To find it almost impossible to move from being friendly with people to being friends?

[RessicaJabbit]

So, I always feel like people are friendly with me, but we're not friends.

They'll stop and chat etc at school drop off, around village, at work etc and all that

It's really hard when there's people you know only met a few months ago or whatever,and they're merrily chatting about how they had great fun at x place together last night, or the group of colleagues all went to a bar the other night, mums at the school,who happily discuss going for a coffee after drop off in front of me.

I have tried inviting people to events/pub/walks whatever, with kids in tow if they want a distraction etc but generally they don't respond or come along. I have done this in the Year 1 group chat, face to face etc. other people invite the larger group,and we go along and then discover that oh so and so are going to their house after to play etc.

It makes me a bit sad, my SIL for example, has a whole host of friends they're always going over each others, on holidays, days out etc. but if we invite them out or over, they're always busy etc. a new colleague joined in October and already is invited out on nights out etc...

Now yes, I get it... the problem must be me ... But I don't know what it is that makes me not really have friends.

I'm the same op, friendly with everyone at work, all DDs friend's parents, chat happily to anyone but no idea how to make friends, the sort I'll still have when DD grows up. DH and I have a friendship group (mainly DHs old friends) but they all live all over now so not handy for coffee dates etc.

This is very interesting. I am definitely out of sight out of mind and probably a bit transactional - if I text someone it’s usually to arrange to see them or to ask them a question rather than just “ how’s things”.

This is such a great point.

I used to be an “organiser” and was integral in setting up a sports club, volunteered to be class rep when DC started school etc. I would always message the whole year group WhatApp and be super inclusive.

It got me nowhere socially. I’ve stepped right back and have since focussed my efforts on specific people I like / connect with. Still very much a work in progress but things are slowly improving.

But I don’t understand why you thought it would make you friends. By definition, you were doing a job that involves generic messages to entire memberships or to all other class parents, rather than bringing you closer to individuals you feel drawn to. We’re back to the mistake a lot of people who struggle with friendships on here make — that they just think of other people as an undifferentiated mass.

I’m really glad you posted this OP. It’s nice to know it isn’t just me.

I am far more likely to make friends when I’m relaxed. Worrying and feeling miserably envious of people with a better social life looks needy and people draw back. Enjoy your small interactions whils accepting that you haven’t YET found your tribe and something may happen.

I do invite people I feel like I would get on with, not just wider groups. But sometimes it feels like you need to cast the net wide to meet the people in the first place.

Cast the net wider ? You are not fishing. To have someone be " promoted" to friendship going to each other's houses status, there needs to be connection, this can be circumstantial eg: kids in the same class, catch the same train but also needs to be a personal connection to that person for themselves. Deep inner circle friendship comes from shared values and interests. My most recent friendship is because we both love baking, amateur dramatics, community projects and most importantly she is a great laugh. I didn't cast my net wide and neither did she, we sought each other out in group enviroments. I am sure some other third party introduced us, we have several acquaintances in common- but she is my special friend.

There’s someone who does this on one of our “special interest” school WhatsApp groups and I think the issue is that the group is just too broad - we’re not all friends or even know each other so it’s not really clear whether she’s addressing the whole group, had specific people in mind etc. I’ve never met her so would never respond.

but if she text me and said hey DC was mentioning that you XYZ would you like to come along to ABC I’d almost certainly go - because why not?

How else do I make friends from friendly people?

I invite them individually... nothing. I invite as a wider small group... nothing...

What else am I supposed to do if I invite people to things and they never come, and how can I get invited to places when they never invite me??

I don't know what I'm doing wrong 😔 😔 😔

@RessicaJabbit

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. You’re just over invested and getting ahead of yourself.

Read the earlier posts from @Neurodiversitydoctor and others about the concentric circles of friendship.

Friendship is hard and slow. Its not meant to be something you can socially engineer by arranging a couple of meet ups. This is a good foundation but its not a silver bullet.

Keep doing what you’re doing but detach a bit. Expect less, take it all less personally and try to keep it in perspective.

I get the sense that you may be self sabotaging because you’re not getting results as fast as you want them. You really need to take a step back. Get counselling to try to understand why you are self sabotaging.

I'm sorry but the weirdo bit made me 😆

Say more about these invitations you keep issuing — who exactly are you inviting, and to do what? And are you saying that literally no one you’ve ever invited ever shows up or acknowledges your invitations?

Im not expecting miracles... Or being best friends with everyone I neet... but I've known these people for years. And it never moves beyond chit chat, all the while they seem to make new friends and chat about what they're all up to
It's all "Jenny and I went to do and so the other day" "we're off on holiday with the Jones's next week to Cornwall, can't wait!" Etc

It makes it harder when a "newbie" comes along and is immediately invited out places etc. like I said, I had a colleague join in October and has already been invited out places etc a woman joined us in February time, and has already been on holiday with her new mates at work, and they go out together etc.

I'm not expecting to make best friends with people, I just literally have no idea why I'm overlooked and ignored.

:(

Yes, I think this is also an important point in terms of how likely people are to respond to things.

@RessicaJabbit I can’t know for sure but from what you’ve posted I strongly suspect you are exaggerating the degree to which these people are “friends”.

They are very likely friendships of convenience, driven by opportunity and expediency. They have kids at the same school or they live close or have known each other through work. Or whatever it may be.

I think you are blowing them up in your head to make them more important than than they are and obsessing over how they are better than what you have.

Obviously I can’t know this for sure. Maybe you really are cold or rude but I seriously doubt it. Most people can find someone who they click with but not many. Its a numbers game but you simply can’t afford to let yourself get hung up on other people’s social interaction. It’s paralysing you. I have seen many people become similarly obsessed with themselves in the belief that they “can’t” make friends it invariably is the case that they overthink and catastrophise.

Please talk to a professional about it and learn to get it into perspective.

Okay

So I mentioned I run a board game club earlier. So it's not monopoly and sscrabble. It's more games like Catan, 7 Wonders etc
My DD had been to a little friends house to play, I went to collect them and popped inside whilst the kids finished off. I noticed they had a particular board game in their kitchen table. I remarked that I love that game, and how it was a special edition of it (Sushi Go Party) and we had a little chat about games etc, the husband enthusiastically runs upstairs and brings a couple more to show me. We had a good chat and I said, something along the lines of "oh perhaps one day you might like to join our games club? They love that game". And they nodded along.

A few days later I sent them a message saying "in case you were interested in joining us it's At this time, this day this place. Or maybe we can get together one day, the kids can play and we could game"

Radio silence. Fine, understand that you can't always just go out of an evening and it might not work for them. But there was zero response.

Mentioned it again briefly when they collected their DD another time, and the girls were playing another boardgame at ours... Saying it would be lovely to get together to play a game.

Have we ever played board games together? No. Have they ever been to club? No. Did they even respond to the invitations? No..

We have exactly the same taste in board games, have kids that get on, can chit chat at school gates...

I get it that they might be busy and it's difficult to find time etc.
So I assume that they're not interested in pursuing that avenue. So we're friendly. The kids play with each other etc no worries.

Repeat with other people for the last 20 years.

...and then what will happen, in most examples like above, is that at some point they will merrily talk about their board game night the other night and how they invited newbie parent along and how they all had a marvellous time.

You’re not their type of person, presumably? Is it a small town situation, as @Thepeopleversuswork asked above?

Sometimes a person can just be a poor match for the social environment they find themselves in. I’ve never in my life struggled socially, so I knew it wasn’t specifically a me problem when I moved to a particular place and spent seven years without making a single friend there, despite getting involved in local things, volunteering, inviting people over etc. I was making friends at work in the nearest city, but zilch locally. I only really realised retrospectively that it just was a fairly insular place. Nearly everyone who lived there had grown up there, and attended the school our children were now at. Incomers were rare and foreigners even rarer, and people just weren’t that attuned to friend-making in a way I suppose you aren’t if you’ve always known everyone else from toddlerhood. I was also somewhat unusual for there (though deeply ordinary globally).

It was a lonely period for me, but you know, it was no one’s fault. I didn’t do anything wrong (and when we moved away, I made good friends quite quickly in the new environment) but neither did anyone else. I just wasn’t their type, and they didn’t owe me friendship.

I do invite specific people based in specific things.

In that specific situation, I’d assume they just weren’t interested in joining a club to play games, and/or that they probably already had their own group who played those games that worked for them? Also that the guy probably didn’t see it as a friendship overture, just a club convenor trying to boost membership numbers?

I mean, what you’re saying in this specific instance is ‘Why didn’t he invite me to game at his house, when he knew I played, but did invite the other person he’s known for less time?’

Could be any number of reasons. He discounted you because you’d told him you ran a club and presumed your gaming needs were fully catered for elsewhere, whereas the other person want in the club and expressed an interest? He just liked the other person more than you?

Maybe.

I dunno..I find it hard wherever.

I also struggle to move from acquaintance to friend so following.

I just assume it's because people don't like me enough to want to do more than the bare minimum.

I'm just not the person that's being invited out for dinner with people, or to events, or places.

It's definitely me. I just don't what it is about me that stops me being taken to the "next level" of friends.

I just go and do my own thing a lot of the time.