Page 6 | AIBU to want DH to visit me in hospital even though I was only there for tests?

Cantgetnopeace · 2025-10-26T22:46:01+00:00

Just that really. He asked me if I wanted him to visit me. I did what I usually do and put his time/comfort etc. ahead of my own. I was only in for 2 nights. He was away at until 4pm the first day so I told him not to call as he would have been tired. He asked the second day if he should call and I said it was ok that I didn’t need anything. YABU he asked and you said no and you shouldn't expect him to visit in that case. YANBU he should still have called to see if you were ok or just to bring a magazine or chocolates. For context I would have been with him to make sure he was ok. I wouldn’t have asked or wait for him to ask me.

CrazyGoatLady · 27/10/2025 09:44

Hons123 · 27/10/2025 09:39

I see what you mean. Somebody once said 'if you HAVE to say it, you don't have to say it', meaning people who really care don't need to be told. I've always thought that. But recently I have read and been told by many people that it is very manipulative to expect others to guess what you want. I am still firmly of the mind that if you do care, you don't need to be told what to do.

I'm autistic. My natural communication style is direct, and to also take people literally. It is beyond exhausting to have to second guess people all the time. I also want honest relationships in my life. Saying one thing and meaning another, in my head, is dishonest and not something you do with your loved ones.

BauhausOfEliott · 27/10/2025 09:48

PerkyCyanPoet · 27/10/2025 00:30

The point is, why did he ask? Would you not expect a spouse with no other commitments to be at the hospital without asking?

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No, I wouldn’t.

I’d expect them to ask what the patient wanted, because not everyone wants their spouse sitting by their bed for a couple of hours when they’re in hospital. I definitely wouldn’t want anyone visiting me if I was in hospital for two nights just having tests. I’d rather just be left alone.

Hons123 · 27/10/2025 09:49

CrazyGoatLady · 27/10/2025 09:44

I'm autistic. My natural communication style is direct, and to also take people literally. It is beyond exhausting to have to second guess people all the time. I also want honest relationships in my life. Saying one thing and meaning another, in my head, is dishonest and not something you do with your loved ones.

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So what do you do if you see an elderly person lying on the pavement, you come up to them and say 'Are you OK? Need help?' and they say 'no, I am fine, love' - do you just leave them lying on the pavement and keep walking because no instructions were issued to pick them up and phone an ambulance?

JLou08 · 27/10/2025 09:49

It annoys me when people act like this and play into the stereotype of women being complicated and expecting men to be mind readers. Just communicate your needs and wants like an adult.

CrazyGoatLady · 27/10/2025 10:12

Hons123 · 27/10/2025 09:49

So what do you do if you see an elderly person lying on the pavement, you come up to them and say 'Are you OK? Need help?' and they say 'no, I am fine, love' - do you just leave them lying on the pavement and keep walking because no instructions were issued to pick them up and phone an ambulance?

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Not an equivalent situation. You can see with your own eyes in that case that someone lying on the pavement is not fine! And I am also not going to ask "are you ok" because a) they obviously aren't and b) as a first aider that gives me no information to work with!

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2025 10:13

Hons123 · 27/10/2025 09:49

So what do you do if you see an elderly person lying on the pavement, you come up to them and say 'Are you OK? Need help?' and they say 'no, I am fine, love' - do you just leave them lying on the pavement and keep walking because no instructions were issued to pick them up and phone an ambulance?

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What a stupid comparison.

CorneliaCupp · 27/10/2025 10:18

Hons123 · 27/10/2025 09:39

I see what you mean. Somebody once said 'if you HAVE to say it, you don't have to say it', meaning people who really care don't need to be told. I've always thought that. But recently I have read and been told by many people that it is very manipulative to expect others to guess what you want. I am still firmly of the mind that if you do care, you don't need to be told what to do.

This makes no sense to me at all. Why would you not just say what you want?

CrazyGoatLady · 27/10/2025 10:41

CorneliaCupp · 27/10/2025 10:18

This makes no sense to me at all. Why would you not just say what you want?

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For me, clear communication and expectations IS care.

I want to do right by my loved ones, so I want them to tell me what they need so I can make those things happen, as far as possible. I also want them to understand how I need to be supported. Everyone is different. I need different support when I am ill to DH and my kids, for example.

Hons123 · 27/10/2025 11:02

CorneliaCupp · 27/10/2025 10:18

This makes no sense to me at all. Why would you not just say what you want?

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Some of us were brought up not to beg (aka ask what you want), no matter what. Also, what makes us different from animals is the ability to read social, non-verbal cues. I agree, this is a skill and a palaver, no question about that. Normal people are brought up not to bother others with their wants - they usually politely decline help/offers, even if they are in dire need. People used to be taught symbolism, from an early age, from school - how to understand great paintings, books, etc. But it is not taught anymore and we are becoming more primitive on the one hand and too trusting on the other 'it says there 'no additives', 'good for you', etc. etc. Again, I agree, it is irritating, unsettling, nerve-destroying to read cues constantly. Drives me mad and I am still unable to be sure I can do it.

Hons123 · 27/10/2025 11:05

JLou08 · 27/10/2025 09:49

It annoys me when people act like this and play into the stereotype of women being complicated and expecting men to be mind readers. Just communicate your needs and wants like an adult.

Can't agree more, but unfortunately it does not appear to work like that in real life - nobody says what they mean - hence Mumsnet's aibu section popularity.

BoxesBoxesEverywhere · 27/10/2025 11:05

HappyNewTaxYear · 26/10/2025 22:49

Do you know what ‘martyr’ means?

He asked, you said no. Why would he then go against what you said? How is the poor chap meant to know that when you said one thing, you actually meant the opposite?

This
Just say what you mean! Talk about confusing

CorneliaCupp · 27/10/2025 11:05

Hons123 · 27/10/2025 11:05

Can't agree more, but unfortunately it does not appear to work like that in real life - nobody says what they mean - hence Mumsnet's aibu section popularity.

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No, plenty of people do say what they mean, and take others at their word. Hence the confusion when people don't!

Hons123 · 27/10/2025 11:07

BauhausOfEliott · 27/10/2025 09:48

No, I wouldn’t.

I’d expect them to ask what the patient wanted, because not everyone wants their spouse sitting by their bed for a couple of hours when they’re in hospital. I definitely wouldn’t want anyone visiting me if I was in hospital for two nights just having tests. I’d rather just be left alone.

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Can't agree more - they would be sitting there uselessly, annoying the in-patient and the personnel, but the question is different - it is about the perceived lack of concern, i.e. like it is different if they rock up at the ward and have to be chased away from there by the in-patient - the end result is the same (patient alone) but the feeling is totally different.

whirlyhead · 27/10/2025 11:09

My husband was in hospital earlier this year and he specifically asked me not to visit. He just wanted to be left alone to feel crap so I followed his wishes. He was mainly sleeping anyway. I did pick him up though!

ForZanyAquaViewer · 27/10/2025 11:10

Hons123 · 27/10/2025 11:02

Some of us were brought up not to beg (aka ask what you want), no matter what. Also, what makes us different from animals is the ability to read social, non-verbal cues. I agree, this is a skill and a palaver, no question about that. Normal people are brought up not to bother others with their wants - they usually politely decline help/offers, even if they are in dire need. People used to be taught symbolism, from an early age, from school - how to understand great paintings, books, etc. But it is not taught anymore and we are becoming more primitive on the one hand and too trusting on the other 'it says there 'no additives', 'good for you', etc. etc. Again, I agree, it is irritating, unsettling, nerve-destroying to read cues constantly. Drives me mad and I am still unable to be sure I can do it.

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Some of us were brought up not to beg (aka ask what you want), no matter what.

You’re adults now. Learn.

Also, what makes us different from animals is the ability to read social, non-verbal cues.

I think you’ll find that most animals ONLY have social, non-verbal cues. What sets us apart is language and the ability to use it. So, use it.

Normal people are brought up not to bother others with their wants - they usually politely decline help/offers, even if they are in dire need.

Nope. Nothing ’normal’ about that.

BoxesBoxesEverywhere · 27/10/2025 11:11

Cantgetnopeace · 27/10/2025 00:03

I don’t think so. I just think he didn’t want the bother and was asking because he knew I’d say no. I think that if he actually wanted to call he would have without asking.

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Jeez, sorry but you're one of those exhausting people lol
I couldn't be doing with this.
He's asked - you said no. So now you're putting on imagined scenarios of what he must have really meant when he respected your wishes of you saying not to visit.
🤪Head fuck, just say with your words "yes would be nice to see you" if that's what you want!

CorneliaCupp · 27/10/2025 11:14

Hons123 · 27/10/2025 11:07

Can't agree more - they would be sitting there uselessly, annoying the in-patient and the personnel, but the question is different - it is about the perceived lack of concern, i.e. like it is different if they rock up at the ward and have to be chased away from there by the in-patient - the end result is the same (patient alone) but the feeling is totally different.

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My feeling in that situation would be annoyance they they hadn't respected my clearly stated wishes.

shhblackbag · 27/10/2025 11:14

ForZanyAquaViewer · 27/10/2025 11:10

Some of us were brought up not to beg (aka ask what you want), no matter what.

You’re adults now. Learn.

Also, what makes us different from animals is the ability to read social, non-verbal cues.

I think you’ll find that most animals ONLY have social, non-verbal cues. What sets us apart is language and the ability to use it. So, use it.

Normal people are brought up not to bother others with their wants - they usually politely decline help/offers, even if they are in dire need.

Nope. Nothing ’normal’ about that.

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Absolutely agree.

DarkForces · 27/10/2025 11:19

Hons123 · 27/10/2025 09:39

I see what you mean. Somebody once said 'if you HAVE to say it, you don't have to say it', meaning people who really care don't need to be told. I've always thought that. But recently I have read and been told by many people that it is very manipulative to expect others to guess what you want. I am still firmly of the mind that if you do care, you don't need to be told what to do.

I'd find it utterly disrespectful if dh ignored my expressed desires. He tries it occasionally and goes not appreciated. I don't play games and am a grown adult who expects to be listened to and I try to do the same for him

JFDIYOLO · 27/10/2025 11:19

I really hope you aren't going into a 'guess what's wrong' uncommunicative sulk.

If you're still in, all the best - and message him now to say 'I'm sorry, I should have said what I meant which was yes I WOULD like you to come and visit me today; seeing you would comfort me and make me feel better.'

If you're at home now, have a nice low key conversation letting him know you made a mistake and that in future you'll tell him what you need - and not expect him to be a mind reader.

Fingers crossed - we can be a bit irrational when we're frightened.

CreativeGreen · 27/10/2025 11:24

God yeah this would be exhausting. How's he supposed to know you actually meant he should visit you when you said he shouldn't? Can't bear it when people do this - everyone has to guess, and then the person who won't just actually say what they'd prefer gets to reserve the option of being in a massive mood when they don't get what they want. You don't have to be demanding, just honest about your preference.

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/10/2025 13:34

For everyone saying 'but he should know what she really wants if he cares at all'...

How is he to know what that is if she has consistently lied to him about what she feels/wants their entire relationship?

Have any of you read the myriad comments from people who would not automatically want a visit when in hospital, either at all, or in certain situations? Did you think we're all lying?