To find it almost impossible to move from being friendly with people to being friends?

[RessicaJabbit]

So, I always feel like people are friendly with me, but we're not friends.

They'll stop and chat etc at school drop off, around village, at work etc and all that

It's really hard when there's people you know only met a few months ago or whatever,and they're merrily chatting about how they had great fun at x place together last night, or the group of colleagues all went to a bar the other night, mums at the school,who happily discuss going for a coffee after drop off in front of me.

I have tried inviting people to events/pub/walks whatever, with kids in tow if they want a distraction etc but generally they don't respond or come along. I have done this in the Year 1 group chat, face to face etc. other people invite the larger group,and we go along and then discover that oh so and so are going to their house after to play etc.

It makes me a bit sad, my SIL for example, has a whole host of friends they're always going over each others, on holidays, days out etc. but if we invite them out or over, they're always busy etc. a new colleague joined in October and already is invited out on nights out etc...

Now yes, I get it... the problem must be me ... But I don't know what it is that makes me not really have friends.

No. Just pretty much invisible! People would chat, work with me etc, but I would wander round on my own wan awful lot at breaks. Sit at lunch listening to people excitedly talking about sleepovers, trips to town etc. I'd chat and ask them stuff like what fill they're seeing etc. But never got invited to tag along or anything.

Interesting thread....
My first question would be: do you really need a bosom buddy or two or are you simply looking at what you feel others have and wondering why you do not?
It may be that what they have is not quite as you think it is, but once you have this idea in your head you will interpret their behaviour according to that mindset.

Social media also gives false impressions of closer relationships than in real life.

I am a bit the same and I try not to analyse it too much. Although I think I understand it. I was tied up with nursing sick late OH for a long time, then plagued with ill health and injuries which took me out of the loop for a long while. Also I have a skill which involves me taking a leading role in various activities which place me in an "in charge" role which is inevitably distancing and affects how people see me.

I think that trying too hard is a real problem too. Maybe just lean into what you have for now .

It might be a bit area dependent. I know very few people living more than 2 hours from family, and those that do are still close to their family. Even at school pickup for my youngest, I would estimate that 75% of the children in her class have a grandparent doing at least 1 drop-off or pickup each week. At least in those I see around me, those that have an abundance of connection seem to just collect more along the way.

I think being friends is completely different to being friendly and social with people in general. There is a certain something with friends that goes way beyond the friendly surface and is more about being able to show all your warts, flaws, etc., have frank and difficult conversations, and being there when the crap hits the fan.
I think they are few and far between, to be honest. I think it takes a long time to build a friendship; it can take time and hard work, and you really need to genuinely like someone to want to put that much effort in.
I think a lot of friendships are friendly social acquaintances that are very surface-level, unfortunately. People think they are friends until the hard stuff arrives, and then it just becomes too hard, and then they end up disappointed.

How cynical am I?😬