To find it almost impossible to move from being friendly with people to being friends?

[RessicaJabbit]

So, I always feel like people are friendly with me, but we're not friends.

They'll stop and chat etc at school drop off, around village, at work etc and all that

It's really hard when there's people you know only met a few months ago or whatever,and they're merrily chatting about how they had great fun at x place together last night, or the group of colleagues all went to a bar the other night, mums at the school,who happily discuss going for a coffee after drop off in front of me.

I have tried inviting people to events/pub/walks whatever, with kids in tow if they want a distraction etc but generally they don't respond or come along. I have done this in the Year 1 group chat, face to face etc. other people invite the larger group,and we go along and then discover that oh so and so are going to their house after to play etc.

It makes me a bit sad, my SIL for example, has a whole host of friends they're always going over each others, on holidays, days out etc. but if we invite them out or over, they're always busy etc. a new colleague joined in October and already is invited out on nights out etc...

Now yes, I get it... the problem must be me ... But I don't know what it is that makes me not really have friends.

Who are you wanting to befriend, and why, though? One of the issues I notice often on Mn threads like this is that the person struggling with friendships isn’t choosing people they’re particularly drawn to as individuals, they’re just thinking of other people generically.

I've been like this my whole life.
I have plenty of people I can chat to happily, message the odd time, even meet very occasionally for coffee but never beyond a certain level.
I think I have a barrier where I think people won't want to hear from me or do stuff.
I think with me it's probably related to ADHD... Giving it a name doesn't really change things or help in any way though.

I quite like solitude to a point but do feel a bit left out at times.

You're not alone anyway...

I think I’m the same, I just don’t “convert” friendship leads to friendships. I guess I will say perseverance is the key.?

Have you tried joining any groups? I made new friends after joining some groups in my local library. Churches often have drop in coffee mornings through the week, you don't have to be religious to go. It's just people sitting around chatting

Another who has always been the same here. I just don’t get it when someone new joins at work and are instantly BFF’s with everyone or your kids start a new hobby with a load of other new starts and within a few weeks there is a group of Mum’s who are best friends and always doing everything together.

It’s hard on the DC who see their friends getting to hang out with each other because the parents are close and they feel left out and I worry that it’s the beginning of the same cycle for them.

I also know the problem must be me I just wish I knew what the problem was! I wish you got feedback in the same way as you do at work.

I’ve always had this exact same issue OP. People do seem to enjoy my company when we talk but we never get to the point of friendship.

I have a friend who is as you describe, lots of friends and forms deep relationships quickly, been a bridesmaid many many times etc. Once she passed me her phone to show me something and I could see her WhatsApp chats and I was shocked by how many 'check ins' there were on there. I don't think she thinks she is doing anything unusual but she obviously really keeps people in mind and genuinely wants to know how they're doing and makes contact frequently. I would very rarely do that with my closest friends and find it awkward when I am on the receiving end. I definitely had an insight into what's required!

There is an ADHD feature of people being out of sight out of mind which I think is worth reflecting on. I mean, to try to keep people in mind and reach out spontaneously.

Yeah i agree, it seems rarer to fine that ‘bond’ with someone.

I’ve met some other mums through nursery but instantly found a bond with one of them at a birthday party. You just click. But I don’t have many friends locally so it would be nice to make more.

... Well I actually founded a very sociable board game group, where people come along have fun and play games.... And many of them are now friends outside the group, going on trips together, BBQs at each others, doing gaming at each others etc..

Not me though.

Maybe you're a bit different? I always think 70 per cent of people are 'normal' and 30 per cent are 'a bit different'. If youre in the 30 per cent you might not fit in with the school gate crowd but you will ... slowly ... make a few friends in your special interest group ... wild swimming, choir, hill walking, tennis, allotmenting ... whatever. So join some groups doing what you love ... and see what happens after a couple of years.

Do you have a spouse/partner/OH?

How did you go from being friendly to being a couple?

That's interesting.
If I were you I would see a therapist /counsellor for advice. They may well have some insight into what you are doing that puts up a barrier to friendship.

I actually think the opposite is true. In my experience people fret about this and try too hard too soon and it comes across as a bit desperate.

You do need to be open to inviting people and organising things bur the key is to roll with it and not have overly high expectations of people too early on.

Genuine friendships are organic, they take time to build and they aren’t rational: too many people treat friendships as an obligation or a quid pro quo: “I invited her to my son’s party so she needs to be my friend.” It doesn’t work like that. You can’t force friendship.

Sometimes you can have a great time with someone at an event or on a day out but it doesn’t go anywhere immediately. Then people read too much into it, get offended and flounce. The trick is to always move at a pace people are comfortable with and allow the ambiguity and take the time. You’re making friends, not looking for a spouse. People are busy and don’t have much bandwidth and if they don’t immediately become your BFF its OK. Leave it, chill, see where it goes.

I have never known a friendship benefit from being rushed or forced.

I’m the same OP. I can chat and maybe do the odd coffee, but that’s it. I’m not a party goer or a drinker, but I’m 54 now, with grown up children ( almost) and tbh, it doesn’t bother me.

You have to find your tribe OP. Often when you see or hear of these gatherings/ social events being organised, they wont be without fall outs. I mean, you read SO many threads on MM where x friend has said/ done this or that, via the group chat. Or Jane is upset because she can’t afford the £ 1000 to fly to the Caribbean for friend Helen’s wedding and everyone else can!

Just continue being you and eventually you will connect with like minded people. Maybe try looking at doing a hobby or something where you can meet different people?

Ive moved country several times and I’ve posted before that for the vast majority of people you have to treat making friends like a special project: it takes effort!

You need to put yourself out there constantly, it’s hard in the beginning because there is naturally a lot of rejection to deal with. Invite often and to a variety of activities/events and always always say yes when receiving an invite back - even if folk dancing/live poetry/whatever isn’t your thing it may lead to something or someone that is

from the other side I have always ended up with big groups of friends and as newcomers move in there are a couple of things that are off putting and surprisingly frequent: expecting me to always be available, one follow up text is fine, but don’t send ten and then move on to email/facebook. Don’t over share and don’t use acquaintances as substitute therapists on a first or second meeting I don’t want to hear how depressed you are, that your child is being bullied with minute by minute replays or at the other end of the spectrum you love swinging and your DH has a massive dick. All RL examples.

That’s a bit sad. So you founded the group and now they have all gone off into their own little groups and not included you?

@RessicaJabbit

Well I actually founded a very sociable board game group, where people come along have fun and play games.... And many of them are now friends outside the group, going on trips together, BBQs at each others, doing gaming at each others etc.

Is it possible that you are a bit intense or overbearing? Or that you’re a bit of a people pleaser? Don’t mean to offend but those would seem plausible explanations here. I have seen people become isolated in friendships mainly for these reasons.

I think people who quickly become very intense with their friends or can’t read social boundaries can make other people feel uncomfortable. Also people who are “too much too soon” and expect friends to become “exclusive” and bend over backwards to please them.

This would be my educated guess. But it might be worth considering counselling if you think its a pattern.

They're still friendly and come along etc

OK: so why is that a problem?

If they are still attending and friendly with you, whats the problem with having their own meetings?

Do you notice when people initiate stuff?

I have been similar (I actually also have ADHD like some on here) but I've realised I haven't necessarily picked up on some more subtle things from others.

I don't think OP was saying there's something wrong with it. It sounds like OP was hoping to also have similar outside friendships develop.

It's not a problem.

I was just replying to someone saying "join a club"

I joined many clubs/activities and it never leads anywhere

But it has led somewhere… you have friends who are attending your board game club.

I think this is mainly a perception issue and it will help you to reframe it in your own mind.

If I’m reading this right: you have started a social event which people enjoy and join. You have a network. Within that network some people have independent friendships. That’s fine and normal and you can’t do anything about that. People are free to befriend whoever they want to.

It feels like you think you should get first dibs on friendships within the broader community. Life isn’t like that. All you can do is keep doing what you’re doing and accept that people enjoy the group but that some of them will be closer to other members of the group than to you.

If you relax and go with this you will build your own friendship groups from this. If you try to control the friendship groups it will make everyone feel weird and uncomfortable.

For me, being friendly and being friends are completely different things. To become friends there is something more: a particular chemistry or deep shared interest. Do you ever ‘click’ with any of the people who join your group?

Clubs i have previously been a part of

Roller Derby
Netball
Badminton
Scrabble
Book club
Board games
Knit and natter
Mother and baby
Church coffee mornings
PTA
Girl Guide leader