Is this the life of a stepparent?

[tokoyo]

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

Please pay attention to what almost everyone is telling you. I know it’s nearly the wedding, I know you love your SDC , you love your DP. But however difficult it is now, it will be far more after you are married. After you have more DC maybe. After you’ve been completely worn down by more of the same. Look at all the red flags, think again.

I’m sorry but this isn’t acceptable at all. It sounds like he’s looking for a babysitter. You sound like a lovey stepmum figure and DSS is lucky to have you. DP isn’t treating you well enough.

I hope neither of you did your parts in this exchange in front of the child. Children do not need to feel like they are a source of irritation.

@OneAmberFinchwell not every couple with kids can stay together; I’d have died if I stayed with ExH. It would be rubbish if I wasn’t able to find a nice dh that I now have due to an ExH turning abusive once we had Dc.

He is a sulky dad demonstrating crap behaviour to his four year old.
Hexwas hungry ..so he should make lunch f9r all of you
He is a sulky partner who you should not marry .
Who is funding this business?
Give some reasons why you do want to marry him?

It sounds like your problem isn't your lovely little stepson, it's your partner. He sounds selfish, rude and unpleasant. He shouldn't be shouting at you and he should thank you for taking care of his son while he does what he wants! Do you honestly want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you like this?

"it just never feels “enough”

And I suspect it never will be OP. He wants to shift the responsibility of his child over to you, and although you're doing your best you aren't being subservient enough. He wants you as a housekeeper with benefits. I would be very, very wary about marrying him. Being a stepparent is hard enough even with a fully engaged husband.

OP how do you feel having read all the comments? Literally nobody has said that you are in the wrong.

At the very least I would postpone your wedding.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own

So this man has waltzed into multiple children’s lives, acted like their Dad and then disappeared?! And he’s saying that like it’s a good thing?

OP, I know it seems massive but cancelling a wedding and losing the money is far far preferable to getting married and then divorcing. I’ve done it. It’s hard but you know in your gut if it’s the right thing to do.

I played a “fun aunty” role for my stepson when he was young, which meant I chose to do nice things and offer help on my own terms, as “icing on the cake”, not an expectation. DP and his ex are the parents and hold all the responsibilities. DP has always been very thankful and touched by my efforts.

All that to say, your DP’s opinions on your role aren’t universal. I think he has them because they benefit him (patriarchy and all that).

When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.*

How is that a good and engaged dad?
It is not
Get out have dc with someone who cares

So to be clear you are fully and unequivocally aware of how shit this is and how unreasonable he is.

However, you’ll still be walking down that aisle on Christmas Eve. Guaranteed

And there be a thread similar to this one…. end of Jan. Only this time, he’ll be your husband

Your fiance wants you to do the work and shut up about it. That's what it comes down to. He doesn't appreciate it, he feels entitled to you doing all the work. He treats you like a servant. Why do you put up with that? Did he move in with you?

Oh no, I missed that he's an entrepreneur with his friend. Does he at least have a viable business plan and some realistic projections and the capital to fund it? If not, you'll likely be supporting him and his child.

I don't get what you're getting out of this relationship to want to marry a guy with a mean streak who treats you like a servant.

You should run and not look back. Marrying this guy is not going to improve your life.

Another thought......he is setting up a business (although you seem sceptical of this) so is he bringing any money in?

Who is in the better financial position because my instinct is telling me that its you. I cant help thinking that within a few months of the marriage he will never be home because "the business", you will be paying everything, do all the housework etc AND doing majority care of a child who isnt yours. But, if you leave and divorce everything will be split 50/50 with him possibly getting more as he has to house himself and his child.

Even if you stay with him - DO NOT FOR THE LOVE OF GRAVY MARRY THIS MAN!

I was just about to say you should be more like a fun Aunty.

Of course it’s ok to watch him every now and then, buy him presents and cook him food etc but it shouldn’t be expected.

Mum and dad do the parenting, you are just there for the fun things and to make him feel welcome and comfortable at his other home.

Sorry OP, he sounds awful!

I would absolutely bet that his involvement in those children’s lives stopped when the relationships ended. So no, he didn’t treat them “as his own.”

I wonder if he was expecting you to make him lunch (big hardworking man) and was annoyed you hadn’t so used his “extreme” hunger as an excuse to punish you. He certainly made no effort to make himself feel better.

Where in God's name is your self esteem.

Your post drips with desperation to be good enough to skivvy for a nasty abusive pig who needs a skivvy aupair.

So sad.
Sounds like you will be one of those women that has to learn the hard way.🤷🏻‍♀️

Move in with the biological mother, sounds like that might make everyone happier!

He sees you as his childcare.

nanny with a fanny

Listen or don’t listen op.

it’s your life and one I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

no, it doesn’t matter what you do. Because he is a cunt who saw you and your naivety coming.

if you don’t get it, even after the hundreds of unanimous posts telling you, at least postpone thr wedding before you make a huge mistake.

I've not read the whole of this post. I've done this for many years though. It's a thankless task as you are finding out and further down the line they grow older, change and you have no rights to see them. Your partner seems to think it's ok for you to have him, but it's his responsibility.

My advice would be to live apart for your relationship and let him care for his child. Of course if someone said that to me at the time I would not have taken this advice. But I have the benefit of hindsight now so would recommend the above. Tread carefully and don't put anyone else's needs above your own.

Your partner is showing you, very clearly, who he is and what your life will be like if you marry him.

Do you want more of this?

why would you wash his school uniform op? Why would you think that’s your job? Reverse it. Would your ‘partner’ wash your dad’s trousers for example if you were his carer? Would he think that’s his job?