To be furious about this?

[Overlenders]

When I was 11 my parents forced a friendship with a 10 year old girl from my neighbourhood - 2 streets away.

This is how it happened - we went to the same church as this girl’s cousins and aunt/uncle who lived about a mile away - think neighbouring area of a provincial city.

one day I and my parents went up to the aunt / uncles / cousins house and I played outside - with cousins and this girl and her brother - we were all the same age - well within 2 years of each other.

my parents were indoors with the other 2 sets of parents. That meeting itself wasn’t bad but I thought that it was just a get together for all of us - I didn’t realise it was a specific thing to get my and the girl together.

about a month later the girl - Anna - turned up at my house asking me to go other cinema. I’ve always hated watching films as I have a short attention span unless it’s a comedy and I didn’t want to go. My grandparents were staying with us and said “that’s nice she’s asked” etc. so I only said yes to the cinema trip cos j was afraid of being criticised if I said no.

the cinema was shit tbh I find films boring. Did age 11 - do now unless it’s comedy.

anyway - a few weeks later 11 year old me was at home with my parents and said m

“I want to do x today” - I can’t for the life of me remember what x was. I can’t really hazard a guess even.

my mum said “no you’re seeing Anna Taylor today”

and thus they forced a friendship between me and this girl that lasted til the end of secondary school.

AIBU to feel angry about this? Growing independence imo is important at 11 and this was being stifled be forcing me with this girl

also though my secondary school years my mum used to guilt me into socialising with Anna saying Anna’s mum had been complaining I wasn’t making an effort with her etc.

AIBU to feel violated? Someone was let into my life that I didn’t even want or need.

Anna fyi was a doctor’s daughter who was very very snobby. Her Mum was sahm.

i was only child of 2 working parents but mum was alcoholic abusive - I’ve literally had to deal with my mums aggressive moods aged 10 - so after mopping up my mum’s shit I found Anna very ‘precious’

AIBU to feel angry that part of my childhood freedom was taken away ?

I feel a friendship was forced on me with no context for it

I’ve often wondered actually if my parents paid Anna to be friends with me.. but then they were very snobby well educated middle class types obsessed with status - I can’t see them accepting money for this somehow

What an odd thing to fixate on after all this time op

Yes all those themes you mentioned - intrusion etc are all spot on

To be frank, all your posts sound like you're deeply jealous of Anna.

Understandably, she had a lot of things you didn't have growing up. You probably sensed that and projected a lot of anger onto her that should have gone to your parents. Obviously, no teenage girl is a saint so she probably did or said things that you found upsetting. Most teenage girl issues tend to blow over once both sides become adults. However it's not normal to ruminate about friendship dramas several decades down the line.

I'm willing to bet that you've tried stalking Anna online. You've probably tried looking her up on Facebook or Googling her name just to find out what she ended up doing so you can hate on her even more.

I actually asked my dad why was this friendship with Anna forced. He gave me 2 different reasons on 2 separate occasions

he firstly said that “this” (our neighbourhood) wasn’t an area where there were many children so he and my mum thought it was better and safer for me to ‘go round as “2 rather than one”.

this doesn’t wash though as by 11 nearly 12 - which I was when the friendship was forced - kids let’s face it don’t tend to ‘roam the neighbourhood’ as much they stay in their rooms etc .. also I’ve managed alright until nearly 12 so surely I’ll manage fine going forward ?

Also he said that Anna was very likely given her social background to go to university and they wanted me to do the same so thought it was a good thing I hung round with Anna. I mean WTF?! tbh if I didn’t want to go to uni ‘naturally’ then forcing a friendship aged 11 IS NOT the way to get me to go!!!

Also my parents were both MUCH TOO OBSESSED with going to uni in general I thought

If you’re looking back over your life and this is your biggest complaint, thank you lucky stars.

you are being enormously unreasonable btw.

Also in relation to my last post - our neighbourhood did have quite a few kids actually- I mean it was very upper middle class with a lot of late middle age whose kids are either practically adults or flown the nest - but it did have a fair few primary age kids etc as well it’s was hardly a child less barren wasteland 🤣 so this tends to fly in the face of my dad’s explanation!!

Thank you sounds like you’ve got a sensible attitude with your kids

just out of interests - why do you think these issues surface more in middle age ?

@Overlenders What do you want from this thread? Do you want agreement? Acknowledgement? To feel heard?

If you want resolution and to never let this matter cross your mind again that's possible, but only if that's what you actually want.

They don’t. You are being really odd about it.

When I said that Anna was being really patronising the once because she had a neither and I didn’t and insinuated I was fed up with Anna my mother simply shouted

Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!! - as if she absolutely didn’t want to hear me criticise Anna at all

It's alright to feel miffed that a friendship was forced on you. But to feel furious and violated is OTT especially so many years later. Maybe "Anna Taylor" was forced to befriend you by her parents, they perhaps could see your mum was an alcoholic and aggressive and wanted Anna to look out for you, get you out of the house for a bit and that was their way of trying to help.

Maybe there was TWO reasons they wanted you to be friends?
’this doesn’t wash though’ - Christ alive. Your parents simply encouraged and fostered a friendship that you weren’t particularly invested in. End of drama.

It sounds like a very strong reaction to something which was annoying but hardly the end of the world- lots of parents try to foster friendships, especially if they are worried about their own children.

Has something happened in your life recently to remind you of this? Sometimes things will pull up memories from years ago. Or if we are feeling stressed or unhappy, our brain retrieves memories of times we felt like that before.

If it is a random thing that you are processing, fair enough. But if you think about it a lot or go over it a lot, you may need to talk to a professional about why that is happening. You mentioned attention - if you have ADHD or ADD you may also be prone to getting hung on on questions of fairness.. Most people dont like unfair behaviour, but people with ND find it particularly hard to cope with.

Sorry thread should read Anna had a brother not neither

I think it's been part of the change of life with being middle aged and peri menopause to be honest as traumas dealt with years ago can sneak up unexpectedly and what seems trivial to some people are far from it when in that moment as families and life can be complex. I used to hate the big family gatherings as a child as like you have experienced chaos and alcoholism with relatives.

Just after my parents pushed me and Anne together - I was 11 she was 10 - my dad made a point of saying he thought Anna was more mature than me .. I was offended . I mean at 10 I was literally cleaning up my alcoholic mum’s shit and then just had to get on with it !

That's the crux right there as being a child forced into toxic and doing adult caring roles and then forced into friendships would cause these feelings now which are absolutely valid. You were a child but lost a childhood which is why I got you straight away. Also I think people forget that early experiences can and does shape us as adults. We are all immature as children and with experiance we gain maturity. I can completely understand why you feel the way you do and please reach out to friends to support you. As an adult you will be grieving the child you were and also dynamics of families, people and society in general. It will get easier but work through all the emotions and dont let anyone tell you that your feelings are not valid.

This has to be a wind up/troll post now.

Ok being honest - I didn’t clean up her literal shit aged 10 - BUT - I had to deal with her extremely aggressive, drunken, unexpectedly angry behaviour at 10 ALONE - so some might say I was cleaning up her metaphorical shit!!

sorry - misleading - shouldn’t have said literal

@Overlenders get yourself some therapy. You’re rightly angry about your childhood but holding onto it is only doing yourself wrong.

Op, do you have children? Are your parents still alive? Do you have a support network at all? Friends? Family?

Yes I’ve got kids

parents not alive

yes I’ve got a good support network

It sounds like you had a hard situation from a very young age.
I wonder if your parents pushing you and this girl together, despite you not being suitable as friends, suggests they had an inkling they were failing you? But there actions totally missed your needs.
Lots of people have suggested therapy. The children of alcoholics need a chance to process why their primary care givers failed to give appropriate care. Often siblings process together. Do you have any family who saw the reality and how it impacted you? Can you talk to them? If not, finding appropriately qualified therapy could be really helpful.

Are you actually kidding me?
Your mum was an alcoholic and abusive to you, yet you find the orchestrated friendship they set up as having robbed you of your childhood ?
FFS. Get a grip