Is this the life of a stepparent?

[tokoyo]

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

I agree, he may well have just said whatever he thought would get you to shut up and do as you were told.
Hence he had no concrete examples when you questioned what his claims.

It wouldn’t be as bad if they’d at least be honest; I’m a bit of a useless dad, full disclosure, I’m looking for someone to help me out with my own child. Would you like the gig? I’ll repay you in other ways.

But no, they act like you should be honoured to know their offspring (the ones they cba with) and of course should put up and shut up.

Get out.

He sounds awful, treating you very disrespectfully. Looking after his DSS IS a big favour ...this is a time to really stop and think..could DSS hear and see this behaviour ? If yes it shows you the kind of man he is ...a bully

You just got a clear look at your future as bangmaidnanny. He expects you to parent in his place so he can fuck off and do whatever. And he has a little tantrum if you say anything because he wants you to shut up and nanny. He's training you to not speak up.

He doesn't appreciate you did his work for him.

How long have you been together?

Quite a few men do what he's doing, remarry to have a woman around as free nanny for their child so they can claim 50/50, not pay support, and the new wife ends up doing most of the childcare on his custodial time. They can't be bothered to be a full time parent.

He sounds horrible OP. Sadly this sounds like a LTB situation unless he can see how mean he’s being and change.

Get your shit together and either chuck him out if he’s moved in with you or sort out your own housing/even go and stay with family if needed but whatever you do DONT MARRY HIM or put up with this crap any longer!!

if he does change it will be temporary to get you back in your corner and he will wait until you feel you are trapped and then things will not just get worse but a LOT worse!!!

this man is abusive!!! Educate yourself on domestic abuse and get out now!

OP are you ok? This must be a lot to read

With non-blended families, sometimes the father will start to treat the mother as the default parent. This is a huge problem and needs to be addressed directly.

Both parent’s lives change when a child arrives. That means things like going to take a shower, doing a chore that interferes with child supervision, or running a child-free errand all require making sure the other parent is available to supervise the young child before starting the task. Mothers rarely just assume father’s will take over, but father’s will walk out of a room without a glance back.

you aren’t even married yet and he has turned you into the default parent. If he won’t change this immediately, I would call off the wedding.

Oh OP you've made such a mistake, but it's possible to come out of this.

DON'T marry him.

“I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it

How many women has he 'dated' then where he was introduced so quickly to her kids that he even got the chance to treat them as his own (apparently)??

Either that's a massive red flag or he's lying to you. There is no way at all for you to verify any of that, not really. Even cute photos won't tell you the whole story.

The life of a step parent is grim OP. Here you are, having to share your life and house with a child that isn't yours, looking after him when his father doesn't want to, forming an emotional bond with him where you'll have ZERO access or care rights to him when you separate, and all you'll be left with is a broken heart.

It's such a shit situation to be in.

A step parent should NEVER be the default parent. That’s the parents job.

Thinking about my DP didn’t thank me in so many words for childcare but he was clearly touched and grateful that I was glad to spend time with his dc, and always took it for granted that he would do the bulk of the care.

A step parent should NEVER be the default parent. That’s the parents job.

I wouldn’t marry him. You are worth more than this.

I’m a step mum but I’d never ever do it again and I wouldn’t have even considered a man with kids had I not already got some myself. Run. Run far away from this. He is using you.

And you are going to marry this prize chump in a couple of months?

He's wrong about treating your DSS as 'your own'. I don't treat my DSS as my own. My job (I feel) is to treat DSS with kindness, include him in our plans IF he so wants to go/join in etc. It's also important to me to step back at times and ensure DH and DSS get the opportunity to spend time together without me always being there. Most importantly, to understand that I am NOT a parent to DSS. DH and his ex are the parents and only them.

HUGE red flag. Shucking off the childcare, then getting angry when this is pointed out to him.

Stop doing the childcare solo - insist the child needs his daddy time. Then see what happens

No way on earth would I marry this man. This is the real him and thank god he's shown you before you've married. Get out and don't look back.

So he’s treating you like this BEFORE you are even married?!?!

He is showing you his true colours. Believe him. Actions speak louder than words.

Consider how this man makes you feel. Do you REALLY want a lifetime of this?

Run. Fast. Don’t look back. It’s a lucky escape.

He sees you as the nanny.

From your OP it sounds as if he is not working? Are you the breadwinner too?

Please tell me that you haven't moved him into your house?

I would not marry this man.

It is if you are a complete mug with low self-esteem and respect.

You are clearly the skivvy aupair.
He sounds like a nasty pig.

You would want to be out of your mind and truly desperate to be marrying him.

It will get A LOT worse if and when you have children.

He hasn't an ounce of respect for you and hence he feels extremely comfortable speaking to you and treating you like shit.

You have tolerated it and that is why you are where you are.

Get out while you can, or accept this is the shit life you knowingly signed up for.

Most women would prefer to be alone than to be with such a pig.

Op. I’m sure many others have said it but to add my voice. YOU DO NOT NEED TO MARRY THIS MAN.

Oh an I would put money on a man so confident to be so nasty before you are married, to be well capable of giving you a slap once he sees you pregnant and stuck.

He's a pig.