Cleaner invited friends over AIBU

[Nestingbirds]

We have an arrangement with our cleaner that she takes care of our animals when we are away for a few days. She usually stays in the annexe but this time stayed in our house due to refurbishment.

We had an agreement when this started that we would prefer she didn’t have visitors apart from her long term boyfriend. He is away atm. She was totally on board, and said she would feel the same if it was her house.

We pay her really really well, and leave her lots of treats including fresh flowers. She told me she likes the time she has to herself, and all is well.

Only our neighbour texted me to say there are people coming and going from our house and sent me her ring doorbell footage. Not only is she having friends over, she isn’t actually spending time with the animals or cleaning (we pay her separately for both) as the rest of the time she has been out. We never leave our dog all day. Whilst we obviously don’t mind her going out, and want her to be happy, I just feel taken for a ride as she is clearly not there doing either.

I have messaged her to see how she is, hoping she would be honest about her friend coming over and staying for hours in our house, but she has continued to lie to me.

I feel like I can’t trust her now. Wwyd?

Agreed. Likely the very cleaners that shirk!

I wouldn’t have given her any notice about coming home early. You were being too kind, not that it made a difference anyway, with lots of shopping bags on show and a dirty cat litter tray etc.

Like someone else said, she’s probably always been like this but usually did a deep clean before you got back.

Anyway her game is up and the trust is gone.

Make sure you charge her for the expensive wine she stole. After what she’s done, she deserves some humiliation.

@Nestingbirds you have no need to return to the thread but if you do, please don't pay attention or reply to the individuals who seem to be nit-picking at your story/updates and generally trolling the thread.

In summary:

• she had a guest stay over when she was explicitly told she couldn't have friends stay.
• she left your dog for hours on its own (your poor little doggie)
• she didn't exercise your dog as expected (out-bloody-ragious!)
• she didn't change the litter tray for the cat
• she didn't do her usual weekly clean because there is evidence of dust on surfaces/mirrors
• she took/drank a bottle of expensive wine without checking it was ok to do so first
• she has previously whipped out clothing items from the charity bag without checking with you first
• she acts as though she is you when speaking to delivery/work people
• chastises people for wearing shoes in your house (giving people the idea it's her home)

I think that just about covers it? Someone upthread (if you can find it amongst all the pathetic digs from certain posters) suggested some good wording in a text which you need to consider sending. Whilst I understand your reservations to confront her, she really shouldn't get away with this; you really need to tell her the reason she was 'let go'. If you can't bring yourself to do it, get your DH to do it! Such CF-ery!

To @Nestingbirds I feel your pain - we have been here, too, but years ago pre ring-doorbells. Mid-terrace house so neighbours quickly clocked the pre-paid, friend-recommended, animal-care-qualified, professional live-in dog-sitter was not only not living in, but only visiting for 45 minutes per day (relying on the dog flap to keep the house clean).
And using my car.
And not visiting the horses at all.
When we were away with work abroad for 8 days...
So the neighbours pitched in although she didn't know it.
My elderly dad came over and walked / sat with the dogs and she never knew...at the time.
They only told us when we got back, after she had texted to ask if I wanted her to strip the bed (she had never used). She usually sat big detached country houses so probably had got away with it lots of times.
I phoned her and just read her the list of the days and times she had visited. Then pointed out the dogs belonged to the RSPCA and I was setting them onto her for neglect. Then made her phone my dad and grovel because he had been doing her job. It was horrible but I can't stand people taking advantage of those who are silent and vulnerable - tiny children, animals, very elderly, very disabled etc. I wanted her to think twice about doing this again.
Within a day she sent a cheque for the full house-sitting costs but no apology.
What is key is other people's animals will suffer if this sort of thing passes quietly, especially if the pet-owner lives in a nice, secluded, detached home where the howling can't be heard. I told every petshop and vet in our area what had happened. It was a real betrayal of trust, but she knew exactly what she was doing.

You obviously dont live in a period property with lots of animals. You've been called out on your goadiness but still persist. What is your problem?

Or alternatively people who are capable of maintaining boundaries, managing employees and who wouldn’t leave their pets with anyone they weren’t absolutely 100% sure of.

I’d definitely mention that Mrs xx at number x called you over and asked if the dog was ok as she’d hear him crying/howling a couple of times over the weekend. Then ask if he settled ok. Her response will tell you everything you need to know

Not doing the cat litter all weekend is just awful

There is something very personal about managing people who come into your home. I’ve always been good at having tough conversations in a work setting but less so at home. I’ve also found a fair amount of people in service type roles have started to take the piss a bit over time. Eg you pay for 3 hours and get 21/2 or someone starts bringing a friend to help (who you have no background to) and instead of 3 hours you get 2 of them chatting for an hour and a half doing a worse job. People only seem to do that once they’ve got comfortable. I had one lady via an agency who was brilliant - she got a full time, permanent position and while I was gutted she left the agency, she totally deserved it. She was quite open that she had seen others take the piss and her view was if she was being paid by the hour, she was absolutely going to work that time. I then had someone from the same agency who did 1 1/2 instead of 3 hours and did a shit job. I left the agency.

The OP’s lady has got relaxed and a bit too comfortable and she’s broken trust and expectations. Of course she’s upset but I think it’s a useful lesson that once boundaries get blurred a bit, things can easily dip. I can’t be doing with it anymore. I’d rather just do it myself and not have the hassle of managing someone in the home.

OP I can't help but wonder whether you were a bit naive. Boundaries got blurred a long time ago and it doesn't seem this was an entirely professional relationship. Just as a tip for next time.

That obv doesn't give her the right to betray your trust and not honour agreements. Once you have told her that she won't be coming back you'll probably feel so much better for standing your ground. I was in a similar situation where I had to let go of a fantastic cleaner because she couldn't see that you don't wash an electrical appliance under running water. She couldn't see her mistake and tried to dismiss me for mentioning it, so I couldn't risk having her back for safety reasons.

It was a pain and I thought about it for a long time because she was truly brilliant and I wouldn't find another one like her and I haven't. But I was glad I did make the decision for myself and you may just have to manage your next cleaner a bit more because she may not be as a brilliant. My current lady is totally fine, but standards slip, is glued to her phone some days and she needs to be told a few things every now and then. But she's 100pc reliable.

I don't know why you've been given such a hard time here - I imagine you're feeling hurt, anxious and upset - finding out you've put all the things that are most precious to you - your home and your animals - into the hands of someone neglectful and untrustworthy. It must feel horrible now, but at least you know, and will feel SO much better once you've got rid of her... 🤗

I hate people who, when you treat them with gentleness and respect, instead of meeting you with the same energy, think 'Great! Here's a mug I can intimidate and take advantage of!' 😡

This is spot on, she was amazing when she started. So efficient. Then came the long conversations on the phone during work hours (we stopped that) then watching films as she was working and burning clothes (we stopped that and she now listens to music) and many other issues, but the general slide in attention and boundaries has happened, and addressing every last issue without fracturing the relationship entirely - we took the position of choosing our battles.

I definitely could have been much stronger with her - but it is my home and I need to relax. I don’t want to have to peck away. I accept some responsibility for this, by ‘sticking with it ‘ rather than just replacing her when it became obvious. Wanting to keep her happy rather than questioning whether we are happy with her work. I have a lot of reflection to do.

I did just pop in and thank my neighbour. Who explained she was worried about our dog, and wanted to let us know. What a lovely neighbour!

It seems from the whole footage she showed me that the dog hasn’t even been walked once. Not once.

And we added up that she has spent one afternoon in our home, and that’s all. The rest of the time she can be seen leaving all day, apart from when her friend is here. She would come back around 5/6pm and order what looks like deliveroo. My dog was left for the whole time.

Seeing it all like that, and her total indifference has made me realise I can never have her back. Dh had said maybe could switch to just cleaning only, with a few conditions but no my trust in her has gone entirely.

Whoa OP, I am furious for you. Your poor animals stuck in all day and the cat having to use a filthy toilet. What an absolute witch, I hope you let her have both barrels.

No, you can't possibly have her in your house now, I agree. What an appalling betrayal of trust.

I normally just said "No", when asked whether I had children, because the stepchildren were adults with their own partners when I married their father. If the topic of grandchildren comes up, then I'll mention the step-grandchild.

Accoutrements? What absolute nonsense. 😂

Why the hostility towards the concept of someone simply outsourcing some of their chores to make their lives easier?

Ignoring the rest of her behaviour, just her cynical approach to your dog would have been enough for me. She worked out that by offering to look after her, while having no intention of actually doing so, she could have the run of your house for a long weekend. Awful, callous behaviour. I just hope she managed to feed your dog, at the very least.

I'm not a fan of confrontation, but where ill-treatment of animals is concerned I can be very confrontational indeed.

Get rid..trust is gone.

The cat litter not being changed over the whole period and the dog never once being walked would do it for me. Awful woman.

I hope all those posters who called your neighbour "nosy" are eating their words now.

Your neighbour sounds great and entirely the kind needed in society who will pick up that something isn't right and DO SOMETHING about it. Not just sit there and think "ooh that doesn't look right" and carry on their day.

Your poor animals, what a disgusting person your ex cleaner is 😡

For those who mentioned class envy or the like...No, it's not that at all.

I can see it from both sides. I have a working class background. Mum was a housekeeper for a retired couple for 13 years. (Later, she did factory work. Dad was a coalminer.)

When I was a full time middle manager in a school I couldn't cope with doing all the work at my parents' home plus my own home workload. (DH was poorly.)

I had carers and cleaners helping out at my parents, but still had a lot to do myself. As others have said, it's a mistake to blur boundaries - it makes it harder to deal with difficult situations.

Oh no, that's far worse than I originally thought. What a monster to have not even walked your dog once! You need to leave an honest review, so others can be aware before booking her. There's a lot of trust allowing someone into your home, when you're not there, especially entrusted with pet care.

You're doing exactly the right thing OP. Get everything straight in your mind about what you want to say, have someone supportive with you and tell her you don't want her back to your house again. Keep it simple. Don't get drawn in to arguments. I'd focus on the 1 most obviously thing. If you're absolutely sure that your dog wasn't walked and you had specifically agreed that s/he would be walked, stick with that as the reason and leave all the other stuff. The aim is to get your key back and get her off your premises.

Thank you for sharing your own shocking stories of this kind, because it makes me feel a little less like we are naive fools, as it seems to happen to others as well.

I am just about to contact her now. I feel sick to my stomach with nerves and stress. I can’t imagine this is going to go well, maybe it’s going to be harder if she genuinely apologises. Almost worse. So just planning how I will deal with each eventuality.

My anger seems to have deserted me, just when I needed it!

The one thing I am holding on to, she would never ever allow this in her own life and home. She is very very forthright, and wouldn’t stand for any of this, but she thinks it’s okay for us to put with it 😡😡

Wish me luck

You've got this. Ignore all the ridiculous victim blaming that people did earlier. This woman is a lying skank and she's lucky you're not pressing charges.