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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this the life of a stepparent?

406 replies

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:01

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

OP posts:
WatchingTheDetective · 26/10/2025 17:21

There is no way on this earth I'd marry this man.

He is treating you like dirt. As for his business being a success, that's a complete joke. The number of people who work for themselves because they are unemployable is really high, and the number of businesses that fail due to the character of the so-called entrepreneur is really high, too. Your boyfriend is definitely doomed to failure, so you'll be funding him.

He's awful to his son, isn't he? Would you really want a child with a man who treats his own child like this? I bet his son would've liked a trip out with his dad and his friend to look at premises - though having said that he definitely lucked out being left with you.

I'd dump this man so fast he got whiplash. I'd keep in touch with the little boy's mum and offer to babysit occasionally.

Let me guess - this man moved in with you and doesn't contribute much financially?

Your future marriage has disaster written all over it, OP. You need higher standards. You sound really lovely. His ex did the right thing in getting rid.

mummytrex · 26/10/2025 17:21

Luna6 · 26/10/2025 17:17

I would not marry this man.

Agree.

Rosiedayss · 26/10/2025 17:23

Your very low self esteem and self respect, the fact you have tolerated this awful behaviour, is likely why he targeted you.

He needs free childcare from a mug, and you are it.

user1476613140 · 26/10/2025 17:24

Keep away and find someone who doesn't already have children. I say this all the time on threads like this. Why complicate things for yourself?

Cucy · 26/10/2025 17:25

I asked what he’d like to eat

Why are you asking him what he’d like to eat?

If I came home hungry, I would make myself some food and ask if anyone she’s wants some.

Why is he acting like a child?!

Was it really important that he went into work today?

I assume he was a doctor or plumber and got called out but it just sounds as though he wanted to meet up with his mate and he could have taken his son or invited the mate to his.

WatchingTheDetective · 26/10/2025 17:27

There's more chance of me being a doctor than him, @Cucy!

Tweedled · 26/10/2025 17:27

This man is not a good Father and will most certainly not be a good husband OP.
He has gave you a great gift, the gift of foresight. I would take that gift and get the hell out of that relationship.

Cucy · 26/10/2025 17:27

I am a single parent.

I can’t imagine a scenario that I’d ask a partner to babysit my child but if there was I’d be incredibly grateful and likely pick some food and chocolates/beers up on the way home for him to show my appreciation. I would be over the top thanking him.

If I was feeling unwell and unnaturally cold, I’d ask if it was ok to have a quick hot shower and order takeaway if I was too unwell to cook.

He’s taking advantage of you.

aniseedisgross · 26/10/2025 17:27

The shouting etc isn’t on @tokoyobut if it helps, I’m going to tell you my experience with my DH who is step parent to two of my DC. At first, he was just like a fun family member/friend; we’d play games all together or have days out but I was responsible for all of DC’s care and physical wellbeing. Four years later and married, dh is another parent to them; would think nothing of looking after them solo if I wanted to do something or had plans, takes them to their clubs, makes their packed lunches, brushes their teeth etc. It has been like this for at least 2.5 years but probably 3. We do have our own dc now but it was like this before I was pregnant. If you’re marrying then imo you are agreeing, to an extent, of being a key person in DSS’ life and everything that entails. The expectation from both your DP and dss will only grow from here a d the reality is, you will do more and more for dss as time goes on. My advice is don’t get married to your dp if that worries you. If you and DP have children, you will most likely be expected to treat dss the same as your own dc. Wishing you well with whatever you decide.

PommesdePlume · 26/10/2025 17:28

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:29

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Ohhhh. Not good. I would not be marrying a man with that attitude. Don't walk into marriage knowing this.

Rosiedayss · 26/10/2025 17:28

I have never met a woman who took on step children that hasn't said they would choose differently given a second chance, even more so when they had their own.
They all realised it was very hard and the burden was theirs.
They felt they gave up too much.

Likewise those who blended families.
Simply too much and not worth it.

For every one that said maybe the MIGHT do it again, at least 10 said absolutely not.

I would hate it for my daughters and havd very firmly warned them to actively avoid men with any children.
Simply not worth it.

aniseedisgross · 26/10/2025 17:29

@user1476613140tbf I think more people have kids than don’t, so your options are really reduced if you don’t.

tara66 · 26/10/2025 17:33

Red flags!! (where are they when you want to post them?).Don't marry him obviously. Poor little boy.

MeridianB · 26/10/2025 17:33

DaisyChain505 · 26/10/2025 15:31

So many red flags here.

He didn’t ask you if it would be ok to look after DSS he told you.

He didn’t show any gratitude by taking over when he eventually made it home.

He then moaned like a 2 year old that he was hungry and and you asked him what he’d like to eat. He’s a grown man he can make his own damn food.

The behaviour he’s showing you is just a taste of what’s to come and once you’re married and he feels even more comfortable he’ll get worse.

I agree with all these points. I’m a step mum and my experience has never come close to this.

This should be the happiest time, when you’re communicating openly, have complete trust and feel totally happy and confident about the person you’re about to marry.

His behaviour towards you is disrespectful, selfish and domineering. He is showing you who he is and if I knew you in real life I would encourage you to rethink the marriage and relationship.

CherrieTomaties · 26/10/2025 17:33

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:29

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

For the love of God please DO NOT marry this selfish arsehole.

Get out of the relationship. He doesn’t love you.

I know you will be very attached to his child but please put yourself first.

If you marry this man he will only drag you down.

FOJN · 26/10/2025 17:40

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:29

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

This is blatant manipulation. He wants you to try harder to impress him with your parenting skills.

I suspect that despite the warning signs you will marry this awful man anyway and bring children into a relationship with a man who can't be bothered with the child he has. The outcome is both predictable and avoidable.

InterestedDad37 · 26/10/2025 17:43

‼️🚩🚩🚩
Don't get married! He wants you to look after his kid basically. That's it. While he goes out to play. Don't do it!

Left · 26/10/2025 17:44

Today feels like the tip of the iceberg.

It’s not a one off, is it?

Do you want to marry an angry shouty man?

OneAmberFinch · 26/10/2025 17:46

aniseedisgross · 26/10/2025 17:29

@user1476613140tbf I think more people have kids than don’t, so your options are really reduced if you don’t.

Perhaps there might be fewer separated parents if the exes knew they wouldn't be able to easily find a new "nanny" within a year or two, because women wouldn't date them?

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/10/2025 17:46

I'd be far more worried about marriage than being a step-parent with this one.

You're not even married and he's treating you with such disrespect and no love. Marriage won't make any of that better, just worse

Original poster
tokoyo · 26/10/2025 17:47

The thing is I don’t have an issue with occasionally looking after DSS. I include him in everything and try my best with him. But the truth is I’m not a parent - I don’t know what it feels like. I don’t have a natural parental instinct. I just try my best. I think “treat them as your own” only makes sense when you have kids yourself - I wouldn’t draw a distinction between him and “my” kids.

My issue is the complete lack of regard or respect from DP. A simple “thank you” or “can you mind DSS?”. I would never say no (unless I couldn’t), but it is completely expected. And if I don’t do it, he makes me feel like a monster or like someone who’s not trying with his child. But I AM trying - I do stuff with him and DSS all the time, my family include him for Christmas, I make decorations with him, I wash his school uniform, I drop him at school sometimes, I play with him every day he’s here…

it just never feels “enough”

OP posts:
ThatPeachScroller · 26/10/2025 17:48

I think the correct term is bang maid

Elsvieta · 26/10/2025 17:48

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:25

I said to Dp “you’re welcome” and he shouted “for what? For looking after DSS? Well I’m SORRY you had to look after him” and then slammed the door

I hope you responded that you didn't actually HAVE to do anything, as he's not your child.

I'd be having words with anyone who told me I "NEED to do X", when X is not actually my responsibility, instead of asking me nicely.

ThatPeachScroller · 26/10/2025 17:49

LTB. This will only get worse after you marry.

evertriedeverfailed · 26/10/2025 17:50

OP, I think the concern is that your partner has set himself up as the person who decides whether what you are doing is enough. But why does he get to decide?