AIBU to want DH to visit me in hospital even though I was only there for tests?

[Cantgetnopeace]

Just that really. He asked me if I wanted him to visit me. I did what I usually do and put his time/comfort etc. ahead of my own. I was only in for 2 nights. He was away at until 4pm the first day so I told him not to call as he would have been tired. He asked the second day if he should call and I said it was ok that I didn’t need anything.

YABU he asked and you said no and you shouldn't expect him to visit in that case.

YANBU he should still have called to see if you were ok or just to bring a magazine or chocolates.

For context I would have been with him to make sure he was ok. I wouldn’t have asked or wait for him to ask me.

Yes, see it as a learning experience. Don’t say the opposite of what you want and then get cross when the person isn’t psychic and takes you at your word. You end up full of suppressed rage.

But lots of people would be perfectly happy to spend two nights in hospital without a visit. So it isn’t unreasonable or strange to check first. I wouldn’t say it’s fair to just assume that someone will want you to come.

I adore my DP but I wouldn’t need, or want, him to visit me for a two-night stay in hospital for tests. Not everyone does, so it’s perfectly OK for the OP’s husband to ask what she’d prefer.

When I’m ill I want to be left alone so if I’d have told my husband not to visit and he did then I’d be pissed off!

If you wanted him to visit you should have said. Or if you were worried he was very very busy then you could have said if you can visit I’d appreciate it but if not I understand. If you have that type of relationship of course.

My husband and and I are both very bloody busy. But we would definitely try (and most likely succeed) to make time if one of us was in hospital, unless they specifically said don’t come.

Communication is key here.
I think you need to communicate better.
Let him know your expectations.
You said no he complied so I can't see what there is to be annoyed about.

I am with you OP, I would have expected a spouse not to even ask if they need to come to see you in hospital.. they should just be there (excluding other commitments obv!). Surely that’s the bare minimum.

You weren't annoyed at the time and you say you weren't testing him.

So you, yourself, were apparently happy at the time that he wasn't visiting. You were fine with that.

But you are expecting him to have worked out that two days later you would be cross about it. He should have predicted that when you didn't.

Yeah that's not reasonable.

but hope everything is okay with your tests OP. Possibly this is the stress/worry coming out? 💐

I would have a conversation about whether I was coming, he wanted me to come etc etc, waht time to come, whether I needed anything etc etc

I wouldnt gaslight by saying no dont come and then resenting the fact he didnt come and then probably express this somehow in my demeanour which is undoubtedly what will have been happening.

That’s what I’m thinking 🤷‍♀️

A vast majority of posters tell you you’re being unreasonable and you respond to the one that tells you you’re not… says it all!

I don’t think so. I just think he didn’t want the bother and was asking because he knew I’d say no. I think that if he actually wanted to call he would have without asking.

I’ve already responded in general to all posters that said IAMBU. As you say the vast majority of posts say I’m BU. I would need hours to answer them all individually.

Tired because he was away until 4pm - that's just after the middle of the afternoon.
He had the rest of the afternoon and the whole evening free.

There you go again, second-guessing someone and assuming something is being coded, other than the actual question that is being asked.

I, for instance, absolutely loathe being visited in hospital. I feel like shit, and no up for company. So when someone asks I say ‘God, no’ and expect them to take me at my word, not assume I didn’t mean it and show up anyway. Just as when I say I don’t want a cup of tea, I don’t expect the person to think I’m just refusing out of politeness because I can’t possibly mean what I say, and produce a three-course meal, because that’s what I must secretly want.

Your life would be so much better if you expressed clearly what you actually wanted, and not get cross when people do what you actually tell them you want.

I've been through A&E a lot with my DP over the last two years and he has had lots of admissions. I only ask about visiting so his family, who are still working, get to see him. He has been in for serious/life threatening reasons. It's strange he asked, unless you were on oxygen/needed rest. It is strange that he wouldn't automatically go in. But i'd see it as a bonus. I go on breaks, alone and babysit in my DD's house, so i'd use him not being there to make the point he can't suddenly decide he'd miss me when it suuts.

And the whole of the following day.

I answered that question going on many previous experiences. I didn't just guess it.

Examine why you are cutting him so much slack and why you put your wants last. Make the changes you want. If it is festeting, adk him why he didn't automatically want to visit. Are you saying that he didn't even phone or text either?

But why say you don’t want a visit when you want one, and then blame him for taking you at your word?

The point is, why did he ask? Would you not expect a spouse with no other commitments to be at the hospital without asking?

No, because as has been pointed out, lots of people don’t actually want visitors for a very short hospital stay.

I was in ITU for 10 days this summer, and DH came and saw me most days (despite being on holiday from work, and his place of work being the very hospital I was in!) However, there were a couple of days when I was all visited out, and asked everyone to stay away - I would have been irritated if he'd turned up on those days, having been asked not to.

@Cantgetnopeace I suspect that despite having told your DH not to bother, once you were actually in hospital, perhaps feeling lonely and a little vulnerable, you felt that actually, you would have rather liked him to have popped by. The trouble is, you didn't tell him! I wonder if you had called your DH when you realised you would have liked to have seen him, would he have come?

Men are very simple creatures. He asked you said no. He isnt going to overthink it or read between the lines. He is going to take it at face value, as he should. Yes you would go without asking but us women are just built different unfortunately

Were these pre-booked tests or in response to an emergent situation?

There’s a big difference between planned testing for a well person, and “we aren’t sure what’s wrong so we are keeping you in for tests”

“Lots of people” is a stretch, about 3 posters have said that 😂

And actually, two nights in hospital isn’t a very short stay. I’d be very concerned if any of my loved ones were in hospital for two nights, that’s not a common occurrence.

He asked, you said no. On that basid YABU.
However you both sound as though you have communication problems.

If it were two days for yests, I'd probably tell dh not.to bother. However, if I needed him to advocate for me or to bring something I'd forgotten, I'd want him to help and would be clear.