My husband - The Grief Thief

[JoemarIerseyes]

Does anyone else's husband or partner do this?

Every time I say I am feeling down and depressed (and needing support or a hug) he almost straight away parrots exactly what I have just said and there by dismissing my original gripe/statement. Even if I say, God my flipping feet hurt (with arthritis), he will say, Yeah mine have been playing up too.

How can I get round this? I need some 'tools' to help me get my point across and to avoid him saying the same thing back to me.

Any ideas? Does anyone get the same from their partner?

This
Or how about saying “ my period is really heavy this month and the stomach cramps are horrendous “ ……..can’t really top that one can he?

I dont buy the "it is his way of showing sympahty" thing one bit.

A lot of people just aren't happy if it's not about them. And if there is any sympathy to be had, it had BETTER be directed at them.

Yes!!! 💯 this is how I feel. Yet he never volunteers information about his feelings or hurts, he expects me to extract it out of him and frankly I can't be bothered

He's stressed about work all the time. He constantly thinks I don't want to be with him.

Do you? Doesn’t seem like it

He can be hard work, not much natural affection from him, a bit of a loner really. But I do love him, we work well together most of the time.

Not sure of this is the reason he does it, but I used to do it to an ex because he was always moaning about something and I lost all sympathy with him. So I would reply that I had the same, to shut him up, because I knew he wouldn't want to show me any care.

Obviously the relationship was on its last legs by that point.

How long together? Any children?

12 years no kids, I have older from previous relationship

There’s a name for it, it’s being a “Topper” basically topping whatever you say. Not my DH but my brother does it all the time, I let him finish and I say “back to what I was saying”. Sorry but after 60 odd years he’s never changed.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Nice one!

I have one like this, it drives me bloody mad.

He's doing it right now!!!! I want to kill him......slowly......painfully.

I once complained about my menopausal hot flushes....and my male partner said he had them too.

I swear to God...I went fucking ballistic. @JoemarIerseyes ...I feel your pain. My partner could be the president of the 'grief thieves' (great descriptor, btw).

@idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams It's unbelievably fucking irritating and deeply unattractive. It's like I am not allowed any issues (whether physical or emotional) and am not worthy of warmth or comfort. It's very upsetting tbh.

I feel the same way! Difference is my partner never fucking shuts up about how he feels - he's always got something wrong with him (and always very minor). We don't have children, don't live together and won't be, mainly because of this.

I wish I knew what the answer was, to stop it. I've tried fucking everything.

My DP does this too. I've just started calling him on it every time I think he's parroting. If he genuinely might be feeling the same, I'll go with it and sympathise etc. but if I think he's just being an attention grabber, I'll shoot him down straight away.

E.g. everyone in the house is currently recovering from a chest infection. I had a horrible coughing fit earlier and said: "OMG! This cough is driving me mad!" and straight away DP said: "Yeah, mine too!" and I sympathised because even though in the moment it really wasn't a comment about him, I know he has been feeling rundown.

Last month I had an early miscarriage, and it was very upsetting but the pregnancy was unplanned and I hadn't even had time to get used to the idea before it all went wrong, so we were upset but you know, with a toddler to care for there wasn't time to dwell. Still, physically it took it out of me and I made a comment to DP about feeling really wiped out with cramps etc. and he straight away said: "God me too! Everything aches!" and I know we both suffered a loss, and maybe he was just trying to sympathise in his own way, but I did give him a look and say "Can this please just be about my pain for a minute?" because I feel he should learn that sometimes one person's complaints or concerns need to be met and heard out before moving on to his own.

He's trying to empathize but is failing to anticipate what you're actually needing and wanting from him.

We all want our partners to just know what we're looking for from them without us spelling it out, but the reality is that few do. The strongest relationships I know are the ones where both partners focused on communicating what they need/want directly.

There are two parts to this: 1) explaining to your partner what sorts of things help you feel comforted, validated/encouraged, or like you have help and what don't 2) identifying what you're looking for (problem solving help, comfort, encouragement/validation, quiet listening) before you start talking so they can set themselves to the correct mode. It tends to feel awkward at first but if you do it for a bit you'll find that the two of you develop far more concise ways to signal what you're needing and get a lot better at anticipating what the desired response is.

My DH does a version of this as well I joke that he is missing the empathy gene. He doesn’t compete directly he just likes to mention that he is also suffering from low level stuff like a headache/ sore back / various aches
I’ve very recently had a major medical emergency and in terms of practical help and nursing he has been absolutely amazing, very thoughtful and catered to my every need and I know I can totally depend on him
i don’t rely on him for emotional support though I just speak to my family or friends and accept that it’s just the way he is.
After 30 yrs together he’s not going to change and I just ask him how his headache / backache is, he feels validated, and then I just forget about it.

How can I get round this?

You can't.

Such people don't like attention being diverted away from them, and it's often linked to narcissism. As soon as they think that they'll actually have to nurture and sympathise fully with another person, they assume the role of a victim so they never have to fully be in that nurturing position.

With others, it's like they think that sympathy is a finite resource which they must elbow past others in order to ensure they get the biggest slice.

Did he grow up with siblings he was very competitive with?

@JoemarIerseyes well, at least I feel slightly less alone now. I have no solutions. Honestly, it's just part of a bigger picture of feeling totally unseen and like I am not allowed any vulnerability without him fucking claiming it as his own.

This drives me mad and DH does it all the time! Now I just usually say "I know that you feel much worse, but I feel poorly tonight".

A hammer 🔨 and stove his heid in or a curt stfu min..as Said in Scotland.👍

Tell him he doesn't need to respond with a similar story, he needs to listen, offer support, not compare.
My DH was like this, he learned to listen, sympathise and sometimes he still slides in a comparison, he gets the death stare.

That's absolute nonsense.

An ADHD/ ASD diagnosis usually involves a several year waiting list, then one or two long (as in hours) sessions with a clinical psychologist. You are expected to bring several completed forms and questionnaires to these sessions, preferably including one your parents have filled out.

A GP can not and would not make a neurodiversity diagnosis.

Not buying the misplaced empathy idea, my Dh does this and with him it's definitely more like no empathy.
Just can't stand the idea that somebody else needs more sympathy than he does!

And yet every celebrity, every member of a celebrity's family and every poster on Mumsnet has one

I have one of those. It’s hard work. I know
its because he always feels shit and my vocalising my mood permits him to vocalise his but it isn’t half draining when I just want some empathy and an ear to listen to me and he turns it onto him.