My husband - The Grief Thief

[JoemarIerseyes]

Does anyone else's husband or partner do this?

Every time I say I am feeling down and depressed (and needing support or a hug) he almost straight away parrots exactly what I have just said and there by dismissing my original gripe/statement. Even if I say, God my flipping feet hurt (with arthritis), he will say, Yeah mine have been playing up too.

How can I get round this? I need some 'tools' to help me get my point across and to avoid him saying the same thing back to me.

Any ideas? Does anyone get the same from their partner?

That sounds tedious, is that a new behaviour?

If it's new, I wonder if a fairly frank "when you respond like X it makes me feel like Y" conversation would help?

If not, maybe change how you bring things up? "Hey, do you mind if I just vent to you please?", "I could do with a hug as my feet are killing me!" Etc. As in, sort of tell him the response you're after in the statement itself?

Just answer “Really? That’s odd because you didn’t mention it until I did!” And give him the side eye whilst you say it.

I think some people do this to try and relate with you when they don't have a creative response. It is their own way of validating your feelings. It is a thing, but I can't remember what it's called.

If you want a hug or for him to give you support, you can just ask for it. He might not realise that is what you're really asking for.

Say 'how are you? Had a good day?'

When he says 'yes good.' swoop in with your comment about not feeling well.

Then when he adjusts his answer, use that to start a conversation about this really irritating behaviour.

I would just ask him exactly that and tell him how it makes you feel, he probably doesn’t even realise he’s doing it. It does sound very tedious, but I would confront it directly, not dance around it with wit, sarcasm or anything like that.

He will still mirror me! Its so annoying. I feel like clamming up and just being dumb. I actually don't think he would accept it if I told him he was irritating, and just deny it.

Why do they do it?

It might just be his way of saying he relates and empathises

Probably just making conversation back and trying to clumsily empathise/identify 🤷‍♂️

It's not like he can do anything to cure your aching feet anyway.

No tools needed just plain old frank conversation
start with “how was your day “ “did you sleep well” or some such

then your issue ( don’t be a health bore)

then if he copies you just say please don’t do that , I’d prefer you just responded regarding my issue

it may be a cack handed way of relating and being sympathetic but you want him to stop him so stop him .

What would he do if you made it very specific in a way he couldn't copy? If you were to say that you had really bad period pain? Or sore breasts? I'd be tempted to try this and see what the response is.

I had an upset stomach once while on chemo for breast cancer. My husband said ‘I think I’ve caught what you’ve got’. I said, oh, cancer? Righto.

bloody men!!

Weirdly mirroring and copying is an ADHD trait to signal empathy.

However my DH doesn’t have ADHD and does this. My psychoanalysis is that his dad is narcissistic and judgemental and being ill or in pain is really the only ‘excuse’ DH had growing up for anything. His dad does it too. So if he wants love and care, he has to have the thing you have.

I’ve mentioned it and now all I have to say is, “of course you do” and he knows. But you have to have the conversation, and then mention it every time until they make the connection.

Omg, mittelschmerz, make it stop.

See what he says to that.

Maybe he's in constant minor pain and only notices it in selective areas when you put the idea in his head?

If you go to the doctor with him though you'll just be told that one or both of you have autism or ADHD

If you are still menstruating mention that you feel crap and when he says "Yes so do I" say "Oh, are you having a bad period too?" Or if post meno say "Oh are you struggling with your menopause too?"

Make sure that whatever your issue is, he cannot possibly have it (breast pain for example).

Although when my ex did this I found it easier to simply lose my rag. "Oh what a fucking surprise, you are feeling ill too.....God forbid anyone else should want any sympathy" or "Wow my body must really incubate bugs well because whatever I have got you manage to get it too at exactly the same time.....how weird" with an obviously annoyed face/voice. But I didnt like him at all.

I went to university with a girl like this. I'm a bit ashamed to admit that we used to take the piss and would make shit up to see how she could top it. But we also excluded her frmo things and never made friends so, imagine my surprise when, 20 years later, she happens to be dating my brother's friend and he comes home and tells me that he was hearing all about how Mary and I were such good friends at university!

If this is not something you can address with him then you actually have a bigger problem. The first part is tha the's behaving in this childish way that also ensures you never get support, empathy or love. The second part is that he has no interest in addressing this or considering his behaviour which means not only that nothing will ever change, but that you are with someone who is intrinisically selfish and lacking the ability to take accountability or responsibility.

I suspect this means there are significant other issues in the relationship that you are either unaware of or tha tyou have convinced yourself are "not that bad".

I literally warn him not to parrot it and to say something sympathetic or helpful.

He’s got much better. I think he needed coaching. His instinct is to check his own body part just in case! It’s like, misplaced empathy.

If he does fall back into it I point out that he’s fine, it’s his imagination playing tricks on him. I’m not nasty about it, just pragmatic.

I feel ya.

My husband seems to have menopause by proxy according to the symptoms he says he shares with me.

My mother does this. It's ridiculous and so irritating.

E.g.
Mum: how are you?
Me: not great, I'm really tired and have been in so much pain with menstrual cramps today
Mum: me too
Me: really?? Period pain?!
Mum: oh, eh, I just meant cramps in my stomach generally. And I'm exhausted.

I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and she actually said, yes me to, I think I have some form of stress disorder from that time at the dentist... 😒

It's become a bit of a joke with my Dad, he jokingly said he had sore testicles just so she couldn't say me too! 🤣🤣

I think she's trying to empathise, but it just comes across very tone deaf and as if she's trying to make everything all about her.

My DH does this. I wonder what his response will be when menopause hits me.

It's unbelievably fucking irritating and deeply unattractive. It's like I am not allowed any issues (whether physical or emotional) and am not worthy of warmth or comfort. It's very upsetting tbh.

I can empathise with you OP.
My husband actually DID have morning sickness when I was pregnant....pathetic.

Putting this issue aside, what’s he like and the marriage generally?

This is what I was wondering too.

I do think I'm ND and he probably is too, and that's why we clash on stuff. I still need ways to manage the problem though 😕