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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want DH to visit me in hospital even though I was only there for tests?

147 replies

Cantgetnopeace · 26/10/2025 22:46

Just that really. He asked me if I wanted him to visit me. I did what I usually do and put his time/comfort etc. ahead of my own. I was only in for 2 nights. He was away at until 4pm the first day so I told him not to call as he would have been tired. He asked the second day if he should call and I said it was ok that I didn’t need anything.

YABU he asked and you said no and you shouldn't expect him to visit in that case.

YANBU he should still have called to see if you were ok or just to bring a magazine or chocolates.

For context I would have been with him to make sure he was ok. I wouldn’t have asked or wait for him to ask me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantgetnopeace · 26/10/2025 23:17

All of you that have said IABU would your husbands ask if you wanted them to visit if you were in hospital or would they just turn up? Would you not visit your husbands if they were in hospital? Or have you not been in the situation?

OP posts:
SwingTheMonkey · 26/10/2025 23:18

It doesn’t matter what other husbands would do. Some would ask, some would just turn up. Yours asked and you said no. This is entirely on you.

Evaka · 26/10/2025 23:21

You're being very unreasonable OP, even in your last response. I would visit DP if he wanted me to, and I'd find that out by asking.

You said you put your husband's needs and comfort above yours but I'll bet he needs clearer communication than he gets and would be comforted by a straight answer.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 26/10/2025 23:22

I think you have to knock of the martyrdom OP, no one is too tired to call their partner in hospital.

Don't play these games, just say say want you want or don't want like the adult you are. He sounds a bit hopeless but if he's constantly trying to second guess Ms Oh Don't Worry About Me that is some excuse.

Hope the tests go ok.

TeaAndTattoos · 26/10/2025 23:22

YABU unless you married a mind reader you should’ve told him yes you wanted him to come in instead of saying no and then fuming about it after the fact you’re just being childish. Poor bloke can’t do right for doing wrong. Next time don’t play games just tell that you would like to see him it’s that simple. I ended up in hospital in June after a fall my DH didn’t even wait for
me to tell him what ward I was on he used the life 360 to find me brought some stuff in for me and then went to the shop for me. He waited in hospital all day with when I had my operation and was sat beside me when I woke up.

Thatweegirl · 26/10/2025 23:23

I think it's really weird that he asked. Unless there are childcare or transport other specific reasons why visiting would be difficult I would expect my husband to visit me in hospital. For me visiting your partner in hospital is a given. So I can understand being annoyed that he even asked, I would be hurt by this.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 26/10/2025 23:23

Cantgetnopeace · 26/10/2025 23:17

All of you that have said IABU would your husbands ask if you wanted them to visit if you were in hospital or would they just turn up? Would you not visit your husbands if they were in hospital? Or have you not been in the situation?

He might ask if he thought it was possible I just wanted some peace for a night, and I would say yes or no depending on what I wanted.

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/10/2025 23:24

Cantgetnopeace · 26/10/2025 23:17

All of you that have said IABU would your husbands ask if you wanted them to visit if you were in hospital or would they just turn up? Would you not visit your husbands if they were in hospital? Or have you not been in the situation?

My husband would just turn up or at least ask what time would be best but if he did ask and I wanted him there? I wouldn't say the opposite. My response would be ''why are you asking? Of course you'll be visiting''.

If I told him not to come, he'd also listen and not come. He wouldn't go against what I said.

Lavender14 · 26/10/2025 23:27

This is a lose lose op. Really what happened was that you were annoyed he asked instead of just landing to see you so you said no don't bother, don't want to be a bother hoping he'd do differently.

You were unreasonable for not calling him out in the first place for having to ask if that annoyed you or disappointed you instead of doubling down that it didn't matter. So now you've made it harder for yourself to go back to him about asking instead of just landing which is what bothered you in the first place.

Is your communication as a couple normally this poor? Is he normally this lazy about showing care or affection towards you?

SwingTheMonkey · 26/10/2025 23:27

It’s not as simple as a ‘good’ husband just turning up and a ‘bad’ husband asking beforehand. My husband would just assume he was visiting. My dad, on the other hand, is neurodivergent and would ask if my mum wanted him to come. Neither are ‘bad’ husbands.

Uggo · 26/10/2025 23:27

Cantgetnopeace · 26/10/2025 23:17

All of you that have said IABU would your husbands ask if you wanted them to visit if you were in hospital or would they just turn up? Would you not visit your husbands if they were in hospital? Or have you not been in the situation?

When I’m in for short stays, dh has asked and I’ve answered honestly yes or no, ditto for him.

edwinbear · 26/10/2025 23:28

I was in hospital for a week after I had a prolapse repair. DH didn’t visit, he was at home looking after 2 x under 3 DC’s. If I’d needed something or asked him to visit he’d have happily come, but I didn’t feel the need. We spoke, obviously, and I would have asked if I’d needed or wanted him to come. (Although it would have been bloody chaos with DC in tow!)

ForZanyAquaViewer · 26/10/2025 23:29

Cantgetnopeace · 26/10/2025 23:17

All of you that have said IABU would your husbands ask if you wanted them to visit if you were in hospital or would they just turn up? Would you not visit your husbands if they were in hospital? Or have you not been in the situation?

My husband would just turn up. However, you don’t have my husband. You have yours. And he you a direct question, then did as you’d asked. So, YABU.

FrodoBiggins · 26/10/2025 23:30

Cantgetnopeace · 26/10/2025 23:17

All of you that have said IABU would your husbands ask if you wanted them to visit if you were in hospital or would they just turn up? Would you not visit your husbands if they were in hospital? Or have you not been in the situation?

He would ask, tbf would probably ask "when shall I come" not "shall I come" IF I was in because I was unwell.

If I was in but I was not unwell I think he'd probably only visit if I asked him to, which I might or might not depending on how bored I was.

CrazyGoatLady · 26/10/2025 23:34

Why do people do this? I genuinely do not understand this behaviour - why say you don't want him to visit when you do, and then why would you be mad at him for respecting your wishes? Some people don't like visitors when in hospital, they want privacy. If someone says no they don't want it, then I assume this is their wish and I should abide by it. Maybe I'll say to them you can let me know if you change your mind, but I'm not going to force a visit on someone who says no!

Shutuptrevor · 26/10/2025 23:35

Cantgetnopeace · 26/10/2025 23:17

All of you that have said IABU would your husbands ask if you wanted them to visit if you were in hospital or would they just turn up? Would you not visit your husbands if they were in hospital? Or have you not been in the situation?

We would, and have, both been at each other’s bedsides as much as we were able to when the other one was in hospital. But we talked it through in advance and both agreed that was what we wanted.

Conniebygaslight · 26/10/2025 23:39

I can’t believe your DH asked you if you wanted him to visit…! Is he trying to give you the responsibility of him visiting and you then feeling guilty for asking him?
I’d just assume my DH would visit as would he.
What is your marriage like generally OP?

AltitudeCheck · 26/10/2025 23:42

If I was away for 2 nights I wouldn't expect my OH to visit me, tbh we wouldn't always call each other during a short break away. I would only expect a visit if I asked him to bring me something or if I said there was bad news/ an invasive test/ I was seriously ill etc

JFDIYOLO · 26/10/2025 23:42

He asked you what you wanted. What you WANTED. And he did that. The poor sod. Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.

They aren't mind readers and they can be shit at empathy and considering others' feelings.

But yours really asked what you wanted. And went with that.

Hopefully you don't do the 'oh I don't want anything ... Don't want a fuss ... Let's not bother with presents' mind games over birthdays and Christmas and anniversaries!

Drop the martyr act from now on and TELL him what you want.

BauhausOfEliott · 26/10/2025 23:43

Cantgetnopeace · 26/10/2025 23:17

All of you that have said IABU would your husbands ask if you wanted them to visit if you were in hospital or would they just turn up? Would you not visit your husbands if they were in hospital? Or have you not been in the situation?

I was seriously ill in hospital for a fortnight recently and yes, my DP asked me if I wanted him to visit me.

Unlike you, I managed to simply articulate what I actually wanted when he asked me. On the days when I wanted him to visit I said ‘Yeah, come and see me and could you bring me some clean pyjamas’ and when I didn’t want him to visit I said ‘No, there’s no need.’ I think in total I asked him to come about four or five times over the 14 nights I was there (I’m one of those people who prefers to be left alone when I’m ill, and we were messaging a lot every day anyway). But obviously if I’d wanted him to come every day I’d have said so.

As opposed to what you did, which was to say ‘no’ to a visit and then got annoyed when he believed you.

Honestly, you’re being ridiculous. Your husband isn’t a mind-reader FFS.

WaryHiker · 26/10/2025 23:43

Cantgetnopeace · 26/10/2025 23:15

I would visit DH without asking him if he’d like me to visit. I would take it for granted that he would like me to. I wouldn’t ask.

Show quote history

And maybe he would prefer you didn't. Some people like peace and quiet when they are in hospital. And, as you said, you were only in for two days and only in for tests.

It seems that you are perfectly happy to make assumptions about what he wants and act on that without asking him. But when he doesn't make an assumption and actually asks you, you tell him the opposite of what you secretly want.

Original poster
Cantgetnopeace · 26/10/2025 23:45

There are no transport issues. We live 25 minutes drive away. There are no childcare issues. DC are grown up.

DC couldn’t visit, DSis was ill, DB was on holidays, Dfriend was away. Other friends didn’t know as I didn’t want one of them knowing as she suffers from anxiety. DH was the only one that could have visited.

I said it’s ok, you don’t need to call when he asked. I didn’t say “don’t bother” like a petulant child. I wasn’t annoyed at the time. It didn’t even enter my head. I’m annoyed after thinking about it for a few days.

OP posts:
mmsnet · 26/10/2025 23:46

ffs grow up

SwingTheMonkey · 26/10/2025 23:48

You have no right to feel annoyed. A simple, ‘yes I’d love to see you’ when he asked about visiting, would have prevented this.

You seem pretty convinced you’re not being unreasonable though.

rainbowunicorn · 26/10/2025 23:50

You sound quite hard work OP.