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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this the life of a stepparent?

406 replies

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:01

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

OP posts:
Orangemintcream · 26/10/2025 18:47

Do not marry this man.

You are his childcare with benefits not an equal partner in this relationship.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 26/10/2025 18:49

What would his reaction be if you had plans the next time DSS was due to visit?

sunniedee · 26/10/2025 18:50

RUN

fouroclockrock · 26/10/2025 18:51

I think you've just found out what your future looks like if you stay with him. I haven't read the full thread but... his child is only 4 and you say you are in a long term relationship with this man. So that means he got together with you pretty quickly after having this little boy. That doesn't say much in a positive way about him to me. I think I'd be cancelling your Christmas Eve wedding promptly.

ConverseAddict · 26/10/2025 18:52

Thing is, you have a vagina, so therefore you should be happy/grateful to look after this child.
Are you going to have children with him, it will only get worse.

PastaAllaNorma · 26/10/2025 18:54

Instead of a wedding, get yourself a new bloke for Christmas. This one's no good.

That he can expect you to care for his child, rather than ask if it's possible, and be late back, hand ignore his child's drawings, and shout at you... This one isn't a keeper. He's lazy, selfish, arrogant and bad tempered. You deserve more.

(As does ty 4 year old, but we can't choose our parents)

Katemax82 · 26/10/2025 18:54

If he's anything like my husband he won't ever thank you for doing it, he will expect you to "want" to look after his kid and act all offended if you suggest otherwise.
25 years later when you've got loads of kids together you can scream at him to have "his kids" so you can have a break and no one will bat an eyelid.
Ps you sound like you're a really great step mum.

WatchingTheDetective · 26/10/2025 18:57

Do you really think that you would have a happy life with this man?

CosyMintFish · 26/10/2025 18:59

Your partner is giving you a sneak preview of what married life will be like. You get to choose whether this is the future you want. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Leopardspota · 26/10/2025 18:59

My husband will often tell me ‘you’re the best’ when I step in when he’d normal be ‘on duty’ for instance if he misses a bedtime or when he’s away with work, I’d also say the same to him as I don’t take my nights out for granted. I think he should be grateful when you step in,
step-parent or not. It really doesn’t take much to say ‘you’re the best, DSS loves spending time with you’ or ‘thanks I really needed the time Today’ …

ButWhysTheRumGone · 26/10/2025 19:04

Don’t marry him. You’re the love in nanny with sex benefits. It will only get worse once you marry. Start making plans on weekends so he can’t just fuck off out and not parent.

Dillydollydingdong · 26/10/2025 19:04

So WHY was he moaning to you about being hungry? Is he not capable of fixing a sandwich for himself? Making an omelette? Chucking a tin of soup in the microwave?

Olive567 · 26/10/2025 19:04

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/10/2025 17:57

Another thought......he is setting up a business (although you seem sceptical of this) so is he bringing any money in?

Who is in the better financial position because my instinct is telling me that its you. I cant help thinking that within a few months of the marriage he will never be home because "the business", you will be paying everything, do all the housework etc AND doing majority care of a child who isnt yours. But, if you leave and divorce everything will be split 50/50 with him possibly getting more as he has to house himself and his child.

Even if you stay with him - DO NOT FOR THE LOVE OF GRAVY MARRY THIS MAN!

OP, please LISTEN to this - and then run. You will never be doing 'enough'. He will always be making you feel guilty and chip away more at your self esteem.

Cornishclio · 26/10/2025 19:05

There are red flags everywhere with your post. Once he is not sulking like a toddler you need to say to him that you are not his unpaid nanny and that ultimately DSS is his responsibility. I very much doubt he treated other womens children like his own except for the fact he probably did not actually do any childcare. Quite possibly why his first wife ditched him.

I think he was very rude and ungrateful and I would be thinking twice about marrying him.

WhySoManySocks · 26/10/2025 19:06

It’s important that you do not marry this man, but it is crucial that you DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN WITH HIM.

Eddielizzard · 26/10/2025 19:09

This would put me right off him. He sounds incredibly entitled and misogynistic, add in a sprinkling of childishness. Deeply unattractive.

HazelCritic · 26/10/2025 19:10

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 17:47

The thing is I don’t have an issue with occasionally looking after DSS. I include him in everything and try my best with him. But the truth is I’m not a parent - I don’t know what it feels like. I don’t have a natural parental instinct. I just try my best. I think “treat them as your own” only makes sense when you have kids yourself - I wouldn’t draw a distinction between him and “my” kids.

My issue is the complete lack of regard or respect from DP. A simple “thank you” or “can you mind DSS?”. I would never say no (unless I couldn’t), but it is completely expected. And if I don’t do it, he makes me feel like a monster or like someone who’s not trying with his child. But I AM trying - I do stuff with him and DSS all the time, my family include him for Christmas, I make decorations with him, I wash his school uniform, I drop him at school sometimes, I play with him every day he’s here…

it just never feels “enough”

Your problem isn't with your DSS. Your problem is your DP and his utter lack of respect for you. You sound like a wonderful person, but why is washing school uniform your job? Why is your DP not pulling his weight as a parent and a partner.
I understand you have a wedding planned but he's not going to change. Do you really want the rest of your life to be like this?

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/10/2025 19:12

Do not marry this man or have children with him. You have the advantage of seeing your future in technicolour.

BeeCucumber · 26/10/2025 19:14

I have noticed that on MN, so many useless men are described as a "good dad". I have never seen a woman on here described as a "good mum". It seems to me that women like the OP become the default parent because their partner is too busy being selfish.

The red flags are still flying OP. You will never be appreciated or thanked. You have filled the housekeeper/nanny/sexual convenience role and you are being taken advantage of. Leave.

Mix56 · 26/10/2025 19:14

Well he’s shown his colours… who’s house is this? Who’s paying the bills?
You need to tell him calmly, the marriage is off & explain exactly why

Anusername · 26/10/2025 19:15

Ok my opinion might be very unpopular here but here it goes. I think he might just be tired or even exhausted? He feels safe to just be himself when he’s down/ not feeling well, so he seems a bit self-centered. Well, I say this only in the circumstances that he doesn’t do this all the time and he really is very tired. You are marrying him so you should know better what kind of person he is!

daisychain01 · 26/10/2025 19:19

His mask has well and truly slipped.

think carefully, the rot will set in even more once he thinks he's got a ring on your finger.

Hills this way ➡ ➡ ➡ ➡ ➡

50lbstolose · 26/10/2025 19:20

Definitely get rid of him.

Stillgroupie · 26/10/2025 19:23

I hear a horde of posters screaming at their screens. Hope Op listens, but I don't think she will.

bumbaloo · 26/10/2025 19:25

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:29

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

It’s not just that you should do it and do it quietly though is it. It’s also that he gets to snap ay you and slam doors and show you no respect either

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