i really think you're both wrong in inviting your parents on the holiday.
It's really unkind and at the end of the day, that's their son.
I feel really sorry for them. I would hate my daughter in law to do this, unnecessarily cruel.

MrsMitford3 · 27/10/2025 22:05

I think it's sad really-they are your DH's parents and your children's grandparents.

It's very telling that it was all booked before you even thought of his parents.

it's a bit shit but you already know that don't you?

Mummypie21 · 27/10/2025 22:05

I don't think it's OP's fault as it would be up to her DH to say he wanted his parents to come along. My PIL are always trying to arrange holidays/events with us and we do go along. However, next year they wanted to do something with me (without DH, who couldn't get time off) so I said I wanted to invite my mum along too - which they were fine with.

I get on with my in-laws and chat to them more than my DH does. He might think I prefer his parents to my mum because they are needy so I spend a lot of time with them. However, if I had to choose (hand on heart), it would always be my mum.

CloudPop · 27/10/2025 22:08

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 27/10/2025 18:29

"thoroughly irked"

Show quote history

😂

sittingonabeach · 27/10/2025 22:12

@MickeyThunder your parents are a bit odd too, why invite yourself to SIL’s birthday holiday, and ignoring the fact that none of his extended family are going? Fine to go on a holiday another part of the year.

I can’t imagine if DS’s partner was having a milestone birthday and they were going on holiday to celebrate it that I would think to invite myself over his partner’s parents

outerspacepotato · 27/10/2025 22:13

Really, really rude to invite your parents and not his.

There's no way they will take this as anything but fuck you because that's what it is.

You're starting something that's going to end very badly.

Ryvitaancheese · 27/10/2025 22:13

My Mum was a much more hands on GP and very in tune with us all whereas my MIL was a very efficient unemotional lady …but despite that I would never have excluded her from any family celebration and certainly wouldn’t have arranged a holiday with my Mum to celebrate my MIL sons big birthday! It’s as simple as that 🤷‍♀️
Grandfathers were both dead before husband and I met so not in the equation!

TiggyTomCat · 27/10/2025 22:18

At the end of the day his Mum was the one who gave birth to him 40 years ago...how do you think she will feel?

somenerves · 27/10/2025 22:18

God I’m glad I’m not your husband, having my in laws muscle in on my birthday trip! Can’t imagine my mum or in laws doing that… seems so tone deaf and intrusive!

Cymbalsimba · 27/10/2025 22:19

sittingonabeach · 27/10/2025 22:12

@MickeyThunder your parents are a bit odd too, why invite yourself to SIL’s birthday holiday, and ignoring the fact that none of his extended family are going? Fine to go on a holiday another part of the year.

I can’t imagine if DS’s partner was having a milestone birthday and they were going on holiday to celebrate it that I would think to invite myself over his partner’s parents

Good point - i think if they had some
tact they wouldn’t invite themselves on their son in laws 40th?

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 27/10/2025 22:19

Naws · 27/10/2025 18:28

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

That was convenient considering you've said you wouldn't want to go if they did.

And yes, they're very likely to be upset at the thought of you and your parents celebrating their son's 40th, without so much as a single thought towards them.

This. ^ It sounds like you knew what you were doing @MickeyThunder and you never had - or have - any intention of your parents-in-law coming on the trip.

I would be very upset and pissed off if I were them, and I am surprised your husband is partaking in this. I would never go on any big birthday holiday trip that my DH had arranged for me, with him and his parents, with mine being left out. Quite cruel and insensitive. You know it is and I can't believe you even have to ask.

Your subsequent posts seem to diss them more and more, and you seem to care about their feelings less and less. And for that reason, I maintain that you knew what you were doing. I would love to be a fly on the wall to see the fallout from this.

TheUsualChaos · 27/10/2025 22:26

Think you just have to accept that if you don't invite them then that might be the end of both or your relationship with them. As sounds like they are the sort of people to hold that grudge forever. Having said that also doesn't sound like either of you would be that fussed anyway.

Or you invite them and just hope they say no.

Pippa99999 · 27/10/2025 22:31

It all sounds a bit of a mess. Your parents shouldn’t have invited themselves - it put you and your husband massively on the spot (he could hardly have said no in front of you and them).

It’s only 4 nights - you need to suck it up and invite his parents. There’s a fair chance they may say no anyway.

I find this whole situation hard to fathom given that my parents get on so well with my partners parents (they will happily socialise together without us there). Either invite all, or invite none (and then go away with your parents separately at a later date). There definitely seems to be some rose-tinted bias towards your own parents - you and your husband need to invest more time with his family.

ladyrushford · 27/10/2025 22:33

I mean, I don’t think you can invite one set of parents without the other, or at least make sure you do something later that includes your husband’s parents at a later date?

it’s tough - maybe what they don’t know won’t hurt them?

FullLondonEye · 27/10/2025 22:37

outofofficeagain · 27/10/2025 21:58

Because the OP framed it very much about her.

she booked it, she’s only just thought about his parents, asked how we would feel about DIL.

Then listed ways she’s not close to them.

She makes it sound as if DH is just along for the ride.

“i’m worried DH hasn’t invited his parents” may have got different responses

Show quote history

But the previous paragraph in the post I referenced was about OP and her husband both doing it, a joint enterprise, but the last, concluding paragraph states that the OP ran through that open door without blinking. Not that they did, that she did - despite already acknowledging that both were involved. So why are the consequences all on her? Do you not see where I’m coming from here?

There are so many sneery posts on Mumsnet when the subject of ‘wife work’ comes up. So many women who claim they wouldn’t dream of organising cards, presents, visits etc. for their in laws because their husbands are perfectly capable of dealing with their own family. Where are they all now? Why is this one so overwhelmingly on the OP and not the husband who should be perfectly capable of maintaining his relationship with his own parents?

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 27/10/2025 22:39

ladyrushford · 27/10/2025 22:33

I mean, I don’t think you can invite one set of parents without the other, or at least make sure you do something later that includes your husband’s parents at a later date?

it’s tough - maybe what they don’t know won’t hurt them?

There's no way they won't find out. I'm sure the OP will post the photos of the trip all over social media to make sure they know about it.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 27/10/2025 22:40

I think you’re getting a hard time OP. My partner and I get on fine with both sets of parents and if this was us going away with one set over the other - yes, even over a birthday - I can’t imagine either set of parents would give a shit or say anything beyond “cool, have a nice time and see you when you’re back”. Why do you need to include all of them just because one set is included? Even more so if your husband doesn’t even like his parents! In which case, it’s a complete non issue.

caringcarer · 27/10/2025 22:41

How would you feel OP if your DC grew up and invited their partners parents but left you and your DH out on their special birthdays? I think you should invite both sets of parents or none tbh.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 27/10/2025 22:42

Pippa99999 · 27/10/2025 22:31

It all sounds a bit of a mess. Your parents shouldn’t have invited themselves - it put you and your husband massively on the spot (he could hardly have said no in front of you and them).

It’s only 4 nights - you need to suck it up and invite his parents. There’s a fair chance they may say no anyway.

I find this whole situation hard to fathom given that my parents get on so well with my partners parents (they will happily socialise together without us there). Either invite all, or invite none (and then go away with your parents separately at a later date). There definitely seems to be some rose-tinted bias towards your own parents - you and your husband need to invest more time with his family.

Why do they? Her husband isn’t close to them, he doesn’t appear to be bothered by that and from what OP has said, neither are they. Not everyone likes their parents!

outofofficeagain · 27/10/2025 22:44

FullLondonEye · 27/10/2025 22:37

But the previous paragraph in the post I referenced was about OP and her husband both doing it, a joint enterprise, but the last, concluding paragraph states that the OP ran through that open door without blinking. Not that they did, that she did - despite already acknowledging that both were involved. So why are the consequences all on her? Do you not see where I’m coming from here?

There are so many sneery posts on Mumsnet when the subject of ‘wife work’ comes up. So many women who claim they wouldn’t dream of organising cards, presents, visits etc. for their in laws because their husbands are perfectly capable of dealing with their own family. Where are they all now? Why is this one so overwhelmingly on the OP and not the husband who should be perfectly capable of maintaining his relationship with his own parents?

Show quote history

Because the OP makes out as if she took DH’s ‘yes great’ and then went ahead and booked it. I have no idea - did she double check DH was fine with it or did she take his polite agreement as all that was needed.

she hasn’t written the OP like her DH has been very involved.

WearyAuldWumman · 27/10/2025 22:45

ladyrushford · 27/10/2025 22:33

I mean, I don’t think you can invite one set of parents without the other, or at least make sure you do something later that includes your husband’s parents at a later date?

it’s tough - maybe what they don’t know won’t hurt them?

They're bound to find out.

It will never be forgiven.

NSA2103 · 27/10/2025 22:45

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 27/10/2025 18:28

That’s really shitty behaviour.

This.