My husband - The Grief Thief

[JoemarIerseyes]

Does anyone else's husband or partner do this?

Every time I say I am feeling down and depressed (and needing support or a hug) he almost straight away parrots exactly what I have just said and there by dismissing my original gripe/statement. Even if I say, God my flipping feet hurt (with arthritis), he will say, Yeah mine have been playing up too.

How can I get round this? I need some 'tools' to help me get my point across and to avoid him saying the same thing back to me.

Any ideas? Does anyone get the same from their partner?

I never say I don’t feel well, because DH will always immediately say he has been feelimg unwell too. I’ll be coughing, eyes streaming and body aching. Still doing all the jobs that need doing and walking the dog, while he stays in bed with his phantom ailment!
Also daren’t get emotional with grief, cos his is bigger.
I feel your pain. I have no solution 😕

In my experience it’s virtually impossible to stop someone doing this. My mom used to do it. If I tried to get her to check herself I got nowhere.

My husband always does this, it's so annoying, but I think he has narcissistic tendencies. He always has to bring any conversation back to him...

I wonder if people who do this are trying to empathise?

My H does this (or he did - I don’t really speak to him much any more). For him it was as a pp said, trying to make sure he didn’t have to do any extra chores or childcare. If I was ill, he was dying, if I was busy, he was completely overwhelmed.

No real answer op - let me know if you find a solution! My H has been pretty much dumped by his long term best mate because of this and other negative behaviours.

Now that you know that it causes the other person harm/discomfort/resentment, do you stop doing it?

Is he aware that he’s sabotaged his friendship and how? Does he do the same to you?

This is a fascinating thread. I’m recognising myself and my DH a bit here! Next time he complains about something, I’m going to be very sympathetic not whinge about any symptoms I might have.

Have you called this out to him explicitly. As in I’ve noticed when I say x you say you also have x. Why is that?

If you’re ND you might need to have the explicit call.

I’ve always thought partner did this so he didn’t get asked to do anything with the kids (to support me being in pain or Ill) and make out he’s equally in pain so I couldn’t go to bed.
If I was tired when kids were tiny (breastfed and never woke him at night) he was exhausted from work. So I would be unreasonable to go to bed for a nap leaving him alone with the kids I had them 24/7 still do if I’m Ill he’s still got something wrong with him.

Not really with feelings, but yes with any sort of illness. When I had cancer (very aggressive cancer requiring 3 years of chemo!) my husband was somehow iller than me a lot of the time! I’m still in treatment and some of my medication causes painful side effects but the instant I say anything about being tired or having sore joints, my husband will magic up a bad back or a stiff neck that is somehow far worse….i don’t bother mentioning anything anymore. I don’t want my children growing up around competitive illness moaning. Before anyone tells me to LTB, this trait (and his occasional grumpiness) is his only fault really, and he did look after me very well (mostly) when I was very very poorly. He is mostly lovely, but a flawed human like all of us.

Why do people do this? OP asked a question on an annoying habit, not dissection of her marriage.

People can be annoying in some ways but totally lovable and great in others.
No one is perfect.

I used to do this OP, as a way of empathising, kind of in a way a friend would say they're fat, and I'd say oh no you're not, I'M fat.

Had a light bulb moment that it wasn't particularly helpful and now try to not turn it on myself.

A long time ago my father was dying of leukaemia and was in and out of hospital - mostly in. The hospital was a hour's drive from my parents home, but my mother didn't have enough confidence to drive in the city so she was getting the bus to the hospital every day, 2 hours there and back, except the weekend when I went down to support her and to take her to the hospital. It was both physically and emotionally exhausting and I was extremely upset one evening in front of my then husband. His father had died about 5 years earlier but without a long illness and without my then husband being involved in supporting his mother either before or afterwards. His response was to say... 'well at least your father is still alive'.

He also had a migraine any time I had a headache, a broken toe any time I stubbed my toes, an ulcer if I had a blister... you get the picture. But the worst, for me, was the total lack of empathy and support when my father was dying.

2021x I'm going to try.
The trouble is we don't see it in the same way as neurotypical people.
So in our mind it's not rude more an empathetic thing.

No actually, if you both go to the GP with the same symptoms, he will be sent for a barrage of tests and no stone will be left unturned in their quest to find and treat his ailment while you will be told it's hormonal and given anti depressants.

I think I’d have to ask him first how he is feeling. Be specific, ask if he has any pains or aches or other symptoms. When he says no, then say how you are feeling. See what happens.

Or whenever you are are going to say something, record it. Get some evidence to put in front of him that can’t deny.

It would drive me crazy. I’d be like, I have period pain do you?

This. I have definitely been that person who responds to a thing by telling my own story of a time I felt the same. apparently this annoys people. What I thought was empathising they read as invalidating. It’s an autistic trait in me.

just talk to him, be honest and non-confrontational.

yoi could equally say that when the NT person knows that what you are doing is empathising in the best way you know how, are they then not upset and understand intentions are good. Why is it the ND person who has to change?

I see it’s already been said, but isn’t this a common ND way of empathising.

I’m not ND (as far as I’m aware) but this is exactly how I build relationships and empathise. I’d appreciate this response to my own complaints as it shows they understand how I feel which I appreciate. If you don’t like it, have you told him and then called him out when he does it to say that’s not the support/response you need?

Well mostly it just isn’t true. More people are diagnosed, yes, because we know more about it. That’s how that works.

My DH does this & I tease him about it. In fairness he does have a few medical problems and is frequently in pain but if I tell him my arthritis is particularly painful he will always respond with how his is extremely painful.

My husband used to do this a lot and l just used to say “can l please be ill on my own” it’s actually become a bit of a joke with us so if l say l’ve got a headache ..and he goes to add that he’s got one too ! He catches himself and says “and back to you ! “

Oh gosh I’m having flashbacks to my
labours where he had a sore back. It was a really tough couple of days on him! Offered him the ball at one point…🙃

Tell him you've had horrendous rigor mortis, and see if he claims to be having it also.

My Ex husband always did this, he would also often be very unpleasant and impatient when I was ill or said that I felt ill, in his case his needs were always greater and he was not supportive at all ever so it was his way of blocking me from having any actual rest / getting any support. Essentially training me not to complain or ask for help so it was a control thing.