Page 6 | My husband - The Grief Thief

JoemarIerseyes · 2025-10-27T17:11:43+00:00

Does anyone else's husband or partner do this? Every time I say I am feeling down and depressed (and needing support or a hug) he almost straight away parrots exactly what I have just said and there by dismissing my original gripe/statement. Even if I say, God my flipping feet hurt (with arthritis), he will say, Yeah mine have been playing up too. How can I get round this? I need some 'tools' to help me get my point across and to avoid him saying the same thing back to me. Any ideas? Does anyone get the same from their partner?

Justnevergetsthere · 29/10/2025 08:43

NovemberMorn · 27/10/2025 18:13

I can empathise with you OP.
My husband actually DID have morning sickness when I was pregnant....pathetic.

This made me chuckle. Six weeks postpartum (1st dc), dh fainted due to stress and got carted off in an ambulance. I was on my knees with exhaustion. I was doing every night feed because he was working during the day so i wanted to make sure he was well rested - he's a teacher. I did all the childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry , shopping while being on the verge of PND because I was so concerned about ds. Honestly! He clearly wasn't getting enough attention. To add he was suffering from backache when I had backache during pregnancy.

Justnevergetsthere · 29/10/2025 08:53

My dh was brought up with a disabled mother. She was the dominant force in the house, and all focus had to be on her. Everyone else's feelings were diminished. I think this is why he is like he is. If I have an issue, it's either ignored or I get the ' anyway back to me ' kind of response. Needless to say, there is a whole drama if he hurts himself, is sick (dressing gown of doom comes out) etc. It's like having an additional child.

deste · 29/10/2025 09:14

Tell him you have period pains.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 29/10/2025 09:21

newnamehereonceagain · 28/10/2025 18:55

I wonder if people who do this are trying to empathise?

I am, but I'm autistic, I know I'm doing it and I try not to. But often I'm then left not knowing how to respond kindly.

fatphalange · 29/10/2025 09:36

There’s something anti-empathetic about people like this. I’ve known men like it and the biggest culprit: my mum. It’s a way to dismiss what you’re saying. And a weird, twisted sort of jealousy over the non-existent attention you could receive (in their own mind only), a ‘yes but what about me?’ or ‘ok then but I feel even worse and look what a martyr I am!’…horrid trait.

OverDram · 29/10/2025 09:42

Hmm the people doing it to show empathy, you should know that it is having the opposite response.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 29/10/2025 09:55

What happens if its a lady problem? Does he come back with anything then?

FlipFlopVibe · 29/10/2025 09:58

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/10/2025 17:40

Weirdly mirroring and copying is an ADHD trait to signal empathy.

However my DH doesn’t have ADHD and does this. My psychoanalysis is that his dad is narcissistic and judgemental and being ill or in pain is really the only ‘excuse’ DH had growing up for anything. His dad does it too. So if he wants love and care, he has to have the thing you have.

I’ve mentioned it and now all I have to say is, “of course you do” and he knows. But you have to have the conversation, and then mention it every time until they make the connection.

This probably isn’t far off, my husband does have ADHD but also had a strict and quite unloving upbringing both he and his sister do talk about their health and awful lot. His sister and I have the same diagnosed health condition but she is faaaar worse of course 🙄

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 29/10/2025 12:41

fatphalange · 29/10/2025 09:36

There’s something anti-empathetic about people like this. I’ve known men like it and the biggest culprit: my mum. It’s a way to dismiss what you’re saying. And a weird, twisted sort of jealousy over the non-existent attention you could receive (in their own mind only), a ‘yes but what about me?’ or ‘ok then but I feel even worse and look what a martyr I am!’…horrid trait.

No it's not anti-empathetic, I'm autistic and I'm trying to empathise with you by thinking of how I feel, so I can understand how you feel. I know I do it and I realise people don't like it, so I try not to do it, but then I often don't know what to say.

Lookingatabookshelf · 29/10/2025 15:55

Oh God I do this to my husband. In my defence normally when he says he has a bug, and it's a bug my son and I both have as well. I mean it with good intentions as in ," yeah me too, let's commiserate together because it's horrible". I'm trying to train myself to say, I'm sorry, that must be awful etc but it's so false to me. Of course I am sorry. I think it's called mirroring and is a valid empathy tool but if it does your head in just say thanks love but I really just needed to vent.

fatphalange · 29/10/2025 16:02

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 29/10/2025 12:41

No it's not anti-empathetic, I'm autistic and I'm trying to empathise with you by thinking of how I feel, so I can understand how you feel. I know I do it and I realise people don't like it, so I try not to do it, but then I often don't know what to say.

Show quote history

I understand what you’re saying and while that may be true for you and some others, I don’t believe it’s the same for everyone.
A good way of tweaking your reactions would be, ‘oh you poor thing, I felt miserable when I had (insert the complaint here)’. This makes it clear that you can relate and are trying to empathise.

Tryingatleast · 29/10/2025 16:07

I actually do this op

dh: god I’m wrecked/ have headache/ feel awful

me: (in head) shit, I’m wrecked/ have headache/ feel awful too but can’t say it because it sounds like I’m just saying it!

Then before I know it I’m spouting on about how long I’ve had headache, why I’m so tired etc. i can’t explain it but it happens a fair bit!!

mrswhiplington · 29/10/2025 16:28

Tell him your very itchy down below and that you might have caught something.😂

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 29/10/2025 16:46

fatphalange · 29/10/2025 16:02

I understand what you’re saying and while that may be true for you and some others, I don’t believe it’s the same for everyone.
A good way of tweaking your reactions would be, ‘oh you poor thing, I felt miserable when I had (insert the complaint here)’. This makes it clear that you can relate and are trying to empathise.

Show quote history

Yeah, I've already learnt to do that.

IDoWaffleOnABit · 30/10/2025 01:08

Tell him you've had really bad period pains 😉😁