Is this the life of a stepparent?

[tokoyo]

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

step back now @tokoyo

You are providing childcare and supporting him setting up a business, and that is already not enough for him. This is not an equal relationship.

What is he doing for you?

Get out now while you can

@tokoyo OP, why are you with this man?? No one is that good a shag. Just dump him. He sounds an unappreciative shit and a terrible dad. You deserve better.

How are you feeling op? There’s a lot here for you to take in. Lots of very experienced mums trying to help you see what’s in front of you of you. Think of it as a glimpse of Future You. How lucky to see that before you wed. Is this how you want your life to go? It’s not even about the child really; it’s more about how your partner is treating you and how that makes you feel. So the question might be do I want to marry a man who takes me for granted , snaps at me, snarls at me and who creates a tense atmosphere in the house?

Well, the red flags are flying, don't marry him. In fact, get out of the relationship before it's too late and you're pregnant.

This is a massive red flag he is totally taking you for granted even before you marry it will only get worse

Have you ever found out why he and his son’s mother broke up? Could be there’s a pattern here!

If this was Dh (and our children are ours, I’m not a stepparent), and it was a weekend when he unexpectedly had to go see a new business premises (he’s also self employed), he would have taken the dc with him. It’s just a drive and a walk around a building, which is easy enough to do with a 4 year old in tow.

I’ve been thinking the same

There was a fairly recent thread where the OP was in a similar position to you. She spent a lot of time with her step-son and would pick him up from school and make his dinner if she was on annual leave.

His birth mum decided that she needed more time to herself at weekends so the OP's DP agreed that they would have his son every weekend, without consulting OP. He then signed up to an all-day hobby every Saturday and expected her to look after her DSS every weekend on her own. He also tried to guilt trip her when she objected to him signing up for this hobby without checking with her first.

She asked on here if she was being unreasonable for not wanting to do this. Apart from a couple of posters, everyone agreed that he was massively taking her for granted.

Your DP is being very unfair.

Not sorry ENOUGH, or he wouldn’t have even thought that, let alone said it.
Id suggest he finds his child a Nanny.

Yes, but he's getting free childcare and a shag from the OP.

This kind of thing started to happen in my relationship.
I parented my child 100% myself, but my partner wanted me to do the hard graft with his kids but only when it suited him.
He loved it when I treated them and looked after them while he went out, but got annoyed when I disciplined them or said they hadn't been good.
He didn't really care, just wanted an easy life.

I decided we could remain dating but in separate houses and be would parent his kids 100%.

I now have no involvement in how he chooses to raise them at all. He's not doing it the way I would but that's on him. Their future is on him and their childcare is on him.

If you won't leave him completely then I'd suggest at least trying this and stepping back an putting the wedding off until you see how he reacts.

If he values you then this won't be an issue. If he doesn't then he'll kick off at your boundaries and at least you'll know what your future will look like

After your original post I was preparing to write that something had clearly happened to upset him and everyone has the odd off-day, but your updates make it clear that this wasn't an occasional blip and that he's not a very nice man. Why would you treat the little boy like he's yours? He's not yours and it sounds like you're going above and beyond already. You sound like a lovely stepmother, which is lucky because the poor thing doesn't have a great father.

I don't tend to go along with the Mumsnet LTB very often but I can't really see any other way around this situation.

The thing is even if you had your own DC, so you knew what parenting your own DC was like, that still would not make you the default parent of his DS! His DS already has two parents.
I honestly think, hard as this is, what you are seeing is the future and it won’t change. Your DP should have thanked you, he should have shown an interest in what his DS had been doing, and he should have had something nice planned after his business meeting - either just with DS so you got some time to yourself or for all of you, as you wished.
And this is against the background of everything you do never being enough - as others have said, it never will be enough, because it’s how he keeps you scrabbling for approval. You are wondering what you did wrong and how you fix it, but you have not done anything wrong.
It’s also not your responsibility to stay in this relationship because of DS.

No it's the life of someone living with a man who is rude, selfish and certainly not a good dad. He "said I’d need to look after DSS" - he is taking you for granted. As for being hungry and not knowing what he wanted - sounds like an overgrown toddler.
And what about when DSS is no longer a sweet little boy and maybe you can't do it all?
Sorry if this sounds harsh but do you really want to marry this man?

How sad, he can't even be bothered with his own child. There's no reason to suppose he would be any more caring to any children he has with you.

This is a snapshot of your future, you will be looking after this man baby, DSS and any of your own DCs.

I really hope this is not what you want.

Because he wants you to put up and shut up and doing everything for him with a smile on your face like some stepford wife.

any time you show anything other than being perfectly happy about being his maid and nanny he’s annoyed because he doesn’t care about your feelings he just wants you to do as he says without fuss.

Listen to this ... and don't party this man. You can do much, much better.

@tokoyo now you know why his ex is an ex.

You need a big discussion with him.

And know your own boundaries.

I’d be ripping him a new one right now I’ll or not. How fucking dare he talk to you like that or treat you like that. How fucking dare he go to work when he has his child.

Your DP sounds awful. Why on earth are you marrying him? Please just cancel your wedding and move on with your life. What (or who) you've described is depressing and selfish. Your DSS sounds a lovely little boy, but his father is nasty. You surely realise there's a problem and he's not a nice man?

He didn't go to work. He went with his friend to look at a possible site for their new business.

Nope. Not acceptable.

I’m a stepparent of two - boys, 6 &11. The only thing that ‘defaults’ to me when I’m around is cooking the meals but OH is a terrible cook and it’s just easier for everyone if I sort it- but if I’m busy he would (and does) 100% manage. Everything else - OH defaults to dealing with unless I have reason to / have them on my own for whatever reason. OH is very deliberate about making it clear I’m never expected to do anything for them, but they’re lovely kids with a lot going on at ‘home’ so sometimes is nice to divide and conquer and give them a bit one on one time each and I enjoy spending time with both of them.

But OH is their Dad. And a good one at that.

YABU for even considering marrying him. Selfish emotionally retarded bastard. It never gets any better - it gets worse. I’ve had two of them. Never again.