Page 4 | My husband - The Grief Thief

mellicauli · 27/10/2025 21:55

"we're not talking about you, we're talking about me" rinse and repeat

MrsMitford3 · 27/10/2025 21:55

DH and I fell into the "competitive tiredness" trap when DC were little.

Luckily we were able to see it and now use it as a jokey way to call out that sort of thing...

What happens if you call it out?

Pumpkincatbow · 27/10/2025 22:18

What's he bringing to the relationship OP? Is there good stuff as well as this crap?

AdoraBell · 27/10/2025 22:18

This would annoy me.

KeenAzureGuide · 27/10/2025 22:47

That sounds incredibly painful Grief is already hard enough without feeling like the person who’s supposed to support you is minimizing or taking ownership of it You have every right to feel whatever you’re feeling sadness, anger, confusion all of it Grief doesn’t need to be fixed it needs to be witnessed, and it sounds like you’re not getting that from him You’re not wrong for needing space or understanding

ChocolateBoxCottage · 27/10/2025 23:10

One of my relatives does this, but it's part of the bigger picture that I can't feel anything as they have it worse. I have resorted to asking if they need any support when my dog died. That went straight over their head! I'm not sure it's always coming from a good place

Moretwirlsandswirls · 27/10/2025 23:17

I just say “and back to the subject of meeeeeeeee” until he looks embarrassed

Imbrocator · 27/10/2025 23:30

Very frustrating for you. In my experience, people tend to do this when they’re not really listening or interested in sympathising with what you’re saying or going through. When you say it, it reminds him of his own issues, which he can then tell you for sympathy. It’s not necessarily mean spirited, just a symptom of not being switched on/connected.

I think the best way of dealing with it would just be to point it out and say what you’d like to happen instead. You should be able to receive sympathy when you are struggling with something, as should he. There’s nothing wrong with stating outright that you’d like that, so long as you can do it in a plain, calm way which isn’t accusatory.

justjuggling · 28/10/2025 00:33

MissIonX · 27/10/2025 18:04

My mother does this. It's ridiculous and so irritating.

E.g.
Mum: how are you?
Me: not great, I'm really tired and have been in so much pain with menstrual cramps today
Mum: me too
Me: really?? Period pain?!
Mum: oh, eh, I just meant cramps in my stomach generally. And I'm exhausted.

I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and she actually said, yes me to, I think I have some form of stress disorder from that time at the dentist... 😒

It's become a bit of a joke with my Dad, he jokingly said he had sore testicles just so she couldn't say me too! 🤣🤣

I think she's trying to empathise, but it just comes across very tone deaf and as if she's trying to make everything all about her.

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This is my Mum too. Drives me potty. The result is that I share very little with her these days and we have a predominantly surface level relationship.

LillyPJ · 28/10/2025 05:15

crackofdoom · 27/10/2025 19:32

That's absolute nonsense.

An ADHD/ ASD diagnosis usually involves a several year waiting list, then one or two long (as in hours) sessions with a clinical psychologist. You are expected to bring several completed forms and questionnaires to these sessions, preferably including one your parents have filled out.

A GP can not and would not make a neurodiversity diagnosis.

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... and yet on MN people can diagnose instantly just by reading a short comment!

whatisforteamum · 28/10/2025 05:20

It's a neurodiverse thing.We do it to empathize not hog the attention.
In our brains we are sharing a similar story or situation.
I only learned this at 58.😂

whimsicallyprickly · 28/10/2025 05:47

People do it because:

They are self centred and self absorbed and aren't interested in you and your issues at all

They think its a way of empathising (it absolutely isnt)

A combination of the above

Notsoother · 28/10/2025 05:59

JoemarIerseyes · 27/10/2025 18:36

Yes!!! 💯 this is how I feel. Yet he never volunteers information about his feelings or hurts, he expects me to extract it out of him and frankly I can't be bothered

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So in a nutshell, not a particularly happy marriage generally

Pietchi · 28/10/2025 06:26

I have a family member who has done this their whole life and ironically complains about another relative who does it!
I don’t bother telling them anything anymore.

DrBlackbird · 28/10/2025 07:10

Some ND people (men more?) have a poor or weak sense of themselves / their physical and emotional status and seem to base how they’re feeling by osmosis on what their partners are feeling. In a way they do feel what you feel or at least they think they do. But it’s not what you need. There’s been some good suggestions about being direct if you want a hug and/or telling him you need him to be positive when you’re feeling down or if he has a sense of humour, you can reply ‘this is about me, not about you’.

Original poster

JoemarIerseyes · 28/10/2025 16:04

MrsMitford3 · 27/10/2025 21:55

DH and I fell into the "competitive tiredness" trap when DC were little.

Luckily we were able to see it and now use it as a jokey way to call out that sort of thing...

What happens if you call it out?

Honestly? I offer him sympathy and pain killers, and we moan about the pain together!

OP posts:

Catpiece · 28/10/2025 16:10

Years ago when I used to get really bad PMT he’d compete with me. That’s the only way I can explain it

BadgernTheGarden · 28/10/2025 16:18

JoemarIerseyes · 27/10/2025 17:11

Does anyone else's husband or partner do this?

Every time I say I am feeling down and depressed (and needing support or a hug) he almost straight away parrots exactly what I have just said and there by dismissing my original gripe/statement. Even if I say, God my flipping feet hurt (with arthritis), he will say, Yeah mine have been playing up too.

How can I get round this? I need some 'tools' to help me get my point across and to avoid him saying the same thing back to me.

Any ideas? Does anyone get the same from their partner?

Yes, my DH does have worse health than me, but still infuriating, I say my back's bad today he replies mine's been bad all week, bad health one upmanship! I do get a bad neck that gets sore and stiff sometimes (which he doesn't) so if I complain about that he says you'll just have to get that fixed, it doesn't fix, it's wear and tear (plus a bad car accident years ago) plus probably arthritis now. Not that I'm looking for a lot of sympathy, but I do sympathise with his problems.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 28/10/2025 17:07

I'm autistic and use my own experiences to relate to people and sympathise, but I know I do it and am trying to stop. I don't say my feet hurt too if they don't.

anareen · 28/10/2025 17:10

Soukmyfalafel · 27/10/2025 17:30

I think some people do this to try and relate with you when they don't have a creative response. It is their own way of validating your feelings. It is a thing, but I can't remember what it's called.

If you want a hug or for him to give you support, you can just ask for it. He might not realise that is what you're really asking for.

Fully agree with this!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/10/2025 17:14

JoemarIerseyes · 27/10/2025 17:11

Does anyone else's husband or partner do this?

Every time I say I am feeling down and depressed (and needing support or a hug) he almost straight away parrots exactly what I have just said and there by dismissing my original gripe/statement. Even if I say, God my flipping feet hurt (with arthritis), he will say, Yeah mine have been playing up too.

How can I get round this? I need some 'tools' to help me get my point across and to avoid him saying the same thing back to me.

Any ideas? Does anyone get the same from their partner?

Thh hi is is apparently an ADHD thing.

Dh does it. Now l just say I’m talking about me not you. We can talk about you in a bit.

He thinks he’s being sympathetic. He’s also adhd

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 28/10/2025 17:36

I was just complaining about this the other day. At new year I said to DH that the year had been a horrendous year for me and I hoped the next one was better.

Work was so stressful that the GP thought I was having a stroke, I was then made redundant in the most stressful way they could have done it, I had an ongoing injury that prevented me doing the hobby I loved which ended up requiring surgery that I was desperate to avoid. I then started a new job which is always stressful.

He said his year had been far far worse as he had plantar fasciitis (news to me) and work stress too (I work in the same room as him, it wasn’t making him ill) . 🙄

would it have killed him to just haven been sympathetic rather than one upping?

gingerninja · 28/10/2025 18:09

I do this as does my husband, it’s not malicious (in our case) it’s an empathy thing. I do it without thinking but when I’m aware of it I will stop myself. Luckily we’re quite honest in our household so we can do it and receive it without feeling competitive.

Barde · 28/10/2025 18:26

I've been married for 40 years and yes he always has something that requires more attention!

Catwalking · 28/10/2025 18:39

JoemarIerseyes, next time you have pain that you want to share with DH, before you tell him how your knees are try asking how his are?
Only complain about your discomfort once you are sure he has said his is fine, that way he’ll never be able to steal your thunder, or pretend he’s always had the similar condition.