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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you feel about this if I was your DIL?

628 replies

MickeyThunder · 27/10/2025 18:22

It’s my husband’s 40th next year, and we’ve been talking about booking a holiday to celebrate. The idea came up in front of my parents, and they said they’d love to come along. My husband was fine with that, so I went ahead today and booked flights for a 4-night break. It’ll be me, my husband, our two kids and my parents.

It’s only just hit me that we/I haven’t mentioned it to my husband’s parents or invited them, and I’m wondering if they might be upset when they find out...

There’s no plan to invite them, Id rather not go if they did to be honest! (and my husband isn’t bothered at all about them being there), but I’m just not sure if we’ll get any backlash or if they will be really hurt.

For context, we get on much better with my parents. They’re very easy-going, and my husband would definitely agree. My FIL, on the other hand, can be quite difficult, and I’m not particularly close to him or my MIL.

OP posts:

FluentOP · 27/10/2025 20:35

If I was his mum I would book a holiday on my birthday and just invite his siblings.

Newname71 · 27/10/2025 20:35

Ally886 · 27/10/2025 19:15

People are so weak these days. Putting up with in laws because they're in laws is such a load of rubbish.

My fil once said to my daughter "little girls should not draw attention to themselves" and when I pulled him up he said "no woman should disagree with me".

I said to my husband I can either tear him a new arsehole to the point he will never speak to us again or we would make the decision to never see him again.

OP You're on this planet once, do what makes you happy and don't put up with those that being your family down just because they're your in laws

My FIL was the same. Rude obnoxious man. He really liked me when he first het me but then went off me rapidly when he realised I wouldn’t let him talk to me like shit!

OlivePeer · 27/10/2025 20:35

People who are difficult to be around shouldn't be surprised if people don't want to spend time with them. They can't have it both ways.

ChangeOfNameAujourdhui · 27/10/2025 20:36

People who are calling OP nasty are completely missing the point - some people, regardless of their connection with you, are just not very good company or not very pleasant to be around. Do you have to force yourself to be in their company over and above what would be considered an appropriate amount? (e.g-once a week visit or something along those lines). Just because people are offended does not make them right. Your husband‘s parents have not invested in close family relationships and they are reaping what they have sown.

I think you just need to make sure that your husband shares the news about the holiday in as tactful a way as possible. He might suggest having some extra time with them. Make sure u don’t rub it in when you’re away on holiday-for example, on his birthday, get him to do a FaceTime to his parents without your parents present.

If his parents seem upset, I would genuinely apologise to them for any hurt.

some of the reactions on this thread are verging on hysteria. The OP is not proposing

Superhansrantowindsor · 27/10/2025 20:36

That’s mean. I don’ t think I’m a great DIL but even I wouldn’t do that.

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 27/10/2025 20:36

You and your DH ANBU to want to spend your holiday with whomever you want -life isn’t a rehearsal and i thjnk it’s silly to dis-invite your parents because your PIL are not invited - but both you and your DH have to be ok with upsetting them.

What I can’t get my head around is having such strong feelings towards your parents in law that you wouldn’t go on holiday if they were also going, but then at the same time caring enough about how they will take it to make a mumsnet thread about it. You’re either ok with upsetting your PIL deeply (which is a real possibility) or you’re not. If the latter is true then maybe you need to reconsider what you decide to do. As many others have said I think your DH needs to make the decision and if it is that he doesn’t want his parents to be there on his birthday then he needs to relay that to them.

justasking111 · 27/10/2025 20:37

My DIL often invites her mum on family holidays. She's divorced has had various boyfriends. It's a bit tactless, but they're very close.

SarzWix · 27/10/2025 20:40

Also, to give some examples of why I think this is fine: my eldest DNB has purposely gone away on every significant birthday so far - 18, 21, 30 - because they're uncomfortable being the centre of attention. I haven't been upset about it, they live how they want to live, and their birthday is supposed to be about them, not me.
And, DS has been on holiday a few times with his soon-to-be in-laws, but hasn't been with us since he went to uni nearly a decade ago. Doesn't bother me none, and it wouldn't if he went on his birthday, because they're definitely more 'fun' in the way he is, than I am. I'm more about reading and going to museums than messing in the pool and drinking too much. And that's absolutely fine too, I'm mighty relieved to be left out of those sort of holidays.

ChangeOfNameAujourdhui · 27/10/2025 20:41

People who are calling OP nasty are really OTT- some family members, regardless of their relationship to you, are just not very good company or not very pleasant to be around. Do you have to force yourself to be in their company over and above what would be considered an appropriate amount? (e.g-once a week visit or something along those lines). Just because people are offended does not make them right. Your husband‘s parents have not invested in close family relationships and they are reaping what they have sown.

If his parents seem upset, ur husband shd genuinely apologise to them for any hurt.

bevm72yellow · 27/10/2025 20:43

Sounds completely thoughtless like they are an " add-on". A good way to destroy any connection you may have with them in the future. In honesty, they probably never try to cause offence or say very little to affect your husband's relationship with you. Maybe they lead a different life and different values but really you have kicked them as has your husband. So leave him to do the dirty work of telling them the plans that you have made. I say all of this as a daughter in law.

LadeOde · 27/10/2025 20:45

@OP everything is 'shut and closed'. You have furnished us with every reason why you don't need to invite them. They're rubbish, there's little contact between you all, you NEVER celebrate birthdays together, even DH prefers your parents, if they do come it will cause issues, when you visit fil doesn't even bother to come in from the garden, they wouldn't have planned anything themselves because they are lazy, your parents and them don't speak. So your conscience should be clear, what did you start this thread for?

DottieMoon · 27/10/2025 20:46

A very shitty thing to do

outofofficeagain · 27/10/2025 20:46

But there’s a difference between going on holiday with one set of parents, which would be fine, compared to deliberately choosing a (short) holiday over your DH’s 40th birthday and deliberately excluding his parents but including yours.

You don’t have to do this. But you’re determined to and don’t seem to think there’s any issue so I’m slightly baffled why you started this thread.

MrsCarson · 27/10/2025 20:47

I'd be very hurt, but not say a thing. It would affect my opinion of you going forward.
You messed up big time, talk to your parents, it's all parents invited or none.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 27/10/2025 20:48

This is very hurtful. And saying you just get on better with your own parents than his really isn’t good enough in this situation. Unless they’re actually toxic, you should include them in plans for his birthday. You’ve messed up pretty badly I think.

OneDaringLurker · 27/10/2025 20:49

If MY sons wife did that on HIS birthday. I would be devasted. I gave birth to him, bought him up and then not even asked to HIS birthday- no, that's just so wrong. Party or otherwise a week later, its the DAY that's important. Whether you liked me or not, it would be bloody rude to do that to me. Sounds like your husband just gives in to you. Easy life rather than really his wishes.

Waitingfordoggo · 27/10/2025 20:50

I feel sad for the ILs.

And I’m another one who thinks it’s weird that it didn’t occur to your parents to say: ‘Are the ILs coming?’

My parents and DH were close- my Mum absolutely loved him to bits and vice versa. In this situation, my Mum would have been really chuffed to be invited but her first question would have been about whether her son-in-law’s parents were coming too, and when told they’d not been invited, she and my Dad would have felt very awkward indeed.

And yeah, there’s a WORLD of difference between parents who are toxic/abusive/nasty and parents who are hard work/annoying/not your first choice of company for a holiday.

Sadza · 27/10/2025 20:51

just reading these few sentences indicates a real dislike of your husbands family. I feel a bit sorry for him.

Worried198423 · 27/10/2025 20:53

This is definitely a thread I'd like to hear the other sides take.

You don't seem very nice either.

Anxietybummer · 27/10/2025 20:56

EarnestBull · 27/10/2025 18:29

That’s mad. You can’t invite your parents and not his to his 40th! Unless there is something very toxic about them.

Yes this. It’s also quite telling that ‘you wouldn’t want to go if they went’ despite it being his 40th birthday… It isn’t about you.

Mummypie21 · 27/10/2025 20:58

It depends if your DH minds or not. Me and my DH see a lot more of my in-laws (they are quite needy) but I'm actually closer with my own mum despite seeing her less. I'd be upset if my DH invited his parents and not mine for my big birthday and vice versa (for him).

SuperSue77 · 27/10/2025 20:59

I don't see an issue at all. My DH's parents are quite hands off with our family, the type that waved him goodbye at 18 and occasionally would call him, but the effort was very much from his side, and as they have got older they seem happy for the contact to be even less - unless they want something from him. They might have babysit once or twice in the early days, but not much.

My parents on the other hand have been extremely involved in both my life and my family's life. I could totally envisage this scenario happening in our lives and his parents not really caring. I know OP did ask for opinions, but I think a lot of people will be answering from their own perspetive (as I am from mine!) but I think from the sounds of OP's inlaws, I'd just style it out and don't worry about it.

Overthewaytwice · 27/10/2025 21:00

My children are toddlers, so I can't answer as a MIL, but I do think you and your husband have been pretty horrible to be honest.

My parents are much easier company than my in-laws, I still wouldn't consider doing this for my DH's milestone birthday... it's such a big snub to invite your parents but not his to celebrate his birthday. Actually, my mum would probably point out how rude an idea it was if I floated it by her and would suggest doing something a different time too, I'm really struggling to understand how none of you realised it was an issue when you first discussed it. The only time I could see it being ok would be if they were no contact.

gruberandassocs · 27/10/2025 21:00

Well they are only the reason for his existence. 🙄Yes I would be sad about being left out, think about being left out of your own children's milestones.

Flipidyflopidyflip · 27/10/2025 21:00

This reply has been deleted

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