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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want DH to visit me in hospital even though I was only there for tests?

147 replies

Cantgetnopeace · 26/10/2025 22:46

Just that really. He asked me if I wanted him to visit me. I did what I usually do and put his time/comfort etc. ahead of my own. I was only in for 2 nights. He was away at until 4pm the first day so I told him not to call as he would have been tired. He asked the second day if he should call and I said it was ok that I didn’t need anything.

YABU he asked and you said no and you shouldn't expect him to visit in that case.

YANBU he should still have called to see if you were ok or just to bring a magazine or chocolates.

For context I would have been with him to make sure he was ok. I wouldn’t have asked or wait for him to ask me.

OP posts:
dogsnuggles · 27/10/2025 00:56

Cantgetnopeace · 26/10/2025 23:17

All of you that have said IABU would your husbands ask if you wanted them to visit if you were in hospital or would they just turn up? Would you not visit your husbands if they were in hospital? Or have you not been in the situation?

Not my husband but one of my grown children is going into hospital soon. I was talking about visiting arrangements and what they are saying is making me think that maybe they're not just trying to be considerate of me (it's a bit of a drive), but maybe they actually want some quiet space when in there. Maybe your DH started thinking the same thing? I don't think it's unreasonable he was asking what you want because he was probably trying to make sure it worked best for you while you were in there. You said no, so he didn't visit. Next time work out an actual plan.

SwingTheMonkey · 27/10/2025 00:57

PerkyCyanPoet · 27/10/2025 00:50

“Lots of people” is a stretch, about 3 posters have said that 😂

And actually, two nights in hospital isn’t a very short stay. I’d be very concerned if any of my loved ones were in hospital for two nights, that’s not a common occurrence.

Show quote history

Not everyone wants visitors. Some people, even loving partners, will ask if their partner wants them to visit. Perhaps because they themselves would prefer peace and quiet in hospital? There’s simple way to avoid being upset and that’s to communicate your wishes, like an adult.

Original poster
Cantgetnopeace · 27/10/2025 00:58

I’m obviously not getting something here but I am willing to admit that that’s on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantgetnopeace · 27/10/2025 00:59

dogsnuggles · 27/10/2025 00:56

Not my husband but one of my grown children is going into hospital soon. I was talking about visiting arrangements and what they are saying is making me think that maybe they're not just trying to be considerate of me (it's a bit of a drive), but maybe they actually want some quiet space when in there. Maybe your DH started thinking the same thing? I don't think it's unreasonable he was asking what you want because he was probably trying to make sure it worked best for you while you were in there. You said no, so he didn't visit. Next time work out an actual plan.

Show quote history

Yes. I’ll make a plan next time and not just expect him to visit without asking.

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 27/10/2025 01:16

Dear God woman practise using your words. It seems to me you’re about 5 years away from this man knowing you would like a visit because you’ve never told him you have feelings and opinions. Practice!!!
‘id really appreciate a visit.’
could you make me a cup of tea? I’d like us to go for a walk.
why yes a phone call would be really nice, it’s quite the solitary confinement here.
‘what I need from you is… ‘
’you will have to … ‘ in relation to anything - him: I’ve asked Sarah and Bob for dinner Saturday. ‘Ok what you will have to do is vacuum the house and clean the bathrooms then help for a couple of hours in the kitchen doing exactly what I tell you, unless you want to take over on the food side. Do you still want to have them around?’

Eenameenadeeka · 27/10/2025 01:22

I wonder if your upset that he asked, because you feel like he should have come in without being asked, and you feel disappointed that he didn't just know that you wanted him there. I do still think you're unreasonable for saying no when you wanted to say yes, and I wonder if it's worth looking at why you feel like you put his comfort over your own wants rather than speaking up for yourself.

Chickensky · 27/10/2025 01:31

Cantgetnopeace · 27/10/2025 00:59

Yes. I’ll make a plan next time and not just expect him to visit without asking.

Show quote history

Yes plan for what you will need. He hasn't done anything wrong by meeting you at your word. It seems to be tests were non emergency and I hope the results are good for you.

On the other hand, I have a husband going for relatively serious tests and ask him if he wants me to accompany him and told "no I am fine on my own". My intuition is to be there for these tests but my husband prefers me not to be. I respect that, if the roles were reversed he would be there with me at my request.

If it is an emergency situation we would both be there in person.

Peoplecoveredinfish · 27/10/2025 01:53

I get you OP.

There is a huge difference between care and affection that is freely offered and care that you had to extract by asking for it. Affection you don’t have to define and request feels a lot more authentic, because it’s what someone chose to give you, not the minimum you can manage on that they feel they must.

if it’s a general thing, and not a one off, I’d be quite thoughtful about it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 27/10/2025 02:00

There is a difference though in a planned hospital stay for tests and being in because you are being treated for something. You won't need anything because you will have taken everything you need with you, and you won't know what time you are having the tests, so he could have turned up at 5pm and sat around for 2 hours while you are in a different part of the hospital having tests. I would probably ask my partner if he wanted me to visit and if he said no I wouldn't bother, I would most likely say give me a ring when you have chance, let me know how it's going

ItsNotMeEither · 27/10/2025 02:01

I’ve been in hospital a lot. We live 5 mins from one hospital and 15 mins from the other. DH will come any time I want or need him. He would never come without checking first because sometimes I’m exhausted or just plain want to be left alone.

This is on you, unless your husband is a certified mind reader.

SwingTheMonkey · 27/10/2025 02:02

Peoplecoveredinfish · 27/10/2025 01:53

I get you OP.

There is a huge difference between care and affection that is freely offered and care that you had to extract by asking for it. Affection you don’t have to define and request feels a lot more authentic, because it’s what someone chose to give you, not the minimum you can manage on that they feel they must.

if it’s a general thing, and not a one off, I’d be quite thoughtful about it.

She didn’t have to ask him. He was thinking about her when he asked if she wanted him to visit. All she had to do was respond to his question with an honest answer, instead of playing silly games.

ilovepuppies2019 · 27/10/2025 02:48

I think that you're hurt that he didn't want to visit - I would be as well. A core purpose of a partner is being there for you when you're ill or frightened. As there are no childcare issues then I would certainly expect that the would be there - what else could be more important? The problem though is that he did ask you and you said no. If you said no then he's entitled to think that you must actively not want him there which is also possible. He might be a black and white thinker so be very clear in the future that of course you expect him to be there because where else would he be? My mum was in hospital recently and it didn't occur to me to ask if she wanted visitors. I just went down everyday after work. I would expect even more from a partner.

ButPizzafirst · 27/10/2025 02:50

I didn't want to read and run but for what it's worth i would have done the same as you. I am a people pleaser and wouldn't want to feel like a burden or put husband out by asking him or telling him to visit. I am also of the mind set of if he wanted to he would. I would want him to want to visit if that makes sense. I would want him to care enough and use initiative to think I have known my wife x number of years and she is the type of person that would appreciate a visit.

However, I have had to learn this lesson the hard way too. My husband is the opposite of us and would not think that way. He wouldn't offer to come or just turn up. He would say if you wanted me to visit you should have asked, I can't read your mind. It drives me mad as we think differently and I want to be thought about not feel like im asking all the time.

Newnamehiwhodis · 27/10/2025 03:46

A gentleman won’t push past your “no.” You really need to learn to only say no if you mean it! If he can’t come, he won’t offer. I used to have this problem, and I really had to learn about boundaries and being comfortable being honest with what I needed and wanted. It’s not a sign of love or something if he shows up anyway, even though you said no …
he took you at your word.

BallerinaRadio · 27/10/2025 05:02

Cantgetnopeace · 27/10/2025 00:03

I don’t think so. I just think he didn’t want the bother and was asking because he knew I’d say no. I think that if he actually wanted to call he would have without asking.

Show quote history

There's a lot of thinking and assuming going on here, when the one thing that is for certain is you told him you didn't want him to come.

StewkeyBlue · 27/10/2025 05:07

Of course he should be assuming that he will visit, and telling you “I’ll come and see you at x o’clock”.

And if he asks you should say “yes please visit me, I don’t need anything bringing but I will be missing you”

Is he normally inattentive and uninterested in you?

Do you normally do this act of ‘not putting him out’ ?

Time to talk about the way you each communicate.

Tell him you felt hurt that he didn’t naturally want to visit or assume that the default was a visit.

notthisagain2025 · 27/10/2025 05:09

He's used to you being a doormat and having to only do the bare minimum, or not even that. We teach people how to treat us.

pinkbackground · 27/10/2025 05:13

You said no but meant yes. Hes not a mind reader. Stop playing games and just say what you mean.

EarnestBull · 27/10/2025 05:16

Op will you speak to him now and let him know how you are feeling? Hope the test were ok.

Hardhats · 27/10/2025 05:25

Stop giving mixed messages, no one is a mind reader.

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/10/2025 05:38

Say what you mean, mean what you say.

I would absolutely ask someone if they wanted a visit, whether thats my partner, my sister, whoever really.

I know a LOT of people who do NOT want visits or calls - they're not well, they're on lots of medication, they're in pain and don't want people seeing them like that, they're in and out for tests and may not even be on the ward, they'd feel more relaxed and able to get better knowing everything at home is safe and someones there in charge.

That in no way means I don't care about them or want to know how they're doing but the person in hospital comes before the person not in hospital.

When I am in hospital, as long as I have what I need, I am fine without visits for several days, after about day 4 I do start to get a bit bored of messaging vs chatting but again it depends what I am in for, how much pain, what meds etc.

There are also certain people I would want to talk to (via phone, messenger or in person) and certain people I would not. My best mate is the same - she'll happily waffle to me whilst off her tits on strong pain meds but definitely has other people in her life she would not want to talk to like that. She knows I don't care if shes talking total biscuits or falls asleep on me and doesn't get in touch for another two days... it's all good!

I'd talk to her, my partner, couple of other friends - I absolutely wouldn't speak to my sister until I was home as she absolutely pecks my head with her endless catastrophising!

Tell your husband how you actually feel. No good comes of expecting people to second guess or understand that some no's actually mean yes!

Lurkingandlearning · 27/10/2025 05:42

Cantgetnopeace · 26/10/2025 23:02

Ok. I get it. IABU. I only told him not to call to me so it wouldn’t put him out. It wasn’t testing him. I thought nothing of it at the time. I’ve been thinking about it for a few days and it’s just annoying me. I get it. I should have said yes. Maybe I’m more annoyed at myself than him.

Yes, if someone asks a question we should always answer honestly and if we don’t we shouldn’t then get resentful when they take us at our word.

But I got the impression you’re upset that he asked in the first place, that coming to see you wasn’t the natural thing for him to do without asking. Why wouldn’t you want to see him? Even if you were there for tests that is still a worrying situation. Staying in hospital is a horrible experience, they are horrible places. Going to visit someone I cared about for an hour wouldn’t be too inconvenient for me when they are stuck there overnight.

I’m guessing it boils down to him knowing you well enough to know that you will tell him not to inconvenience himself and you knowing that had he wanted to come to make your stay a little better he would have just done so without asking. That you know he won’t willingly offer you comfort and support if it means putting himself out

tilypu · 27/10/2025 05:53

Cantgetnopeace · 27/10/2025 00:58

I’m obviously not getting something here but I am willing to admit that that’s on me.

If you had said yes when he asked, and he didn't visit (i.e. didn't do as you asked), you would have been annoyed, right? Because he hasn't done as you asked?

But you said no. And you are annoyed that he did do as you asked.

What you don't seem to be getting is this guy respected your wishes. If you changed your mind, tell him.

Imo it's much more respectful to ask if someone wants a visit, and then to do as they ask, than to just turn up without checking first, or to turn up after being told not to.

DarkForces · 27/10/2025 06:00

If you go in again just tell him: I was a bit lonely last time and regret turning down your offer to visit me. Please can you come in this time? I'd love to see you and it would mean a lot to me.

Blanketenvy · 27/10/2025 06:08

The thing is I wouldn't want a visit so if I was asked that would be my answer and I wouldn't expect anyone to push that unless I was seriously unwell so it sounds like he was just taking you at your word. It was only a couple of days.