How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

[MickeyThunder]

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

Just organise something separate for your DH and his parents to balance things out.

You could go away with your parents any time. It doesn't have to be on your husband's 40th. You could have gone without them for that. Seems unkind and purposely creating upset.

It's great that he's considerate.
I like my MIL, DH loves her but without prompting he'd forget to call her or buy gifts.

Not necessarily. I dont get on with my mil as though well intentioned she struggles to control her anger at times. Shes still very much in DHs life and to a lesser degree (but still present) in mine.

How would you feel if YOUR DIL/SIL did this to you in a few decades?

As me, I wouldn't give a dime about it. As a standard Brithish MIL that likes to celebrate big birthdays, specially My Family ones. I would be fuming and would find it extremely rude and even I wouldn't tell you about it I will seek a way to pay that kindness back sooner or later.

It could be “on them” but not necessarily. It’s making assumptions to say that.

This sort of thing doesn't usually bother me, but if my DS went away with his partner and her parents on his birthday, I'd be very put out.

I’m a bit confused - this holiday is not a surprise event, @MickeyThunder‘s husband knows about, it has been planned together and he was there and agreed when the plan for her parents to join was made.

So why are ao many people who say they’d be hurt putting it at her door only? Saying they’d think she was awful and would see her differently? Why wouldn’t you all lay any of the blame on the precious man who was 50% of this? Why is she such a bad daughter in law but he’s not a bad son? This doesn’t make any sense to me 🤷‍♀️.

I think I’m starting to understand why so many Mumsnetters are apparently very hard on mothers in law.

I think it’s fine (say it was your parents idea) but make a big fuss of inviting them as extra special guests to his party the weekend after.

It's done now

You'll just have to deal with the fall-out (if any)

Ps let his dad make a speech?

Inviting yours and not his is mean. It’s his birthday. You asked if it was crappy, we all said yes, and instead of listening, you’re still compiling a highlight reel of how awful his parents are. Don’t ask if you don’t want to hear it, you just didn’t get the validation you ordered. If they’re so awful and lazy and don’t care about thier sons birthday they wouldn’t want to come anyway, so no harm in asking… ???

You know it’s mean, you just wanted a hall pass.

I get why you'd rather they weren't there. It's up to your DH who he spends his birthday with. Maybe go out for lunch separately with his parents.

The OP specifically asked what people would think about this if she was their DIL.

I agree - but I think there is a difference between discussing it during an evening and getting swept away (saying ‘yes, love you to come along’ etc) and then going ahead and booking it.

OP and her DH should have considered his parents before booking, and could have gone back to her parents and said ‘thinking about it, can we change date/invite PIL’

but OP ran through that open door without blinking, which I think is why she is asking whether she’ll get the blame.

I think they’re both thoughtless and he’s the worst of the two because it’s his parents. OP’s parents are insensitive for inviting themselves. As someone else said you could go away with your parents at a different time.

beyond irked ?

I would be upset and hurt tbh - this is shitty behaviour, and you know it is or you wouldn’t have asked.

I don't have a DIL, but I think that if I did, while I'd be most hurt if my son did this without setting up something separate with us for balance, I would still also feel hurt by my DIL's role. I'd have been hoping that we had a relationship with each other that meant some consideration in both directions, not one where the DIL wouldn't bother to hide that she either didn't like me or was completely indifferent to the possibility of hurting me. My son having possibly hurt me more wouldn't stop the the DIL's role from being a bit hurtful too.

Yes, I know what and why she asked and its those people whose responses I’m wondering about.

I can't imagine inviting myself and DH along to a holiday my DD and SIL were planning for his birthday. It would be completely obvious to me it would be hurtful to his parents if they were not also coming.

And I would hope my son would care about trying to avoid hurting any future ILs feelings too.

Surely OP and her husband ran through that door? Not just her? But again she’s the one getting fingers pointed at her 🤷‍♀️.

Not a nice thing to do.
Quite shitty.