AIBU to want DH to visit me in hospital even though I was only there for tests?

[Cantgetnopeace]

Just that really. He asked me if I wanted him to visit me. I did what I usually do and put his time/comfort etc. ahead of my own. I was only in for 2 nights. He was away at until 4pm the first day so I told him not to call as he would have been tired. He asked the second day if he should call and I said it was ok that I didn’t need anything.

YABU he asked and you said no and you shouldn't expect him to visit in that case.

YANBU he should still have called to see if you were ok or just to bring a magazine or chocolates.

For context I would have been with him to make sure he was ok. I wouldn’t have asked or wait for him to ask me.

Yabu advocate for yourself and tell people what you want.

I was in hospital for an operation this year and in the morning of was asked multiple times if I wanted someone there and I said no I’ll get a taxi. I meant it. If someone had turned up to be with me I’d be annoyed as I was anxious and having someone there would make me worry about how they were feeling. Post Op different story I was half patching things up with an ex and literally said if your not there for me I’m done with this. I actually got out really late so was pushing visiting time, when I was half awake I managed to message to say I’m on the ward then a short while later he walked through the door and took the day off the following day to pick me up and take me home. People are not mind readers!

This. Absolutely this.

However, it’s never too late to change. You can’t change him (although it seems he can take instruction) but you can change yourself. Start advocating for yourself. Set boundaries. Remind yourself that you, too, are worthy of love and consideration, and tell him how to show you it.

I had serious surgery in a private hospital 20mins frim home last year and was in overnight. I was out of surgery by 11am and then collected 24hrs later.

It didn't occur to me that dh would do anything other than pick me up! I'm a grown adult. I texted him a few times and he texted back.

Mainly I wanted to sleep and cry. What use would he have been?

I would assume that DH would come and visit, and I’d likely message him to tell him what chocolate / sweets / drinks / other goodies I’d want him to bring. What I wouldn’t do is wait for him to ask then say no it’s ok then moan about it.

Think yourself lucky that he actually asked you if you wanted him to visit. You knocked him back, he took you at your word…….🤷‍♀️

Some years ago I was in hospital for a very lengthy period following major surgery……..much to the disgust of my now ex as he found it very inconvenient having to cook for himself when returning from work, couldn’t possibly spare the time to come and visit me, did I realise how expensive parking was at the hospital…………and was very angry when I’d phoned a neighbour to ask her to collect some clean underwear and nightwear for me! She was an absolute treasure…..he was a selfish jerk!

I think you’ve had a hard time on here. It’s really weird he asked, my DH wouldn’t ask, he would just visit so no you’re not being unreasonable. It was a strange thing he asked.

Difference is though he did ask about visiting and you said no. YABU

Stop playing silly girly games. He asked, you said no, he didn't visit. This "but he should have KNOWN how I felt" garbage is what causes stress in relationships. Don't be such a drama queen, and in future be clear what you want.

Have you always tried to rely on what you think he's thinking? Or did you manage to communicate properly at some points in your relationship? With grown up DC you must have been together too long to be playing the mind reading game card.

I don’t understand. You told him you didn’t want him to come, so he did as you asked and didn’t come, and now you’re cross that he didn’t come?

You’re a grown woman. Use your words.

Not everyone feels comfortable being in hospital and wanting visits. This could be for any number of reasons.
He asked, you said no so he took it at face value.
Definitely be clearer in the future.

I get where you’re coming from… you want him to want to visit you. I agree he should have done, but men are also simple and lazy!!

He asked you, you said no. So on that basis you’re being unreasonable to have expected a visit anyway.

I voted YABU, but now it’s sounding more nuanced. You are right that if it was me in hospital, the discussion wouldn’t be IF DH was visiting, it would be what time would be best to fit round childcare etc

Also, if your DH said ‘I’m going to be exhausted getting back from work trip at 4pm and then having an early start again in the morning. Do you need me to visit you in the evening as well?’ Then I can see how you now feel manipulated into putting him first & annoyed that he didn’t prioritise your feelings.

I think you should look a bit more carefully at your everyday life:
a) Is your DH often selfish?
b) Do you allow or encourage this by not being clear about what you actually want to happen?

Being a People Pleaser isn’t something to say to excuse yourself of blame, it’s recognising a character flaw that you need to work on. Hope all your test were ok. 💐

He would ask, because if you are in for tests you could be here there and everywhere or being attended to and visitors not allowed at any time.

But if he asked and I was pissed off because he asked I certainly wouldn't set him some kind of stupid test by saying no and then blaming him for not turning up!

So you wanted him to do the opposite of what you said to do. Make it make sense.

If he was deliberately avoiding visiting then I'd want to know why. My DH has a hospital phobia, it can even trigger an epileptic fit (I've seen them, he's not faking).

If he's just a selfish prick, you either need to dump him or start stating very clearly what you want.
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Deleted.

Exactly this. It was a trap, where he was set up to be in the wrong whatever he did.

From my experience with people who play these games, if he hadn't asked and had just turned up, he would also have been wrong for not checking first. And if he didn't turn up, obviously he would be wrong. There is no way to please a martyr because the pleasure is in the feeling hard done by.

So many women are martyrs in so many ways on MN it makes me feel stabby, no wonder some men take the piss. They know that the p/w will just get on with it regardless then moan afterwards. Christmas, birthday parties and general hosting.
Open your adult woman's mouth and ASK.

It can also come from a desperate desire for the other person to prove they need to see them so much that they will recognise that they said no because they thought it would be easier for the partner and take no notice.

I have a close relative who alternates between the martyr behaviour where she wants you to be in the wrong and the desperate-for- proof- you- love-me behaviour.

Both are utterly exhausting and I withdrew from the game a long time ago.

We would have a conversation about it and agree what was going to happen. I probably wouldn’t want to be visited because I’d want to rest so my husband wouldn’t visit me. He probably would want to be visited so I would visit him. We’re different people who want different things. The important thing is that we communicate clearly with each other.

You say you said no because you think he was only asking in the hope that you’d say no so that he wouldn’t have to bother. This isn’t healthy at all. It’s only a little thing, but stuff like this can cause resentment to build up. You need to be open and honest with each other.

You've had a lot of responses, the vast majority saying tell him what you want and don't expect him to guess.

Especially don't expect him to realise your no meant yes, when we're trying to get the message across to men that no means no, and he may be working on that premise because for him the message has landed.

Stop brooding and mourning over the fact he wasn't able to read your mind and do the opposite of what you want. You're stuck down a hole there and need to climb out.

From now on, tell him clearly what you want and need from him.

If you then get it you'll both be a hell of a lot happier.

If you don't - THEN you'll have reason for complaint.

‘No…don’t mind me, I’ll be ok

I would visit as would my husband, no question.
No distance and no childcare issues.
He shouldn't have asked.
Very poor from him.

Has he form for doing the least he can?
Do you have form for not putting him out?

Bad dynamic. Thankless.
Should you become unwell it will make the switch to a caring considerate spouse very difficult.

Start putting him out. Otherwise what is the point of him?

I see what you mean. Somebody once said 'if you HAVE to say it, you don't have to say it', meaning people who really care don't need to be told. I've always thought that. But recently I have read and been told by many people that it is very manipulative to expect others to guess what you want. I am still firmly of the mind that if you do care, you don't need to be told what to do.