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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My husband - The Grief Thief

140 replies

JoemarIerseyes · 27/10/2025 17:11

Does anyone else's husband or partner do this?

Every time I say I am feeling down and depressed (and needing support or a hug) he almost straight away parrots exactly what I have just said and there by dismissing my original gripe/statement. Even if I say, God my flipping feet hurt (with arthritis), he will say, Yeah mine have been playing up too.

How can I get round this? I need some 'tools' to help me get my point across and to avoid him saying the same thing back to me.

Any ideas? Does anyone get the same from their partner?

OP posts:
momtoboys · 27/10/2025 19:54

Cinnamon77 · 27/10/2025 19:38

And yet every celebrity, every member of a celebrity's family and every poster on Mumsnet has one

I have wondered why that is!

GellerYeller · 27/10/2025 19:55

Not great advice I’m afraid but DH has a relative that does this. We used to find it rude till we realised we could predict it, and all the family were exchanging knowing looks, ‘here it comes’. It does come across as ‘never mind about your problem, let’s all talk about ME! instead of acknowledging your pain.
As soon as we started gently taking the mick out of it- not overtly- the irritation lessened and it just became a running private joke. Sending you solidarity 💐

Jellybunny56 · 27/10/2025 19:56

I think some people are just like this & do it almost automatically, without even thinking, their instinctual response is to basically say “me too” rather than “that sounds hard, how can I help” etc.

I have a friend like this and she is a lovely person but definitely guilty of this, if you’re unwell so is she, if you’re tired so is she, if your leg hurts from a random freak incident then coincidentally hers is too!

Tiebiter · 27/10/2025 19:58

I call DH the Symptom Stealer. He does exactly as you describe. Even down to period pain "yeah I'm not feeling great either" and even complained of being uncomfortable in his chair during my 24 induced labour on the dreaded drip which ended in forcep delivery.

I suspect it's because his mum was often away but probably came back from work if he was really ill.

catsmother · 27/10/2025 20:01

My EX (note emphasis on ex) used to do this but to this day I'm convinced it wasn't a clumsy attempt at empathy but rather a ploy to absolve himself of any additional 'responsibility' for the time I felt ill.

A decent person steps up if their partner is feeling ill ... they'll suggest that the poorly one rests, takes it easy, takes a soothing warm bath, goes to bed or whatever's required to ease their symptoms. In the meantime the decent partner would, for the duration, take on as much 'extra' work as they could to facilitate their partner's recovery. Pretty basic stuff like cooking, laundry, cleaning and, of course, childcare.

However, EX would almost always 'level the playing field' by countering any of my health issues with 'equivalent' issues of his own (out of the blue) - meaning that as we were both now 'equally' incapacitated (allegedly) he'd sweve any additional tasks and the absolutely essential stuff like ensuring our kids were safe and fed would continue to fall on both our shoulders. Except it usually fell heavier on mine because once he'd staked his claim so to speak, the amount of theatrical huffing and puffing, sighing and moaning, would play on for ages to ensure there was no sign of his 'improvement' before mine.

Conversely, when he was genuinely ill, I just got on with things to allow him to recover properly. Even then, the amount of 'poor me-ing' would often be disproportionate to the matter in hand - especially when speaking to his mother who'd smother him with sympathy.

There are just some people who are selfish and lazy and who absolutely cannot bear, even temporarily, and for very good reason, not to be the most 'important' person in the household.

nolongersurprised · 27/10/2025 20:20

JoemarIerseyes · 27/10/2025 17:34

He will still mirror me! Its so annoying. I feel like clamming up and just being dumb. I actually don't think he would accept it if I told him he was irritating, and just deny it.

Because he wants you to look after him, not the other way around

user1471538283 · 27/10/2025 20:23

You can't have anything. I think with some people it's about attention. When I had post natal depression my ex said it was hard for him too. I laughed. I was doing it all whilst he gambled and drank with his mates.

TotHappy · 27/10/2025 20:38

When mine does it I feel like he's doing it as a sort of defense mechanism against being asked to help me. Like I'll say 'oh hell I'm so tired... its been awful the last few nights up and down with the baby...' and he'll respond 'yes, I'm knackered too'. Now maybe he has also been woken by the cries I've soothed, in fact very likely, but it feels like he's saying it to get in before I follow up with 'so can you do tonight?' Or 'so can I have a lie in tomorrow?'
Like he must appear vulnerable lest I ask him to plug any of my vulnerabilities.

TotHappy · 27/10/2025 20:40

I see catsmother had already said it

justasking111 · 27/10/2025 20:41

I'm waiting for two new hips. He has a bad knee. Guess which is worse 🙄

LT1233 · 27/10/2025 20:46

Mine has had a habit of this, as I think a lot of people do, not just men. I used to laugh it off saying its not a competition but this didn't change anything. I now start most things I'm moaning about with "I know you've had/been/felt X worse but I'm really feeling/being X". It really throws him and he doesn't do it much anymore lol

k1233 · 27/10/2025 20:49

JoemarIerseyes · 27/10/2025 17:11

Does anyone else's husband or partner do this?

Every time I say I am feeling down and depressed (and needing support or a hug) he almost straight away parrots exactly what I have just said and there by dismissing my original gripe/statement. Even if I say, God my flipping feet hurt (with arthritis), he will say, Yeah mine have been playing up too.

How can I get round this? I need some 'tools' to help me get my point across and to avoid him saying the same thing back to me.

Any ideas? Does anyone get the same from their partner?

Have you tried "I've got a pain in the ovaries?"

RawBloomers · 27/10/2025 20:52

JoemarIerseyes · 27/10/2025 17:34

Why do they do it?

People I’ve known who do this sort of thing don’t seem to like attention being on other people. They say it so you don’t feel able to ask them to do something to support you because of whatever you’ve moaned about and they can talk about themselves instead of just listening to you. They don’t want to have to provide you with attention and practical support.

But I’ve only ever seen it with people I’m not super close to - “friends” in a big group, work colleagues, etc. No one I’m close to. So there may be less selfish people who, as people suggest above, are just trying to empathize. Does he go on to ask you about your feet, or does that end the conversation/refocus it on him?

HereForTheFreeLunch · 27/10/2025 21:02

Agree with pp... It's getting the attention back on him. That's my experience of it.

PoppyRoseBucky · 27/10/2025 21:11

JoemarIerseyes · 27/10/2025 17:34

Why do they do it?

I think there's a number of reasons for it. Not all of it malicious or ill-intended.

The most generous reason is that he may be trying to relate to you (poorly) and show he understands by mirroring you.

Others do it for attention and as competition. My ex used to do it all the time. If I was talking about something I was going through at the time, he'd immediately circle it back to him (without addressing my issues and feelings) and how his situation (past or present) was worse. In the end, I stopped talking to him about things because it was pointless as the conversation would always loop back round to him.

Either way it can be tedious, and I would handle this directly, rather than sarcastically. I imagine he's just trying to show he understands and is making a hash of it. Just tell him how it makes you feel when he does it and see what he says.

If you try and handle this indirectly, there's every chance he will just miss the hint.

AllTheChaos · 27/10/2025 21:15

JadziaD · 27/10/2025 17:57

I went to university with a girl like this. I'm a bit ashamed to admit that we used to take the piss and would make shit up to see how she could top it. But we also excluded her frmo things and never made friends so, imagine my surprise when, 20 years later, she happens to be dating my brother's friend and he comes home and tells me that he was hearing all about how Mary and I were such good friends at university! Grin

If this is not something you can address with him then you actually have a bigger problem. The first part is tha the's behaving in this childish way that also ensures you never get support, empathy or love. The second part is that he has no interest in addressing this or considering his behaviour which means not only that nothing will ever change, but that you are with someone who is intrinisically selfish and lacking the ability to take accountability or responsibility.

I suspect this means there are significant other issues in the relationship that you are either unaware of or tha tyou have convinced yourself are "not that bad".

Right. So people with ASD or ADHD, who ‘mirror’ as a way of showing sympathy and empathy, are in fact “intrinsically selfish and lacking the ability to take accountability or responsibility”. Good to know that normies are such paragons of virtue, and not at all blind and insensitive to the ways in which other people’s brains are wired.

TiggyTomCat · 27/10/2025 21:16

Exactly the same with my DH - the kids and I have turned into a family joke...! Here we go..... Dad's got it worse....again....Even he laughs now!

LillyPJ · 27/10/2025 21:19

I don't have any helpful suggestions but just wanted you to know you're not alone. My ex used to do this. Any ache or pain I had, he had too. It got to the stage where I wouldn't bother telling him.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 27/10/2025 21:19

He's an elevenerifer. If you've been to Tenerife...

LillyPJ · 27/10/2025 21:21

k1233 · 27/10/2025 20:49

Have you tried "I've got a pain in the ovaries?"

I seem to remember that Bart Simpson tried that once!

Shell18celhave · 27/10/2025 21:22

Tell him you have thrush too after he parrots you next time "yep I have a real irritating c**t" see if he gets the message 😁

JadziaD · 27/10/2025 21:23

AllTheChaos · 27/10/2025 21:15

Right. So people with ASD or ADHD, who ‘mirror’ as a way of showing sympathy and empathy, are in fact “intrinsically selfish and lacking the ability to take accountability or responsibility”. Good to know that normies are such paragons of virtue, and not at all blind and insensitive to the ways in which other people’s brains are wired.

Well, I didn't say anything about ASD or ADHD frankly. And as I live with two people with ADHD, clearly I can confidentaly say that no, I don't think anything of the sort.

What I do think, and made clear in my post, is that if this man is doing this and is unwilling to even consider that he is doing it, and simultaneously, the result is htat his wife is feeling unloved and unsupported, then the chances are that this is not a good sign for their relationship. I'm not sure where the ND factor came into this - it certainly wasn't part of my post - but even if he IS ND, that doesn't mean that he gets to simply opt out of giving his wife what she needs to feel loved and safe in a relationship.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 27/10/2025 21:24

Blame every symptom you have as pre period /period /post period related.

Every time.

BustyLaRoux · 27/10/2025 21:29

My dad and DP both do this. Both are autistic. Not sure if that makes any difference. I find they both strongly desire human connection but are not natural empaths. They struggle to view the world outside of their own experience. So when I say I’m feeling exhausted (or other symptom), I know perfectly well that whichever one I’m saying this to respond with “oh right, yeah I’m absolutely exhausted….” And then proceed with anecdote about how exhausted they were today. I know it’s their way of reaching for that human connection but from their egocentric perspective because they’ve nothing else to offer. Which is perfectly demonstrated when I complain to my dad that I’ve terrible period cramps as he just looks blankly and says “well there you go then!” He can’t mirror/match it, he has no experience of this condition and he doesn’t possess the empathy skills to say “oh no, how rubbish!” So he draws a complete blank.

It’s their way of showing empathy I guess but fucking hell it is annoying!!!

HereForTheFreeLunch · 27/10/2025 21:36

I really don't think it is just an autistic/ADHD thing mirroring thing. I have family who are on the spectrum and go ohhh poor you.
It is well possible that it is both - selfish people taking the conversation back to themselves as well as someone mirroring as empathy.

OP will need to figure out which it is.